The Unforeseen Rewards Of The Path

Georgia was not normal.  That much was very evident.  Her manner of speech, her demeanour, her physical shape, the way her face looked, everything shouted at me that something was wrong, but whatever it was, I just could not put my finger on it.  Here we were, on the boat, heading out to a dive site, so that Georgia could make her very first dive in the ocean.  To say that I was concerned would be an understatement.  I feared that something was going to go wrong, that she would cause me no end of problems, that would have the potential to place her own life, and mine, in danger.  If I was honest with myself, I'd rather not have been there, I'd rather she had decided she didn't want to dive, I even considered faking an ailment so another instructor would have to take her.  But she did and I didn't, and so there we both were, each of us nervous in our own way.

The previous day, Mike, her father, had come and asked me if his seventeen year old daughter could try scuba in the hotel swimming pool.  Every guest is offered the chance to try scuba try for free, and so I said of course she could.  That was before I knew who Georgia was.  When I was introduced to her, I could see straightaway that it was going to be problematic.  Her size and shape were awkward to say the least, she was not tall, around five feet, and she was very overweight.  At the front of the buoyancy vests we use for scuba diving, is a large Velcro cummerbund and even on the largest vest that we had, it would barely fit around her.  But it was not her physical appearance that caused me most concern though, it was the way and the manner in which she spoke.  She was quiet and apologetic in the extreme, as if everything were her fault, or she was the cause of all of the problems.  Even when the Velcro of the cummerbund attached itself to her swimming costume, she apologised as if somehow, she had caused the problem.  My immediate reaction was that she was suffering from some kind of mental illness, that she was perhaps retarded in some way.  As I worked with her, talking her through how the scuba unit worked and what I needed her to do, I could see that she was intelligent and I also began to see something else.  I started to see that Georgia was possessed of an extremely endearing quality, she had an incredibly soft and sensitive nature.

With my help, Georgia managed to breathe her first breaths under the pool water and afterwards, as I removed her equipment, Mike asked if they would be able to go diving with me the next day, on an experience resort dive (PADI Discover Scuba Diving).  My instinct was to say no, it could not be done, but I had no actual reason for denying them the opportunity, so I asked Mike quietly whether Georgia was mentally sound and I asked him to complete the necessary medical questionnaires before proceeding any further, as I was sure there would be some issues which would prevent them from going.  There were none.

The next morning, I met up with them both again and took them through some basic instruction at the pool, to ensure their comfort, safety and enjoyment in the ocean.  Georgia experienced some issues with a couple of the skills and every time she did, she would stand up and apologise profusely to me. I don't know what it was, but I started to like her very much, I saw through the exterior to her soul inside.  We worked everything through, until I was satisfied with both of their performances.  After we were finished in the pool, Mike explained that Georgia was extremely sensitive and that sudden, loud noises could potentially set off a panicked reaction.  At the time, I thought it was just her general mental state of mind and it added to my nervousness for the afternoon.  I really was not looking forward to the diving.  Under the water, if someone suffers a panic, it can be dangerous and potentially life threatening.  I thought it through and again, I could find no actual reason not to dive, I just needed to take a lot of precautions and a lot of time with them. 

Mike introduced me to his wife and Georgia's stepmother, Samantha.  She thanked me for taking the time to take Mike and Georgia out diving, and then she said, "You are just the right person for Georgia.  You're extremely patient, kind, caring and very sensitive towards her needs.  I'm pleased it's you that is taking them out.  Please bring them back safely to me."  I was extremely humbled by these kind words and they sank into my heart and there, they made a warm glow.

And then, there we were, on the boat, approaching our first dive site.  Full of trepidation and concern, I found myself in the water with Georgia and Mike, ready to begin our descent.  I expected the worst, that Georgia would panic, that there would be some issue.  She gave me none.  Instead, the problem came from Mike, who panicked and forgot the training I had given him during the morning.  Thankfully, I had ensured that the first dive was very shallow, so that if anything were to go wrong, I could minimise any risk of danger.  Back at the surface, I asked Mike if he wanted to return to the boat and sit out the first dive, to take a breather and get himself together, and he agreed.  I descended again with Georgia.

Georgia was no problem at all.  Instead, she gave me perhaps one of my most memorable times under the water with a new diver.  It didn't matter what Georgia saw, whether it was a fish, a sea star, a sponge, or a clam, each time she squealed in delight and pleasure.  When I found her a small stingray that had buried itself under the sand, she pointed excitedly at it and squealed.  As the ray lifted from the sand and glided away from us, I heard her gasp in awe.  Here was someone utterly taken over by her experience, lost in her own delight and wonder, here was someone who reminded me of my own first time on scuba.

Mike decided that he wanted to overcome his panic and fear and to make the second dive.  The three of us descended together and I decided I would take complete control of them both.  I spent my entire dive, holding Georgia's tank in my left hand and Mike's in my right, with me, in the between and just slightly above them.  I was not able to point out any interesting aquatic life forms form them, but that didn't really matter.  They were both happy to be down there and to be together.  As I swam with them, I watched as they held hands and shared this experience, father and daughter.  Then, I saw one of the most beautiful sights, as Georgia formed her hands into the shape of a heart for her father, and Mike did the same back to his daughter.

Back on the boat after the dive, something happened.  Georgia began to cry and Mike put his arm around her and cuddled her.  "Is she okay?", I enquired, feeling very concerned that something had gone wrong, that she had perhaps hurt her ears by not equalising the pressure correctly, or she had been stung by some form of aquatic life.  I was not prepared for Mike's reply.  "Today is the eighth anniversary of her mother's death."  He said it calmly, and it took me a second or two to comprehend what he had said.  Not only was that Georgia's mother, it had also been Mike's wife.  I sat there completely stunned.

Suddenly, things began to make sense.  Georgia's sensitive nature, her constant apologies, her quietness, her anxiety of sudden loud noises, and those words that Samantha had spoken.  All of it came together and as it did, so too did the realisation of what it all meant.  I could of course, not ask a question to Mike about it, I can only guess and surmise, and I'll never be completely sure, but in my heart, I'm feel that I have the right answer.  Georgia was nine years old when she lost her mother in some form of accident.  My guess is that Georgia was there too and in some way, she holds herself responsible for it.

I am not going to end this post on a sad note because there is something very good in all of this.  What I realised yesterday, was that because of my care, sensitivity, empathy and patience, I introduced a young girl to a new experience, an experience that thrilled her and gave her such an incredible memory.  Her father and step mother told me that she will talk about the experience for years to come, and I do not doubt that for one moment.  For a father and a daughter, I helped them share an experience that will bond them together.  But more than any of this, yesterday, because of my patience, my kindness and my empathy, I helped two people to begin to replace a terrible, tragic memory, with something good.  I helped them to have a special, positive remembrance of that fateful day, that took away the life of the woman that they both loved.  Perhaps it is not much, but perhaps it is the first ray of light, on a very dark day.

These are the rewards of the path.  Because I dared to take a chance and to alter my life, I was there when I was needed.  I made the difference.  The universe rewards those that dare to follow the voice of their heart, and it does it in ways that you could never possibly begin to imagine, that you can never begin to comprehend.  Those rewards await you too, they are always there, waiting for you on your one true path.

