The Unobtainable Light, or Two Paths That Diverged

A person must continue to walk throughout their life or else, just like the stream that stagnates, all signs of life will slowly disappear and vanish.  Water, the giver of life, knows that it must constantly seek change if it is to remain alive, it knows that it must always flow, finding new pathways, and overcoming obstacles if it is to succeed, if it is to reach its journey's end. 

 

Following the path is a journey of discovery, it is a journey of growth, and a journey of evolution.  When I began in earnest, seperating myself from the known, the safe, and the secure, my life changed dramatically in ways that I could never have predicted.  Guided by my heart, it led me along a pathway that for many years, I had been too scared to tread, too afraid of the possibilities, feeling that I was not deserving of the happiness that awaited, afraid of the consequences that would come if I were to realise my innermost dreams.

There was one significant moment when I came upon two roads that diverged before me.  One was a secure looking, safe road, that was well trodden by those who had come before me, and it would make for comfortable, easy walking.  The other, now that one was dark and twisting, nothing was discernible around the first bend, it appeared uninviting, and where it led I could not tell.  Yet, as I stood before these roads, I knew already the way I would go.  Even though I stood a while and debated, argued, and reasoned with myself, the route I would take had been set long ago.  My head fought with my heart that day, and as I knew it would, my heart won.  I plunged into the darkness and lost myself in the vastness of the unknown.

The irony was of course, that becoming lost on this road was the very thing that helped me to discover myself.  Around that first corner, obscured from view, but so tantalisingly close (if you could ever know it), was the greatest, warmest, and brightest light that I have ever seen.  It was the light of love that awaits all who seek the true path for themselves.  It was the light of understanding of self, of the world, and the universe.  I tried to reach that light, I wanted to reach it and attain it, and so I walked faster and faster towards it, always seeking it. 

But I could not.  Like a dog that chases its own shadow, no matter how hard I tried, I could never reach my goal.  The light was always there, shining ever more brightly, burning with an intensity that was hard to look upon.  It took me some time to realise that there was one very good reason I could not reach that light, no matter how hard I tried or how fast I ran towards it.  The light had led me on a journey to new places, with new people and new experiences.  My life was changed, I was changed from the person who I once was.  Part of me remained, I could feel that, the old me lived within the new, one and the same, changed yet still the same.  And with me were fragments of all the people that I had encountered, all of the places where I had been, and all of the incredible wonders I had experienced, just as I was a fragment within those same people.  Everyone I encountered left a mark upon my soul, enriching me, as I too left my mark upon theirs, bonding us forever across space and time.

It was only much later that I was able to come to an understanding.  When I had stood and looked upon those two diverging roads, there was never a debate as to which one I would take.  I was always going to take the path that I took.  It wasn't just about where I was at that moment, it was also about when I was.  I was at the right place and I had arrived at the right moment, to be where and when I needed to be so that I could act and make the decision that needed to be made.  A decision that was preordained in the mists of time, in the making of the universe.  I arrived exactly when I was supposed to arrive, the result of countless trillions of possibilities and happenings.  

I was always going to become all that I have become.  It was my life purpose.  When I was born, it was written in my heart that this is who I would be, these were the things that I would do, and the thoughts that I would have.  From that moment on, everything I have ever done has steered me on my journey. Sometimes it has been done unconsciously, without my even realising it, but always I have steered myself on the journey of my own making.  I could never have changed it.  My heart is too strong, it speaks too loudly for me to ever deny its existence.

I believe that this is the same for everyone of us.  Every person has a message written inside their heart.  It is the DNA of who they truly are, the person that they are destined to be.  If you listen and take heed of that message, then you will find the path that is right for you at exactly the moment when you need it.  You too will discover the light that awaits.

And as for that light that I tried so hard to reach?  I still cannot touch it, no matter what it is that I do.  It still remains there, always out of my reach.  Why?  Because that light is me and I am the light of the universe that shines the way.  I am the light of love.  I am the light of life.  I am me, and that is all I ever needed to be.  The real me, the true me.

_________________________

Endings and New Beginnings

Last night, I finished reading A Memory Of Light, the final installment in the Wheel Of Time series by Robert Jordan.  I began reading this fourteen book series way back in 1993, and for the last twenty years, it has been part of my life, accompanying me on my journey, through the changes I made in my life, and as I took a chance and discovered my true path.  As I approached the final few chapters of the final climatic volume, I was filled with a mix of emotions. I was happy that finally, I was going to discover how the story would end, and at the same time, I had another deeper feeling, one that came as a surprise. 

