It began as I passed the half way point of the book. There were now more pages that I had read, than there were remaining, and I knew that the end was approaching. At this pivotal moment, a feeling began to grow within me. At first it was easy to ignore, but with each proceeding evening, as I lay in bed reading, it grew stronger. Eventually, as I faced the final few chapters, I had an overwhelming feeling that I did not want to actually finish the book. Why was that? Surely, I wished to know how everything worked out at the end? Didn't I want to have the ending revealed and to know how each of the vast array of characters, and each of the many different story threads, would resolve themselves? Yes I did, but at the same time, I did not. This contradiction may seem like an odd set of emotions to occur, but actually, despite the absurdity of it, it made perfect sense to me.
You see, reading that last sentence and closing the book would finally end something that had been part of my life for so many years. I had grown comfortable and familiar with having these books to read, with always waiting for the next installment to be published (time between each successive publication grew), with re-immersing myself into an alternative world that I had grown to know and love, with its myriad of characters that had personalities and behaviours that were so familiar to me, these people that seemed like old friends, and I never quite knew if the series would reach its conclusion, since Robert Jordan unfortunately died in 2007 before he had completed writing the final books. To turn the final page would mean an end to all of this for me. It would be a bitter sweet moment. One that would bring me great joy and satisfaction and at the same time, it would bring with it a sadness and loss. So, I began to think about endings and what they mean.
The end. It's over. Finished. No more. One moment you have it, you are immersed in it, your senses and emotions are connected to it, you're holding on to it, it's part of you, you are part of it. And then suddenly you're not. It's gone. Blank. Darkness. Emptiness. Sadness and loss. Wishing you could go back again, to relive some of those times when you held it, when it held you. But you cannot. It feels as though a part of you is gone and only a hole remains. You feel incomplete, no longer whole, as a piece of you is now missing. And you fear what comes next, because it is unknown, it is going to be different.
Often, an ending seems negative. That is because of the sense of loss that we feel and the feeling of emptiness that remains. The endings that are particularly difficult are those that are forced upon us and those that involve the end of something that we have grown accustomed to having in our life. Graduating from college, leaving home for the first time, leaving a long-term employment, the break up of a relationship, the death of a loved one. Each of these marks a significant life event. Each one represents an ending. Equally as important though, is that each one represents something else. A beginning.
An end is an important step along the path. Each of us must face and deal with many endings on our journey, if we are to continue to seek out the light and obtain our dreams. Without an ending, there can be no new beginnings. With no end, there can be no new opportunity to learn and to grow, to discover new emotions, new places, new people, new experiences, and there can be no opportunity to evolve our soul. Endings are a necessary part of the journey.
It is natural not to want an ending to something that you enjoy and love. With the end, comes the unknown and with the unknown, comes fear. Many people resist change simply because they are afraid of the unknown. They prefer to stay in situations that they understand and can deal with, even though those situations maybe harmful, hurtful, negative and detrimental to their life. Fear is a deeply paralysing emotion. Through fear of the unknown comes a resistance to end, and because there is no ending for this person, there can be nothing new, there can be no evolution of the soul.
I see the end as simply the beginning. It is the cycle of life in which we all exist. Many beginnings, many endings. Many endings, many beginnings. It is how it has always been and it is how it always will be. There is a saying that as one door closes, so another door opens. The meaning is clear, an end is necessary in order to create some space in your life for something new. Each time an end occurs, so too does a new beginning. Each ending brings you a new opportunity. It is actually a positive occurrence in life. Even if at the time you cannot view it as such because the pain, resentment and bitterness of your loss is hard to bear, eventually, with hindsight, it will be possible to view it as such.
We need endings in our lives. In life, everything eventually ends, so I guess we should get used to that notion. Don't fear the end, instead, look forward to a new beginning, to a new opportunity that can be taken, to evolving your soul through growth. Each new beginning leads you further along your path, brings you closer to the discovery of your dream. I finished reading my book and as I closed it, I thanked Robert Jordan for keeping me company over all of these years, and I knew that now, I had created a little space for something new to come into my life.
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This post is dedicated to the memory of Marge. It was Marge who lent me her copy of The Wheel Of Time all those years ago and started me on that particular journey. It was Marge who saw within me a caring heart and who was the first person to acknowledge that to me. Thank you for the beginning, and thank you for the end. I'll see you again one day my friend.
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