_________________________

Beginning Is Everything

It is February 1999 and I'm sitting beside a campfire with a colleague from the local office, we're in a game reserve, a couple of hours drive outside of Johannesburg, South Africa.  It's my first visit to South Africa, I've been here only a few days, and I barely know Sergio, yet here I am, knowing that there is something important, something significant about this weekend.  Perhaps that is only the excitement I feel of embarking upon this little adventure, the kind of adventure of which I had only ever dared to dream.  Perhaps it is the calming affect of the flames and the twinkling lights of the sky above me, but as our conversation turns to matters of life, despite our knowing each other only for a very short time, I feel completely at ease.  A moment arrives and Sergio asks me what it is that I really would like to do with my life, what are my dreams?

As I sit there, staring into the flames, my mind becomes blank.  There is nothing, only a vast emptiness, static through the radio.  I shuffle uncomfortably in my seat, knowing that I should be able to say something, to be able to elucidate a response, but I cannot.  "I don't know", I mutter it, feeling a sense of embarrassment that I cannot articulate any deep seated passions in life, that I don't have any clear vision of my future.  Sergio surprised me then.  Most other people would probably drop the topic, let it go and move on to a subject in which we could both actively engage, but he did not.  Instead, he said something that I was not expecting.  "Yes, you do", he said.

Three simple, one syllable words, that were to change my life forever.  Sergio continued to explain to me that I did know what it was that I wanted, only I had locked it away deeply inside.  "Everyone has something that they wish to do, something that they wish to be", he told me, "Everyone has a true purpose".  Try as I might, that evening, I was unable to find it inside of me.  I knew there were elements of things I enjoyed but these were incoherent, they were pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that I saw no way of slotting together.  I had always loved the outdoors and nature.  Each winter I longed for the onset of spring, knowing that this was to usher in the months of summer, and summer meant I could spend time at the beach and in the sea.  I loved to feast my eyes on mountains, rivers, valleys, hills, trees, flowers, grass, wild animals and birds, all of nature, but these alone were not anything that I could do, they were not a plan for the future, they did not constitute a life that I could lead.  Although I had told Sergio that I did not know, I did know somewhere deep inside, that it had something to do with all of these elements, but I feared that to say as much, meant that I would look a little foolish in front of a colleague, and so I remained silent and kept this to myself.

From this time on, I began to give thought to what it was that I really wanted to do in my life.  These thoughts would come and go, and it would take several more years, many different people, many different places, and a single book, before I was to make my own discovery.  But the seed had been truly planted and from this moment on, I had begun to awaken to the possibilities, I was becoming open to life.  I knew back then that there was a desire inside of me to do something different with my life, something that had greater meaning for me.  How then, was I ever going to unlock it and give it the wings that it needed to fly free, if I could not articulate it for myself?  And if I could not articulate it, how was I ever going to be able to bring it to fruition?

I think this is true for many of us.  We have a very clear idea of what it is that we do not want to do in life and we find it easy to say what those things are.  However, when it comes to saying what it is that we do want, we find it incredibly difficult to describe what that is.  I have asked others the same question that Sergio asked me that evening, and I have received similar responses.  People tell me that they do not know what it is that they want, that they know they want to make a change in their life, but they cannot say for sure what that change involves, only that they feel the need to make it.  I hear their words and they echo back through time to my own past.  Having experienced and learned all that I have during my own journey, I know that somewhere deep inside, every single one of us has our own particular answer.  That answer is the truth for your life, it is your one true path.  Discovering it, will allow you to unlock the light that lives inside of you.  So, why is it easier to say what we do not want, but not so easy to describe to someone that which we do want?

I believe that it is primarily out of a sense of fear.  Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of losing your comfort and security, fear of what people will say, fear of what comes after, fear of failure.  There is one other fear: the fear that if you are able to visualise clearly what it is that you want to do, then you no longer have an excuse for not doing it, and if that were to happen, you would live with a constant sense of regret.  All of the time that I could not articulate my own vision and dream, I could not make a start, since there was nothing that I could grasp and work on.  It was like trying to hold on to mist.  In not being able to say what my dream was, I gave myself the ultimate excuse for not beginning, for not doing it.  I know that I used to look at other people, all of whom seemed to have such a clear vision for their lives, and I would feel a sense of inadequacy.  I know that there was a part of me that felt that I was not worthy of achieving my dreams, that I was undeserving of finding my truth, and because of this, I did not believe that I was worthy of making a start.

How did I overcome all these fears?  I simply began.  I think I always knew that I would begin, I waited only for the right moment and the right set of circumstances.  In truth, I didn't just wait, I actively looked for them, I wanted them to come to me, I wanted an excuse to quit my old life and begin the new.  And they did come to me.  When they did, I seized upon them and I made it happen.  I took my first step towards changing my life from the one that I had, to the one that I wanted.  I took that step without really knowing what awaited me down the path.  I took that first step full of fear and trepidation for what lay ahead.  I walked into the unknown and the moment that I did, it was no longer the unknown, it was no longer the fearsome darkness, instead, it became my life.

Even though I began my journey, I still had no true idea of what it was that I was going to do, where it was going to lead me.  I think that was the point though.  My own dream started out as a need for travel, travel that was unhindered by time or any other commitments.  What I did was to give myself the opportunity to make discoveries about life and about myself.  Along the way, I found what it was that I had been seeking, I found the thing that I had never been able to articulate to anyone before.  I discovered the world under the ocean, and from that moment on, my life changed and I began to become the real me, the person I had always born to be.  If I had not begun, I could never have made this discovery.  I would never know it and everything that has happened since would not exist.  Isn't that an interesting thought?

So, you may be sitting there, saying to yourself that I was lucky, that I had good fortune and yes, this is true.  But that would never have come my way if I had not begun, if I had not taken a chance on life.  You may be sitting there telling yourself that you still do not know what it is that you want, that you cannot visualise your own dream.  To you I say this: Open your heart.  That is where the answer lies.  No matter how ridiculous your idea may seem to you, nor how impractical, foolish or silly, if it comes from your heart, then it is your own truth.  It is what you must do.  If you feel afraid to start, consider how you are going to feel knowing that out there is your dream just waiting for you to find it.  I will leave this post with just one word of advice for you: begin.  You see, beginning really is everything.

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The Lull After The Storm

After a storm comes a time of tranquility.  The dark clouds roll away, the flashes of lightning and the rumbles of thunder seek out new horizons, new eyes and ears to torment.  The rain ceases, the sky clears, the winds calm, and a stillness settles over all of life.  Peace comes again to the land.  And it is no different with the heart.  At times, when we walk the one true path, we must battle through a raging storm, so that we may find the peace that exists on the other side.  But for how long does that peace last?  Does the voice of our heart ever cease its constant urging? 

When we seek out our dreams, we must do battle with many elements, with many foes.  During the battle, the heart must know when to defend and parry the blows of our enemies, and it must know when the time is right to strike, to swing the sword that will ultimately defeat them, and lay them by the wayside.  The heart suffers during the struggle for our dreams, but ultimately, if you persevere, you will succeed - always.  After the final battle, when the dream has been realised, so to do you enter into a time of tranquility and peace.  You have achieved all that you set out to achieve, you have your heart's desire, you have arrived at the end of your path.  You can sit down and relax, you can look back upon the trials and the tribulations, the times of sufferings, the moments when you thought you had failed, the times of victories that kept you pushing on, you see and feel the scars of battle that you know you will carry for the rest of your days, and you feel a deep satisfaction at having arrived at the place that you intended, of having achieved your dream.  You will live out the rest of your days with all of this knowledge and you will be content and happy.