It began as I passed the half way point of the book.  There were now more pages that I had read, than there were remaining, and I knew that the end was approaching.  At this pivotal moment, a feeling began to grow within me.  At first it was easy to ignore, but with each proceeding evening, as I lay in bed reading, it grew stronger.  Eventually, as I faced the final few chapters, I had an overwhelming feeling that I did not want to actually finish the book.  Why was that?  Surely, I wished to know how everything worked out at the end?  Didn't I want to have the ending revealed and to know how each of the vast array of characters, and each of the many different story threads, would resolve themselves?  Yes I did, but at the same time, I did not.  This contradiction may seem like an odd set of emotions to occur, but actually, despite the absurdity of it, it made perfect sense to me.

You see, reading that last sentence and closing the book would finally end something that had been part of my life for so many years.  I had grown comfortable and familiar with having these books to read, with always waiting for the next installment to be published (time between each successive publication grew), with re-immersing myself into an alternative world that I had grown to know and love, with its myriad of characters that had personalities and behaviours that were so familiar to me, these people that seemed like old friends, and I never quite knew if the series would reach its conclusion, since Robert Jordan unfortunately died in 2007 before he had completed writing the final books.  To turn the final page would mean an end to all of this for me.  It would be a bitter sweet moment.  One that would bring me great joy and satisfaction and at the same time, it would bring with it a sadness and loss.  So, I began to think about endings and what they mean.

The end.  It's over.  Finished.  No more.  One moment you have it, you are immersed in it, your senses and emotions are connected to it, you're holding on to it, it's part of you, you are part of it.  And then suddenly you're not.  It's gone.  Blank.  Darkness.  Emptiness.  Sadness and loss.  Wishing you could go back again, to relive some of those times when you held it, when it held you.  But you cannot.  It feels as though a part of you is gone and only a hole remains.  You feel incomplete, no longer whole, as a piece of you is now missing.  And you fear what comes next, because it is unknown, it is going to be different.

Often, an ending seems negative.  That is because of the sense of loss that we feel and the feeling of emptiness that remains.  The endings that are particularly difficult are those that are forced upon us and those that involve the end of something that we have grown accustomed to having in our life.  Graduating from college, leaving home for the first time, leaving a long-term employment, the break up of a relationship, the death of a loved one.  Each of these marks a significant life event.  Each one represents an ending.  Equally as important though, is that each one represents something else.  A beginning.

An end is an important step along the path.  Each of us must face and deal with many endings on our journey, if we are to continue to seek out the light and obtain our dreams.  Without an ending, there can be no new beginnings.  With no end, there can be no new opportunity to learn and to grow, to discover new emotions, new places, new people, new experiences, and there can be no opportunity to evolve our soul.  Endings are a necessary part of the journey.

It is natural not to want an ending to something that you enjoy and love.  With the end, comes the unknown and with the unknown, comes fear.  Many people resist change simply because they are afraid of the unknown.  They prefer to stay in situations that they understand and can deal with, even though those situations maybe harmful, hurtful, negative and detrimental to their life.  Fear is a deeply paralysing emotion.   Through fear of the unknown comes a resistance to end, and because there is no ending for this person, there can be nothing new, there can be no evolution of the soul.

I see the end as simply the beginning.  It is the cycle of life in which we all exist.  Many beginnings, many endings.  Many endings, many beginnings.  It is how it has always been and it is how it always will be.  There is a saying that as one door closes, so another door opens.  The meaning is clear, an end is necessary in order to create some space in your life for something new.  Each time an end occurs, so too does a new beginning.  Each ending brings you a new opportunity.  It is actually a positive occurrence in life.  Even if at the time you cannot view it as such because the pain, resentment and bitterness of your loss is hard to bear, eventually, with hindsight, it will be possible to view it as such.

We need endings in our lives.  In life, everything eventually ends, so I guess we should get used to that notion.  Don't fear the end, instead, look forward to a new beginning, to a new opportunity that can be taken, to evolving your soul through growth.  Each new beginning leads you further along your path, brings you closer to the discovery of your dream.  I finished reading my book and as I closed it, I thanked Robert Jordan for keeping me company over all of these years, and I knew that now, I had created a little space for something new to come into my life.       