This is how I thought it was going to be.  After I achieved my dreams, I would find peace and contentment within my heart.  It is true, that I did for a short while, for a time I was happy and I did bask in the glow of my success - actually, I still do - but there is always a feeling that will not, that cannot ever go away.  It sits in my heart, sometimes quietened by the joys of knowing all that I have achieved, by the flying of my soul as it soars on the wings of our successes, but the voice is never truly gone.  Even in the times of great elation, I can hear its whisper of gentle urging.  It tells me that we are not yet finished, that there is still more to be done.  This voice speaks to me of other dreams yet to be fulfilled, of other quests that are yet to be begun, it shows to me that the path is not ended, and I hear the truth of its words, nay, I know the truth of its words.  These words fall heavily, raining down like a hammer on the anvil, each one ringing out with chimes and the weight of truth.

There was a time when I would never have described myself as ambitious or driven.  I was content to follow, happy to be a nameless part of the herd, lost within the safety of the many, never seeking to stand out and to be different.  But I could not remain that way.  Always, there was a feeling inside of me that I could, that I should, do more, that more importantly, I should be me.  I struggled for many years to find my voice, to be able to stand with confidence and to show the world who I was.  Eventually, I did, it was inevitable, I only needed to find the right place and to channel my energy.  From that day forth, I realised that many things were achievable in life, that I could rise above the afflictions, that I could distance myself away from all that I had been and known before, that I could be my true self.  With this realisation came ambition and a drive to achieve.  All of the problems and the sufferings I had known for those many years and overcome, fuelled me.  I knew that if I could overcome all of those things, then I could overcome anything, and so I began my journey, my quest to see just how far I could take things.  I became driven to succeed in whatever I set my heart upon.

With this drive, came the realisation of my dreams.  I did not look on it as such at the time, but that is exactly what it was.  My drive brought to me opportunity, promotions, overseas business travel, and as each of these occurred, I thought I had reached my plateau, achieved what I had set out to achieve.  My heart always had different ideas.  I was happy for a short time and then I yearned for more.  I knew that I needed to keep on moving forward in order to grow, I was an unstoppable snowball rolling down the mountainside. 

Even now, in a different life, on a very different path, I am just the same.  My heart sets itself upon an idea, a dream that I wish to bring to reality within my waking world, and as soon as the seed is sown, I am unable to shake it.  Of course, I can choose to ignore it, I can turn my head away and refuse to listen to that quiet voice inside of my heart, to ignore its urges and its calls to arms.  But I am unable to ignore it for long.  I know that eventually, I must come back to it, to water the seed that has put out its small tendrils within the soils of my soul, that has gotten itself fixed around my heart, and I must tend to it, I must nurture it, for it is me and I am it.

You see, life is like that.  The storm may pass us by but the truth is that the next one is soon to arrive.  The peace and tranquility we find in between is our time for respite, a chance to recover our strength, an opportunity to internally digest and comprehend the lessons that our previous battle has shown to us, it is a time for contemplation, for recovery and it is a time to look to the future, to the next storm, the next battle that is coming.  For the storm will always come and when it does, you must be ready.  A heart that walks the path is a heart that can never lie dormant for long, it can never sleep.  It knows that path and it wants to keep on seeking, to keep on taking that next step.  And like it or not, you are going to go with it.  It is the way of the dreamers.  It is the way of the heart. 

We, we of the path, of the dream, of the light, of the heart.  We hear the call and we follow.  With shield and sword do we walk to the battle, to confront our enemies.  Our shield we call Faith, our sword we call Courage.  We shall never truly be defeated, for we are the walkers of light, on our one true path.  For we are the heartstrong, and always shall the light show us the way.

_________________________

A Time For Spirituality

Let's face it, our daily lives tend to be pretty full.  First off, there's that thing called work that most of us have to do.  To get to work, there's the daily commute, which seems to take longer and longer.  Then there's the family.  Looking after the children, if you have them, is another full-time job.  Perhaps there are elderly parents that need your care.  There's the grocery shopping, chores around the house, cooking, the dirty dishes, the lawns that require cutting and the regular maintenance of the garden, the car that needs a wash, household bills and the accounts to be paid.  Then you need to go to the gym, go for a run, play some sports, go to the movies, watch that TV program, visit friends, go to the bar, go to a restaurant.  Perhaps there's a dog to walk. There are a lot of things to take care of and all of them take up our precious time.  Where, in all of this do we find the time to connect with our soul, to sit quietly and talk with our heart?  Are we in danger of losing our spirituality?

For the past week, I have been participating in the 21 Day Meditation Challenge from Oprah and Deepak Chopra.  It has been the process of setting aside a specific amount of time each day, to sit down and to formally meditate, that triggered my thinking about spirituality in a modern society, and the questions of when and how do people find the time to meditate and to reconnect with themselves and the universe?

For me personally, I know that I have meditated throughout my life, albeit, not in a conventional sense.  I have always sought out peace and calm, quiet oases where I could sit and think, and just be me.  Down at the beach watching the waves; in a clearing in the woods amongst the trees; on the top of a hill or mountain, looking down upon the world; under the ocean, listening to the rhythmic sound of my own breathing; sitting quietly inside of a church or cathedral.  Wherever I have been, I have made time for these moments. 

There have been several significant advances in technology during human existence: fire, the wheel, agriculture, the industrial revolution, electricity, telecommunications, the combustion engine, computers and the digital age.  With each step, humanity has moved progressively ever further away from the natural world.  As a race, we are spending increasing amounts of time enclosed within the confines of our self made spaces, whether that be the car, the office, the home, the mall, restaurants, cafes, cinemas, or at the gym.  Then, there is our  immersion in television, music,  movies, the internet, video games, text messaging, and social media.  Human society is becoming ever more closed off from the natural world.  We are shutting ourselves away from nature and moving further away from our natural surroundings, cocooned in a world of concrete, steel, glass, bricks, mortar, and an endless stream of ones and zeros.

This has a detrimental impact on our ability to find moments to commune with our inner selves, that we are no longer finding quiet moments of solace, where we can be one with our natural environment.  Because of this, I believe that as a race, humanity is losing touch with its spiritual self, and with the spiritual world in which we live.   It seems to me that our collective belief is increasingly to see ourselves as separate from the natural world, able to control nature, but we are not separate and neither can we control the elemental force that is nature.  Humanity is as much an integral part of the life on this planet as a tree, a flower, an insect, a fish, or a bird.  Immersing ourselves in nature reconnects our souls with the force of life.  Losing those moments, takes us further from a spiritual path and understanding of life.

I see that there are two fundamental problems in modern society, in regards to finding spirituality.  The first is that our lives have become too busy, and the second is that we are increasingly closing off from the natural world.  I do not believe that either of these can be good for our race.  Something is being lost, something which, although intangible, is nonetheless an essential quality of what it is to be human.  Spirituality is being slowly eroded away.

Take the Sabbath for example.  There was a time in the England, when Sunday was a special day, preserved for prayer and family time, when the shops were not allowed to open, where pubs had restricted hours for the sale of alcohol, when large numbers of people used to attend morning church services, when lunch was a traditional roast dinner involving all of the family.  Now shops are allowed to open and trade, pub opening hours are far less restrictive, church attendances have long been in steady decline, and the traditional Sunday roast?  Well, in my family at least, that was lost long ago.  Where the Sabbath was once preserved as a day of thought, reflection and prayer, and for family time, it has been steadily reduced to just another day of the week, no longer as sacred, no longer set aside as a special day, and many people are now required to work.  It is just another sign of our increasing loss of spirituality in society.  A further distancing from our spiritual needs.

I am very fortunate.  My current work as a scuba diving instructor means I am usually out on the ocean, or immersed under it.  The very nature of my work allows me the time to connect with nature.  When I exchanged my corporate life in the UK for an alternative lifestyle, there was a big part of me that wished to find this very connection.  Now, living in Costa Rica, it is impossible not to connect with my natural surroundings.  As I do not own a car, I either cycle or walk to all local places, which allows me the time to look around, to think, to see, to feel.  When I am outside, I never listen to an iPod or other music player, I prefer instead, to listen to the pulse of nature.  I choose to hear the songs of the birds as they call and whistle one another.  I like to listen to the waves as they break on the shore.  I smile whenever I hear the calls of the monkeys that are hiding up in the foliage of the trees, somewhere in the jungle.  These are the natural rhythms of life, they help me to stay connected to nature.  They have helped me to become more spiritually aware.

Since I left the corporate world, it has been my immersion into the natural world that has truly opened my heart, so that I now see truly.  I have learned to see the miracles of life that surround us, that occur every single moment.  Everything that I have learned and now express in this blog, has been learned as a direct result of walking my one true path.  Perhaps I was always this way inclined, someone once told me that I was spiritual even before my life change.  I have always followed my heart, so I guess this is true.  But now, by choosing to be surrounded by the natural world, I have found a far greater insight and awareness of myself.

Don't lose your spirituality.  Find yourself a quiet moment to stop and reflect.  Take time to get outside, into a park, to go and walk in the woods or along the beach.  Stare up to the sky and watch the clouds roll by, see the rays of sunlight, gaze at the stars and the moon.  Unplug yourself and listen to the world.  Let your thoughts drift.  Slowly and surely, you will begin to recover your soul, you will begin to regain your spiritual self, and through this, will come self awareness, and you will open your heart and see the miracles that exist in every single moment.  Life is simplicity.  Peel away the layers and finally be your true and natural self.

________________________
 

Why There Will Always Be Another Dream To Fulfill

Some days, I struggle to figure out where I am, I cannot fathom what I am doing, nor can I understand how I arrived at this moment, to be in this place.  I question everything, I think about the choices that I have made, the decisions that I have taken, but there are two questions that come back to me time and again.  They force me to evaluate my life and to search for the truth inside of my heart.  I ask myself whether I am happy, and I wonder whether this life that I have created for myself, is truly my dream?

I created this life for myself.  I am both the architect and the builder.  No one is responsible for where I am, what I am doing, how I live, no one, that is, except for me.  I see taking personal responsibility and having accountability for your own actions and decisions, as one of the most important lessons that can be learned in life.  I am not here under duress or coercion, I wasn't forced into making any of my decisions a certain way by any other person.  All of my major life decisions have been taken by me, alone.  I had no long-term partner to include in the thought processes and who could help with deciding the direction to take.  It has always been this way.  I guess, people might describe me as being headstrong, because I make bold, life altering decisions often, and when I do, I do so quickly and decisively.  But to call me headstrong would be wrong.

No decision to change my life, to alter the direction of my path has been made by my head.  For sure, being a logical type of person, I weigh up the pros and cons, I might even make use of my project management skills and create a weighted decision table to aid in my thinking, and I'll always write down a list of advantages and disadvantages, so that I can more easily visualise everything with which I am grappling.  But the plain and simple truth is that every decision I have ever made has been made by my heart.  Each decision was made before I sat down and began the steps of logically analysing everything.  I already knew the outcome, I already knew what I was going to do, even though I might not be able to admit that to myself at the time.  Ultimately, my heart had decided in a single moment and what I have learned on my journey, is that I always follow my heart.  I know no other way.  I follow the way of the heart because rather than headstrong, I am and will always be, heartstrong.

I write here on these pages, that if you always follow your heart, then you will unlock the light within yourself, and you will ultimately discover and achieve your dreams.  So, it logically follows that if I am following my heart, then the life that I have now must be my dream.  If it is not, then everything in which I believe completely unravels and falls apart.  More than this though, it would mean that not only have I deceived myself, I have deceived every single person with whom I have spoken to about letting go of the fear, to follow the heart, and I have deceived every person that has taken the time to read this blog.  Can it be true then, that I have not achieved my dream and therefore, by not achieving my dream, I am living a kind of pseudo happiness, not the deep rooted kind that emanates from your soul?

No, that is not true.  I do follow my heart and I have achieved my dreams.  How do I know this?  Simply because when I am immersed under the ocean, surrounded by the incredible beauty of life, perfectly balanced in a state of neutral buoyancy, like an astronaut in zero gravity in space, when I am lost in tranquility, feeling calm and relaxed, and when I witness the miracles of life, then I know that I have achieved a dream.  When I look back upon my life, to the time that came before my life change, when I was working for IBM, I am filled with a deep sense of joy and pleasure, knowing of all that I achieved during my career and how I not only achieved that dream, but exceeded it by all of my wildest expectations.  These are the two biggest dreams that I have achieved thus far in my life.  There are many others.  Smaller, yet equally as important, because they are the steps along my path of learning and gaining an understanding of myself, my life, and my heart.

The problem is not that I am yet to achieve my dreams and find true happiness, because I have.  What I have realised is that all that I have gained and achieved so far, all of learning, of evolving my soul, of finding my path, of discovering my true self, all of this is just one part of my dreams.  I still have other dreams that I am waiting to fulfill.  Until I can achieve these dreams and make them a waking reality in my life, then there is always going to be a part of me that feels a sense of unhappiness and of knowing that the life that I have now, is not yet complete.  Only when I become a husband and a father, will I have fulfilled what I believe to be truly my life's work.  Then, perhaps I will know that I achieved all of my dreams, then I shall know true and complete happiness, then shall my heart finally be at peace.

Wait.  No.  That is not right.  You see, even then, I will have other dreams to fulfill, new lessons to be learned, more steps to take along my path.  It will never stop and I hope it never stops.  My heart will drive me onwards, along the path of my choosing, along my one true path, until the moment I draw my final breath, and look back upon a life that was lived, and dreams that were fulfilled.  And in that final moment, I will smile the sweet smile of pure happiness, and then I will know that I never knew the devil of regret. 

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Through writing this post, I have created a new word that describes perfectly, those of us who follow our hearts and strive to unlock the light that we hold within.  We are the heartstrong.  We are bold, we are adventurous, we are daring, and we are courageous.  We live our lives deliberately and we feel emotions deeply.  We strive to learn, to grow, to evolve our souls.  We have opened our hearts to see the miracles of life that surround us every single moment.  We know that love is the force of the universe and is found in everything.  And we the ones who will never give up the fight for our dreams.  Heartstrong.  Join us.

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Reading The Signs Of Life

Life is full of signs.  Learning to see them, to recognise them and to understand them is a necessary part of the learning process of the walk along the path.  Heeding the signs, that is probably the hardest thing of all.  But heed the signs we must if we are to be rewarded with the miracles of life that lie along our path, waiting for us to discover them.  The other day, life showed me two signs and by reading them, and more importantly, by heeding them, I discovered two miracles.