_________________________

This post is dedicated to the memory of Marge.  It was Marge who lent me her copy of The Wheel Of Time all those years ago and started me on that particular journey.  It was Marge who saw within me a caring heart and who was the first person to acknowledge that to me.  Thank you for the beginning, and thank you for the end.  I'll see you again one day my friend.

Claudia And Elby

Claudia the caterpillar was feeling rather sad.  Earlier that day, she had been excited and happy and bursting to tell her friend Elby, who was a ladybird, her wonderful news.  For the past few weeks, a feeling had been growing inside of Claudia.  At first, it was barely perceptible, but it had been there, at the end of each day, whenever the quietness fell over the woodland.  She did not know what it was, or where it came from, but she felt it nonetheless.  It seemed to Claudia that the moment she became conscious of this feeling, it began to grow.  Or was it just because she thought about it more and more that slowly, and with the passing of each day, it grew a little larger?  For thoughts cannot grow on their own.  It is our own minds that water the seed that has been sown, and allow them to take root and grow their shoots. Soon, the thought had begun to come to her more and more often, until almost her every waking moment was filled with it.  It felt like a fire had burst into life inside of her soul, a fire that raged and wanted to be set free.  She realised that the feelings that she had were coming from a place deep within her, they were coming from her heart, as if her heart was willing her to be something more than she was.  Claudia could not hold these feelings to herself any longer and had decided it was time to tell her best friend all about it.  But everything had gone wrong the moment that she opened her mouth, and had begun to tell Elby, that she was ready for a change in her life.

"You know Elby, I feel that there is more to my life than just munching on leaves all day", she had begun.  "I feel that it might be time to try something different.  Something new."

"Whatever do you mean Claudia?  What is wrong with what we do now?"  Elby looked appalled at the thought.

"I don't mean there's anything wrong with it Elby.  It's just... it's just that perhaps there's something more to life.  I don't know.  I feel like I would like a change."

"But I like you the way you are!  I don't want you to change Claudia.  And I like things the way they are too.  We don't need to change.  We have everything that we need right here, just as we are."

"Oh... I see." Claudia had been hoping that her friend would share in her excitement and might get involved in helping her make plans.  "But I really feel it in my heart that I could do so much more, that I could be so much more."

"That's dangerous talk Claudia.  You've got to be careful about that kind of thing.  Change brings chaos and upset.  It's much better to stay safe and secure just as you  are.  And besides, if you change, then we might now have so many things in common any longer."

"But you would still be my friend if I changed wouldn't you Elby?"  Claudia was now concerned that this feeling inside of her might cost her the best friend that she had in the entire world.

"I guess I would", replied Elby, "But I suppose that really would all depend on how much you changed."

Claudia let the conversation drop there and had quickly changed the subject.  For the rest of the day, she had felt sad and now she no longer knew what she should do.  That night, Claudia thought more about the conversation with Elby.  Maybe she was just being silly and Elby was right about everything.  Things were certainly good as they were and it was not as if Claudia was unhappy with her life.  Yes, it was probably better to forget the whole thing, she thought.  And that is exactly what she did for the next five days. 
 
During those five days, Claudia went about her normal daily activities, she chatted with Elby and her other friends, and not once did she mention the feeling that was inside of her.  Elby didn't ask her about it either, because Elby did not want to risk reminding of Claudia of it.  However, as with all yearnings of the heart, it is impossible to silence them, since after you have heard their call, the memory of them will live with you, until either you venture forth and follow them, or you accept them and continue to live a life of regret and wonder about what may have been.  Claudia still felt the urgings of her heart.  In fact, she felt them stronger than ever and now she was feeling conflicted.  If I change, I will lose my friends, she thought.  This made her anxious and worried because she did not wish to upset her friends and she certainly did not wish to lose them.  "I don't want to change!  I don't want to lose my friends!" she yelled out to the woodland.  Then an idea struck her.  Perhaps if she went away and hid herself for a few days, these feelings would pass.  Yes, to be alone for a while and to work out these feelings was the best thing she could do.  And when she came back, she would still be the same old Claudia and she would still have all of her friends.