Life is truly full of signs.  Some of them are simple, like seeing dark, heavy and threatening clouds on the horizon, usually means that rain is surely on the way.  When the leaves begin to change colour and fall from the branches of trees, then we know winter is coming.  These are two very simple examples of the signs of life, but they are signs sent to us by nature and therefore by the Creator of all things.  We know them and we trust them.

In the ocean the other day, during the first dive of the morning, I was leading my divers around the north end of the rock formation and dive site known as Los Sombreros.  The visibility in the water was very good for this area of the Pacific, around 15m (50 feet) and coming around the north end, there lots of schools of fish to be seen in the water.  The north end of Sombreros is always an interesting dive because here, the ocean floor drops down to 23m (75 feet) and the currents coming around the rock attract large number of fish.  Due to those conditions, this dive site offers some great surprises and this day would prove to be no different.  As I passed to the side of one such large school of grunts, suddenly and as one body, all of the fish darted away.  Something had got them very spooked and that could only mean one thing - a large predator.  Immediately, I swam out towards the fish.  My instinct told me that there was something out there, lurking out in the deeper water.  My instincts were not wrong.

As I scanned out through the water and across the sand bottom, cruising into my view came a large shark.  My initial shock led to surprise, which led to disbelief.  We have sharks here in the waters around Playa Flamingo and those are usually white tip reef sharks and nurse sharks.  White tips are easy to distinguish by their, well, white tips on the top of their dorsal fin and tail and by their overall shape and size.  This was no white tip.  Nurse sharks tend to hide away during the day time, preferring to seek refuge and sanctuary in holes under rocks and in sheltered channels.  To the best of my knowledge, neither of these sharks is usually a direct threat to so many fish and cause the panicked reaction that had occurred.  I noted the shape and the tail of this shark.  It was large, possibly 8 - 10 feet in length.  It never came close enough for me to get a great look, but I had seen enough of it to know that it was something out of the ordinary.  My gut feeling is that this was a bull shark.  The reaction of the fish leads me to this conclusion, as does the tail shape and the general view that I was given of it.  Bull shark sightings here are very rare.  This was a privilege to witness.

The second dive was at a rock pinnacle known as Dirty Rock.  Here, there is a large population of king angel fish, that act as cleaners for the manta rays, when the manta rays are in season (December - March).  The angel fish pick off the parasites that live on the manta rays and essentially, clean them.  On this particular day, as the group of divers came around the rock, I saw that there was a small group of angel fish on the wrong side - they always tend to be on the sheltered side of the rock pinnacle, and this is where the manta rays come for their cleaning.  Almost at the moment that I noted that to myself, this group of angel fish swam passed me, clearly with some intent.  I turned around and there behind me was an almost entirely dark grey/black manta ray, probably 10 - 12 feet in wing span.  A second miracle of the morning had occurred.

This blog post is not meant to be a post about scuba diving and the joys that this activity brings to my life.  I used these two examples to illustrate only how life places the signs before our eyes.  Instead, what is important are the signs of life and the ability to read them and to understand them.  You see, life shows us the way.  Whether that is in the oceans, the forests, or the deserts, the signs of life are there for you to see.  Learning to read see the signs, to read them and to comprehend their meaning, is a necessary part of the journey that we all make along our one true path.

I believe that the signs that you need to discover are littered throughout your journey.  If you pass one by and fail to see it, then it will come again later on.  Perhaps not exactly the same sign, perhaps not exactly in the same way.  A sign might be an overheard conversation, it might involve the meeting with someone new and an exchange of information, it could be as simple as the shape of a cloud drifting slowly above you head.  The signs are there, they always have been and always will be.  I know that the Big Guy gave me many signs on my own journey and by being able to read them, I moved my life on.  I was able to evolve my spirit, to learn the lessons that I needed to learn.  I'm also sure that I have misread or even missed completely other signs and I know that these will come again, when I am ready for them.

If you travel along the path too quickly, always in a rush to be some place, you will miss the signs that have been laid out for you.  Rather, take your time, look about you, see the world for that which it truly is and as you do so, then so too will the signs begin to appear.  And how do you know when the sign is the right one for you?  You hearts tells it.  And your heart is the best reader of the signs that there can ever be. Trust it. Listen to it.  Follow it.  Your path, your one true path is out there, just waiting for you.  But then, you knew that already.

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We Are Born To Be Butterflies

A friend of mine recently posted some pictures of a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis.  Over the course of a few days, she posted a series of photographs, as the caterpillar transformed itself into something quite remarkably different, and emerged as a beautiful butterfly.  A simple miracle of life?  Yes, but it is also a perfect metaphor for our own lives.

For some creatures, their destiny is mapped out for them and their purpose in life is clear.  A caterpillar must become a butterfly.  It has to evolve and change, because it is programmed to do so.  Life wrote its story, life determined that this would be the way of things.  There is nothing to stop it.  Even if it could, the caterpillar is powerless to stay as a caterpillar, it has to change, it has to become something else, something more than it was.  No amount of effort can prevent it from becoming that which it was always destined to be from its birth.  The life story of a caterpillar perfectly illustrates two very important truths of life.  First, that inside of each of us there resides a great beauty waiting to be revealed and second, that each of us has one true destiny to fulfil.

My own soul and my own heart, spent many years as a closely guarded secret.  I kept them hidden from the world at large, too afraid to show my true self, too scared of what other people would say about me, or think of me.  I hid my true soul from my family and my friends.  I struggled with my weight from a young age and this had a massive impact on how I viewed myself.  In short, I viewed myself as ugly.  Ugly on the outside, ugly on the inside.  And I viewed myself in that way for many years.  That opinion of myself took a hold of me, it buried in roots deep in heart, it corrupted the way I thought of myself, it poisoned me against myself, and rather than step out and be all that I could be, I hid myself away.  I was embarrassed to be me.   A flower needs the sun and without it, will slowly wilt and die.  I denied myself sunlight and my heart and my soul began to wilt and fade.  Slowly, imperceptibly, I was killing myself.

There is one thing that holds true for life on this amazing planet.  Life is never beaten.  Life always finds a way.  In the arid, scorching, desolate sands of the desert, life exists.  In the deepest, darkest, abyss of the ocean, life thrives.  In the cold, desolate, bleak, freezing, whiteness of the poles, life finds a way to hold on.  Once created, life is a force that will keep on trying to survive, no matter the odds, no matter the conditions, no matter the adversities.  So it is with our hearts.  Our hearts are our life force.  All the time that your heart continues to beat, you have life coursing through your veins.  That life cannot be denied.  It cannot be halted.  It cannot be contained.  Life rescued me.  Or rather, I saw a break in the clouds and the emergence of a ray of golden light, and I saw that I had a chance to be more than I was, to go in discovery of my true self, to unleash the power and the beauty that resided in me.  And at the same time, I was given a chance to find my own true destiny.

Through a combination of events and circumstances, I freed myself from the shackles that had bound me.  I began to walk on my true path, I began to believe in myself.  The doubts and the fears about who I was subsided and were replaced by hope and confidence.  The more time I spent walking my own path, the stronger my convictions grew about who I was, who I wanted to be, what I wanted to do.  I did not need anything from my past to define me.  Everything that I needed to be me already existed within me.  I had always known that my heart was sensitive.  I had felt it all of my life.  I had always known that I was very much in tune with my emotions and felt joy, loss, elation, and sadness keenly.  Now, walking my path, I listened to my heart, I heard its voice and I heeded its call.  I began to let my true self emerge, I began to understand that I had no reason to be afraid of who I was.  I finally understood that it is not how we look on the outside that defines the person that we are, it is through our actions, our words, our thoughts and our hearts that we are defined.  It is what resides on the inside, that truly reveals our beauty as a person.

I see these two things as intrinsically linked in my life. I was not able to began to reveal my true self, until I began to walk my true path.  One led to the other.  Perhaps it was that at some point I showed my true self first, and though doing so, I discovered my path.  Yes, now that I have had that thought, I can feel the truth of it.  There was a person to whom I lowered my guard, to whom I showed my true self, my true spirit and in me, that person saw the struggle that I had to be free, and they offered me the hand of friendship and of fellowship.  They helped me to see the way ahead could only be my own way, my own destiny, my one true path.

I learned to stop hating who I thought I was and instead, to love who I am.  I learned to accept myself and to forgive myself, and this is an act of love - perhaps the greatest act of love.  Love reveals our inner being and beauty.  Love reveals our destiny.  I now walk the path of love.  It is love that unlocks the door to life and to the discovery of the light that resides within.  Through loving your own heart, you are able to truly set it free and to become everything that you were born to be.  Through love, I reveal my true self.  Through love, I walk my true path.

If you hear the voice of your heart and do not heed its call, then you will be destined to live out your life, just as a caterpillar does.  You'll know and you'll understand that you have a calling, a destiny that needs to be fulfilled, yet you will deny it to yourself.  In so doing, you will also deny yourself the opportunity to reveal your true self, that self that is your inner beauty.  If you do heed the call of your heart and begin to walk your one true path, then you will transform yourself into a butterfly.  You'll reveal your true self as a thing of beauty, you won't be afraid to show your fragility, since this is the very thing that defines what you are and allows you to be all that you need to be.  Through revealing your true beauty and fragility, you will show your strength and with an unfettered heart, you will flex your wings and fly free on the breeze.

Each of us is born a caterpillar.  Only those that walk their one true path will reveal the simple truth of life.  That we are born to be butterflies.

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Claudia And Elby

Claudia the caterpillar was feeling rather sad.  Earlier that day, she had been excited and happy and bursting to tell her friend Elby, who was a ladybird, her wonderful news.  For the past few weeks, a feeling had been growing inside of Claudia.  At first, it was barely perceptible, but it had been there, at the end of each day, whenever the quietness fell over the woodland.  She did not know what it was, or where it came from, but she felt it nonetheless.  It seemed to Claudia that the moment she became conscious of this feeling, it began to grow.  Or was it just because she thought about it more and more that slowly, and with the passing of each day, it grew a little larger?  For thoughts cannot grow on their own.  It is our own minds that water the seed that has been sown, and allow them to take root and grow their shoots. Soon, the thought had begun to come to her more and more often, until almost her every waking moment was filled with it.  It felt like a fire had burst into life inside of her soul, a fire that raged and wanted to be set free.  She realised that the feelings that she had were coming from a place deep within her, they were coming from her heart, as if her heart was willing her to be something more than she was.  Claudia could not hold these feelings to herself any longer and had decided it was time to tell her best friend all about it.  But everything had gone wrong the moment that she opened her mouth, and had begun to tell Elby, that she was ready for a change in her life.

"You know Elby, I feel that there is more to my life than just munching on leaves all day", she had begun.  "I feel that it might be time to try something different.  Something new."

"Whatever do you mean Claudia?  What is wrong with what we do now?"  Elby looked appalled at the thought.

"I don't mean there's anything wrong with it Elby.  It's just... it's just that perhaps there's something more to life.  I don't know.  I feel like I would like a change."

"But I like you the way you are!  I don't want you to change Claudia.  And I like things the way they are too.  We don't need to change.  We have everything that we need right here, just as we are."

"Oh... I see." Claudia had been hoping that her friend would share in her excitement and might get involved in helping her make plans.  "But I really feel it in my heart that I could do so much more, that I could be so much more."

"That's dangerous talk Claudia.  You've got to be careful about that kind of thing.  Change brings chaos and upset.  It's much better to stay safe and secure just as you  are.  And besides, if you change, then we might now have so many things in common any longer."

"But you would still be my friend if I changed wouldn't you Elby?"  Claudia was now concerned that this feeling inside of her might cost her the best friend that she had in the entire world.

"I guess I would", replied Elby, "But I suppose that really would all depend on how much you changed."

Claudia let the conversation drop there and had quickly changed the subject.  For the rest of the day, she had felt sad and now she no longer knew what she should do.  That night, Claudia thought more about the conversation with Elby.  Maybe she was just being silly and Elby was right about everything.  Things were certainly good as they were and it was not as if Claudia was unhappy with her life.  Yes, it was probably better to forget the whole thing, she thought.  And that is exactly what she did for the next five days. 
 
During those five days, Claudia went about her normal daily activities, she chatted with Elby and her other friends, and not once did she mention the feeling that was inside of her.  Elby didn't ask her about it either, because Elby did not want to risk reminding of Claudia of it.  However, as with all yearnings of the heart, it is impossible to silence them, since after you have heard their call, the memory of them will live with you, until either you venture forth and follow them, or you accept them and continue to live a life of regret and wonder about what may have been.  Claudia still felt the urgings of her heart.  In fact, she felt them stronger than ever and now she was feeling conflicted.  If I change, I will lose my friends, she thought.  This made her anxious and worried because she did not wish to upset her friends and she certainly did not wish to lose them.  "I don't want to change!  I don't want to lose my friends!" she yelled out to the woodland.  Then an idea struck her.  Perhaps if she went away and hid herself for a few days, these feelings would pass.  Yes, to be alone for a while and to work out these feelings was the best thing she could do.  And when she came back, she would still be the same old Claudia and she would still have all of her friends.

So Claudia crawled away to the edge of the woodland so that she could be alone and work through her thoughts.  Once she was there, she realised that she needed a place to hide, so that she would not be disturbed or seen by anyone.  Unfortunately, all of the suitable places that she found were already occupied.  She was just about to give up on finding a place where she could find the solace that she sought, when she a sudden thought came to her.  I can spin my own home!  Soon, Claudia was smug and warm inside of her own cocoon, where she settled down to think about her life and to try to forget all about the notion of change.

Once she was inside of her cocoon, Claudia lost all track of the time.  She was unable to see the sun nor the moon, so she had no idea how many days she had been hiding herself.  She slept for much of the time and when she was awake, she thought about her friends and especially about Elby, and wondered how they were, and whether they would be missing her?  Many times she felt the urge to leave her cocoon, but each time the thought crossed her mind, she quickly dismissed it because she felt that she was not yet ready.  The urge to be different was strong inside of her still, and she told herself over and over that she did not wish to change.  My friends are important to me, I do not wish to lose them, she repeated to herself.

And then, on the first morning of her fourth week, Claudia woke with a sudden start.  The feelings that she had been having were no longer inside of her.   Her heart seemed to be empty and quiet.  She had silenced them!  "Yes!" she shouted, "I've done it.  I stopped myself from changing.  I extinguished the urge.  I can see my old friends again!"  Excited and anxious to see her friends, she broke down a wall of her cocoon and squeezed herself out.  Hurriedly, she ran to see her most dearest friend, Elby, who she found sitting on her favourite toadstool.

"Hello Elby!" she called out as she approached.  "It's me, Claudia!"