So Claudia crawled away to the edge of the woodland so that she could be alone and work through her thoughts.  Once she was there, she realised that she needed a place to hide, so that she would not be disturbed or seen by anyone.  Unfortunately, all of the suitable places that she found were already occupied.  She was just about to give up on finding a place where she could find the solace that she sought, when she a sudden thought came to her.  I can spin my own home!  Soon, Claudia was smug and warm inside of her own cocoon, where she settled down to think about her life and to try to forget all about the notion of change.

Once she was inside of her cocoon, Claudia lost all track of the time.  She was unable to see the sun nor the moon, so she had no idea how many days she had been hiding herself.  She slept for much of the time and when she was awake, she thought about her friends and especially about Elby, and wondered how they were, and whether they would be missing her?  Many times she felt the urge to leave her cocoon, but each time the thought crossed her mind, she quickly dismissed it because she felt that she was not yet ready.  The urge to be different was strong inside of her still, and she told herself over and over that she did not wish to change.  My friends are important to me, I do not wish to lose them, she repeated to herself.

And then, on the first morning of her fourth week, Claudia woke with a sudden start.  The feelings that she had been having were no longer inside of her.   Her heart seemed to be empty and quiet.  She had silenced them!  "Yes!" she shouted, "I've done it.  I stopped myself from changing.  I extinguished the urge.  I can see my old friends again!"  Excited and anxious to see her friends, she broke down a wall of her cocoon and squeezed herself out.  Hurriedly, she ran to see her most dearest friend, Elby, who she found sitting on her favourite toadstool.

"Hello Elby!" she called out as she approached.  "It's me, Claudia!"

Elby looked around but did not seem to see Claudia.   "Claudia?  Where are you?  I don't see you."

"It's me Elby.   I'm right here."  Claudia was now standing right in front of Elby.

"You're not Claudia.  What kind of trick is this?"

"Of course I'm Claudia!  Oh Elby, I've only been gone a few days, surely you haven't forgotten your best friend already?"

"I haven't seen Claudia for about three weeks.  After a few days, I feared that perhaps a bird had taken her.  But anyway, you cannot be Claudia because Claudia was my caterpillar friend."

"Oh Elby, it is me.  And of course I'm a caterpillar.  Have you been at the mushrooms again Elby?  You know how they affect you so."

"Well, I can safely say that you are no caterpillar.  You're a butterfly if ever I saw one."

"What?  What did you say?" Claudia was in shock.

"I said that you're a butterfly."

It was only then that Claudia felt the flex of the delicate wings on her back, the daintiness of her legs and the spring of her step.  "Oh my gosh!  I did change."  

"I don't know you any longer Claudia.  I told you that I didn't want you to change, and look at what you went and did!"  

Claudia could sense that Elby was annoyed with her, when she had hoped that she would be pleased to see how her friend had changed and grown.  "Are we no longer friends Elby?"

"I cannot be friends with someone I no longer know."  And with that, Elby unfolded her little wings and flew off, leaving a sad and stunned Claudia all alone.  Claudia sat and wept.

Some time later, she was still weeping when she heard a voice.  "Ahem.  Ahem!  So, sorry to trouble you, but you seem rather upset about something.  Are you alright?"

Claudia looked up to see a magificent and handsome looking butterfly standing before her, flexing it's wings slowly up and down. 

"I'm sad because today I lost my best friend."

"How could you lose your friend?  What did you do?"

"I changed from a caterpillar into a butterfly and my friend didn't want me to become different.  She became angry with me for changing."  Claudia began to sob again.

"Now let me tell you something.  What kind of person would not want to see their friend become better and to improve themselves?  What kind of person would want to stifle a friend's growth?  I would hardly call that kind of person a friend.  In fact, I would be so bold as to say that they were no friend at all, and furthermore, I'd say that very probably, they were jealous of you."

"Why would Elby be jealous of me?"

"Because you became something that she could not.  You grew.  You discovered your true self.  You followed the calling of your heart.  And because you became different.   A true friend would support you through all of that.  A true friend would be at your side for every step of the way.  By the way, my name is Monty." 

Claudia sniffed.  "I'm Claudia."

"Well Claudia, why don't you come with me and we'll find you some new friends.  I know a lot of other butterflies and insects that are going to be very pleased to meet you.  Will you come with me Claudia?"

"Yes, I will."

With that, both butterflies took to the air and flew once, twice, three times around the head of a bright yellow flower and fluttered off on the breeze.  And from that day on, there was never a more happy, contented and beautiful butterfly in all this world than Claudia.

_________________________