Elby looked around but did not seem to see Claudia.   "Claudia?  Where are you?  I don't see you."

"It's me Elby.   I'm right here."  Claudia was now standing right in front of Elby.

"You're not Claudia.  What kind of trick is this?"

"Of course I'm Claudia!  Oh Elby, I've only been gone a few days, surely you haven't forgotten your best friend already?"

"I haven't seen Claudia for about three weeks.  After a few days, I feared that perhaps a bird had taken her.  But anyway, you cannot be Claudia because Claudia was my caterpillar friend."

"Oh Elby, it is me.  And of course I'm a caterpillar.  Have you been at the mushrooms again Elby?  You know how they affect you so."

"Well, I can safely say that you are no caterpillar.  You're a butterfly if ever I saw one."

"What?  What did you say?" Claudia was in shock.

"I said that you're a butterfly."

It was only then that Claudia felt the flex of the delicate wings on her back, the daintiness of her legs and the spring of her step.  "Oh my gosh!  I did change."  

"I don't know you any longer Claudia.  I told you that I didn't want you to change, and look at what you went and did!"  

Claudia could sense that Elby was annoyed with her, when she had hoped that she would be pleased to see how her friend had changed and grown.  "Are we no longer friends Elby?"

"I cannot be friends with someone I no longer know."  And with that, Elby unfolded her little wings and flew off, leaving a sad and stunned Claudia all alone.  Claudia sat and wept.

Some time later, she was still weeping when she heard a voice.  "Ahem.  Ahem!  So, sorry to trouble you, but you seem rather upset about something.  Are you alright?"

Claudia looked up to see a magificent and handsome looking butterfly standing before her, flexing it's wings slowly up and down. 

"I'm sad because today I lost my best friend."

"How could you lose your friend?  What did you do?"

"I changed from a caterpillar into a butterfly and my friend didn't want me to become different.  She became angry with me for changing."  Claudia began to sob again.

"Now let me tell you something.  What kind of person would not want to see their friend become better and to improve themselves?  What kind of person would want to stifle a friend's growth?  I would hardly call that kind of person a friend.  In fact, I would be so bold as to say that they were no friend at all, and furthermore, I'd say that very probably, they were jealous of you."

"Why would Elby be jealous of me?"

"Because you became something that she could not.  You grew.  You discovered your true self.  You followed the calling of your heart.  And because you became different.   A true friend would support you through all of that.  A true friend would be at your side for every step of the way.  By the way, my name is Monty." 

Claudia sniffed.  "I'm Claudia."

"Well Claudia, why don't you come with me and we'll find you some new friends.  I know a lot of other butterflies and insects that are going to be very pleased to meet you.  Will you come with me Claudia?"

"Yes, I will."

With that, both butterflies took to the air and flew once, twice, three times around the head of a bright yellow flower and fluttered off on the breeze.  And from that day on, there was never a more happy, contented and beautiful butterfly in all this world than Claudia.

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Even Those That Walk The Path Must Suffer

Some days, it is hard not to feel bitter and affected by the things that have occurred in your life.  Every single person suffers at one time or another, no one is exempt.  Not even those of us who profess to be walking our one true path are exempt from suffering the afflictions of failure, or from feeling plagued by doubts about the journey and the direction of the path.  This is all part of what it means to walk the path.  This is what it means to be alive. 

I am feeling this way right now.  Within me, a bitterness has crept upon me and taken hold, wrapping its tendrils of fear and hate around my heart.  I am not conscious of it all of the time, but in quiet moments of reflection, I find it there, whispering acid and noxious words, trying to smother the light of my soul with its dark cloak of negativity.

How can it be that a person who proclaims such happiness can suffer affliction and carry negativity and unhappiness within themselves?  The answer to that is simply this: I am human.  But there is also something more.  I am strongly connected to my heart and my heart is my life.  And because of this deep connection I have with my heart, I feel my emotions keenly. 

I am walking my one true path, of this I am absolutely and unequivocally sure. I know this is true because of the general way in which I view life.  My life has been an amazing journey and for this, I am truly grateful and appreciative.  I smile often.  I laugh for no reason, other than because of the joy I am feeling at that moment.  I am passionate about what I do.  These are the things that tell me I am on the right path.  I have been able to take advantage of opportunities that have come my way, opportunities that have shaped my destiny and allowed me to discover my own truth, my own path.  All that I have achieved, everything that I have witnessed and experienced has been possible because of one single reason.  I have been alone pretty much all of my adult life, I have never had anyone to share my path for more than a fleeting instant.  And that has been both a gift and a curse to me.

I have fulfilled many of my dreams in life.  Some of these dreams I did not know even existed until I discovered them.  I consider myself to have been extremely fortunate.  I was working at the hotel the other day, talking to some people about my life, and how I changed my stars and sought out my true path, when someone asked me if I had any dependents?  "No", I replied.  "Well then", she said, "that makes it much easier for you."  And she was right.  It does.  I have no dependents and I have no responsibilities to any other person.  I never have.  This is why I am able to live the life that I do.  This is how I am able to flit from one place to another like a butterfly that floats on the breeze.  The words that this woman spoke struck deep into me, they struck at my core.  It was certainly not the first time I had thought about this, but hearing it said by another person made it all the harder to bear.

It's not that I ever wanted to live my life alone.  Far from it.  I have always wanted to find the right person, to get married and to start a family.  Each time I have tried to form a relationship, it has gone wrong.  When I got close to settling down, a situation occurred that was to change everything.  I have never had a long term relationship.  I have never known what it is like to have someone by your side that you can rely on, that you can trust, and that you know fully.  I have never gotten that far.  I know that much of this has been my own doing.  I am not blameless.  I know the one major reason that my relationships have failed has been down to my own feelings of being undeserving of love, and in seeking out the kind of love that was ultimately doomed from the start.  I have invested so much time and effort in trying to make doomed situations work, that I have drained myself of energy and of my own life.  I have worked so hard to prove a point to myself, that no matter what I do, I will never find true and lasting love.  I have been the architect of my own failures.  It is akin to trying to build a skyscraper and knowing full well, that you did not ensure that there were solid foundations.

And here lies the basis for my feelings of negativity and bitterness.  I ask myself whether I have missed my chance of a family?  I am after all, now in my early forties and time is flowing ever constantly on.  Did I overlook any opportunities?  Should I have persevered longer in a relationship?  Did I take the easy route?  Did I run, when I should have stayed?  Is life playing a cruel trick on me, denying me the one thing I have sought the most? 

I'll never know the answers and they matter not.  I am here and it is now.  Everything that I have done, everything that I have experienced has brought me to here.  To this point.  I have been on a voyage of discovery about myself and I have learned so much.  Last year I finally had my eyes opened to the lesson of my life, that I saw myself as being undeserving of love.  Now, perhaps, armed with that knowledge, I have a real chance.  I think I always knew that I needed to strike out and to reach for my path.  It was something that always dwelt within me.  I now walk my one true path.  I am ready.  I may be late, but I am here now.  All I need do, is find a special someone who also understands the simple gifts of life, who can see that life is an opportunity not to be wasted, and someone who will laugh for no reason, just because they feel like doing it.  I am here.  I am waiting.  My search goes on.

When you walk your one true path, you will never be exempt from the feelings of bitterness, negativity, anger, fear, anguish, and anxiety.  These are all humans emotions and to live a life in tune with your heart, is to feel all of your emotions.  If you are walking your one true path, these feelings never last long.  At your core you will know love.  Love defeats every other emotion.  With love in your heart, you are invincible.  The tendrils of negativity will wither and die, they will be burned away by the bright glow and fire of love.  But you must know these feelings of negativity and make them your allies, because they help you to know that you are walking your true path.  If you cannot shake them, then the path is not true.  The true path is the path of positivity, of love and of the light.

And with this, goes my bitterness and my resentment.  My path has taught me much and it has shown me miracles.  I have total faith in my heart.  My heart is love and love is the light.  So I shall keep on walking, knowing that when the time is right for me, she will come. 

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Shall I Go Quietly Into That Good Night?

I have a friend who is currently going through the trauma of dealing with something that strikes fear into all of us.  It is the silent killer.  It is the killer that strikes seemingly at random.  It is the killer that cares nothing for all the good you may have done, neither the bad.  It is the killer that creeps up on you, unseen until too late.  Cancer.  With luck, my friend will get through this.  The prognosis has so far been favourable.  Through her, and her vivid and graphic descriptions of the torment and hell that she is going through, it has made me realise the fortune that life has thus far bestowed upon me, and for which I am extremely grateful.  I read her latest chapter this morning, as I lay comfortably in bed, supping from a mug of coffee and I felt nothing but compassion.  Once I had finished reading, I was struck by a thought and a series of questions:-

- What have I done in my life that makes my story worthy of telling?
- What do I really know about life, about hardship and suffering?
- What can I possibly teach people about love, when I am such a failure at it myself?

I've been writing my blog since 10th August 2012.  During that time, I've been viewed nearly 2,200 times.  As far as I am able to tell, amongst those 2,190 views, not one has come from my own family.  Not once, has my father, mother, brother or sister made any comment to me about my writing.  Even it they told me they thought it was terrible, at least I'd know that they had shown an interest.  And it's not as though I didn't share it with them, through e-mails, sending URL links, through conversations and through text messages.  What does that say about what I am trying to do?  What does it mean if my own family, the very people whose opinion matters more to me than any other, do not even deign to give the time to read and to understand what it is that I am trying to do.  On these pages, I am revealing my true self.  I am giving anyone and everyone the chance to know the real me.  I am giving an opportunity that most never give.  And that opportunity is being missed by those persons who I love the most.  What does that say about my worth and my value?  If I cannot even count my own family as fans of what I do?  Perhaps they are right, perhaps this is all nonsense.  Perhaps it is better to stop, to hold my thoughts within, and to go quietly into that good night.

What have I done with my life that is worthy of telling?  I suffered sometimes when I was young and I endured times of bullying and name calling at school.  But who hasn't?  I have been in a constant battle with my weight and my self image for as long as I have a memory.  In that, I know I am not alone.  I failed at school and left without reaching anywhere near my full potential.  There is no one else I can blame for that, other than myself.  I didn't work hard enough, I didn't put in the time, I rebelled and looked for the easy option.  I began my working life in a factory, on a production line.  I am certainly not the only person to do so, but what separates me from other people who began their working lives in the same way, and who perhaps had little or no choice in the matter, is that I chose it.  It seems that I purposely sought out failure.  That I purposely strove to under achieve.

Through hard work and endeavour, I was able to rectify some of my mistakes.  I found a job more suitable to my skills and abilities.  I progressed up the career ladder.   And with that progress came the material fruits of success that we think are so important.  My career allowed me to travel on business and to see the world.  My career allowed me to live overseas, to experience a new culture, to make new friends.  And what did I do with this career that was so good to me?  I walked away from it.  I threw it away, I sold it and I gave it way.  And with it, I disposed of everything else that was associated with it.  I deconstructed my life.  I set myself back to where I had been at the very beginning, only perhaps now, there was no way to start over.  Perhaps now, I am further behind than I ever was.  Once again, I strove to destroy me life.

With my love life, I have been the architect of all of my problems.  I chose the wrong people to fall in love with.  I pursued love that was unworthy of me.  I chased the love of which I believed I was deserving.  It is my fault that I am yet to find lasting love with that special someone.  There is no remarkable tragedy, no huge injustice, worthy of a Hollywood movie.  Just a series of poor choices and judgement calls.  If my love life were a movie, you would be waiting a long time for any happy ending.  You would give up part way through watching, you would lose any empathy and you would become frustrated at seeing someone persevere, where there was simply no hope of success.  So what can I teach about love?  I have never had a conventional long term relationship.  I have never known the feelings of deep comfort and security that come from sharing your life with a loving partner.  Doesn't that make me a hypocrite?  Doesn't that make whatever I write about love to be false?

I have no riveting story to tell.  Many of the people I have met along my journey seem to think that I possess a story that is worthy and deserving of being told.  My blog has been my attempt to do just that.  I didn't begin to write because someone told me to do it, I began to write because finally I wanted to achieve something that I have long harboured as a desire.  But what do I really have to say?  I am after all, just an ordinary man, doing ordinary things and I am the architect and the creator of all that has happened to me.  All of the good and all of the bad.  It has all been created by my hand.

But did I really create all this by myself?  What is it that has driven me forward throughout my entire life?  I have never sat and bemoaned any of the situations in which I found myself.  No, sorry, that is not true.  I have done that, I am no different to anyone else in needing time to understand, to comprehend the situation.  But I never sit idle for long.  I am driven by a strong and deep desire to do more, to be more, to be better than I am today.  Where does this come from?  The answer is simply that it comes from my heart.  Perhaps I have been fortunate to discover the power that resides inside of my heart earlier in life than others.  I can see when I look back on the choices I have made in life, that one thing is abundantly clear: Every choice has been made by my heart.  Perhaps it is this, that is the story I have to tell.  Perhaps this is the message I need to share.

I do know that each of us has our own path in life and none of those paths can ever be the same.  Each is unique, each has its own story, its own time and its own place.  It is difficult to understand what is happening to us and why it is happening to us, when we are caught up in the maelstrom.  Only after, when we sit down in the quiet aftermath, can we comprehend it.  Every thing happens for a reason, and that reason is to drive you onwards towards your spiritual evolution.  Maybe I didn't need to suffer the way others have to suffer in order to understand the message of life.  Perhaps, I was fortunate to have formed a connection with my heart from an early age.

Maybe, the value in my life is simply this:  I am an ordinary person, there is nothing special or remarkable about me.  I have never claimed to be any different, nor do I seek to be.  I am only that which I am.  And perhaps, through expressing myself here, through the pages of this blog, I can reach through to others who also consider themselves ordinary.  Perhaps, with my words, I can inspire change, I can inspire personal growth, and I can inspire a spiritual evolution.  When you read the stories of history, the names and the deeds of the heroes are always mentioned.  But in every story, there are astounding deeds of bravery and heroism committed by many, who forever remain nameless.  Each of us is a hero.  Each of us has a remarkable story to tell.

Let make one thing very clear.  I shall never go quietly into that good night.  Any person that I have ever encountered since I found my voice, since I began to discover the real me, will know that I never go quietly.  I never give up the fight until I know in my heart that it is lost.  And I will never change.  I will keep on striving forward.  I will continue to follow my heart.  I will continue to walk my one true path.  And if this is a story that is worthy of telling, then I will tell it.  I trust it to you to decide whether there is worthiness in my words.  Whether you can find meaning in what I say.  I hope that you stay with me on the journey. 

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