The End Is Only The Beginning

The end is really only the beginning.  That's certainly one way to look at it.  As one moment ends, we find ourselves already in the midst of another.  Countless millions of moments that together make up a life story.  One moment is all it takes to change the world, to alter the path of destiny.  One moment, one opportunity, one life.  It always comes down to that one single moment, a point at which your future is being decided, even if you are not aware of the consequences that surround you, of the swirling mass of possibilities that are lining up, taking order, falling into place.  And on we go, oblivious, until with hindsight, we look back down the road, and there, basking in all its glory, finally revealed to even the most blinkered of eyes, is that one pivotal moment that shook your world, that altered the course of your destiny and that brought you to the point at which you are now.  Sitting in a cafe in a seaside town in England, on a cold, wet, and dreary December day, staring out of the window at all of the activity in the street outside.

My time in Costa Rica has ended.  In fact, it was over on 5 December, as the plane hurtled down the runway of San Jose airport, as the wings lifted with the air velocity and pressure differential, and the wheels touched Costa Rican tarmac for the last time that day.  Airborne and with it, my future changed, it shifted.  Plans that had been made started to become a reality, thoughts, electronic pulses stored in my brain, turned into tangible occurrences.  This journey across the Caribbean and Atlantic oceans represented both an ending and a beginning.  This is life.

In death comes life.  Perhaps, with it being the day before Christmas, my thoughts turn to Jesus, which makes me think of the Resurrection.  "In death, I become life." (I just Googled that phrase in the belief that someone must have said it before, but my search brings forth no such findings.  So, I am taking it as my own creation.)  In other words, I must die before life comes again.  That is the way of our dreams.  We realise one dream and that dream must end before another can come to fruition. 

I have died many times in my life, I have experienced many endings.  With each cycle, I have changed, perhaps imperceptibly so, but I know that the person who began this odyssey into the unknown is not the same person who sits here in this cafe today.  How could I be?  I have seen and experienced too much.  I have opened myself up, I have given myself over to life, to the possibilities of something more, I have witnessed miracles, known people and cultures, suffered, cried, loved, and laughed.  Every thing and every person I have ever had contact with is some how now inside of me.  Maybe this is how we grow as people?  We internalise everything with which we come into contact and every emotion with which we experience.  We take a part of it all, a part of life and we bring that within.  At the same time, we are imparting something of ourselves to each person, to each experience.  Our soul is nourished and in turn nourishes those who we meet.  With each experience, we leave behind a trace of our soul, a signature that lasts an eternity, intrinsically linked to the time, to the place and to the participants.

Maybe what I am talking about today is the soul of life.  What if all of life shared a single soul?  One elemental force that linked every thing to every thing else.  People, animals, birds, fish, trees, shrubs, grasses, oceans, rivers, rocks, mountains, sand, clouds, rain, sun, moon, stars, air, Earth.  It's all of life in perfect balance, the soul is one, it is whole.  It leads me to something I have written before, "I am in everything and everything is in me."  I am in no doubt that when Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life" (John 14:6), what he was referring to was that every single one of us has the power within us.  In the heart lies the truth.  In the heart lies the way.  In the heart lies the life.  It is in our hearts that the power to become all that we were born to be is to be found.

Well, as always, I begin to write, unsure of where I will go and something always comes.  The flow of the mind is often a surprise to me and that is why I love to sit in a cafe and write.  This will probably be my last post of 2013 and I look forward to continuing the journey in 2014.  I hope that you will stay with me as we each travel down our own unique path.  It all begins again on 1 January. A turning of the page. A new chapter to be written.  An ending and a beginning.

Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year to you all.

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Eight Years And Still Going Strong

It is the beginning of October 2005.  I do not yet know it, but my life is about to change forever.  There is an idea in my head, there is an opportunity to do something completely different in my life.  Perhaps it is a fools opportunity, but it remains an opportunity nonetheless.  In one hand, I have everything that I wanted: great job and career, business travel, nice apartment, sports car, platinum cards, no debts.  I did not come by this easily, I had to work extremely hard to achieve it, to have a little luck on my side, and to strive forward purposefully.  And now, I sit in that same apartment, staring out across the city, crushed under a leaden sky, to the cathedral spire that rises so majestically to the heavens, and I contemplate leaving it all behind, throwing it all away on some whimsical chance of adventure, to go backpacking to South East Asia.  Was I out of my mind?  Eight years later, I know the answer.

Why would anyone in their right mind even contemplate doing such a thing?  The answer to that question is that I believe they would not.  You see, decisions such as this are not made in the head by someone who is thinking rationally and logically.  A decision like this is made in the heart, and as such, it defies logic, since it was made with love.  I turned my back and walked away from a life that offered me financial security and stability, that offered me a pension plan, the chance of early retirement, healthcare, paid vacations, and other benefits.  I held in my hand the kind of life to which we are taught to aspire towards by our parents, our teachers, and our governments, that we are sold on a daily basis by advertisers and the media, the life that society as a whole, has decided is the right kind of life, the successful kind of life.  My problem, if that's what it is was, was that my heart held a very different view of what it deemed to be a success in life. 

I think this is a very important point.  Not everyone shares the same dream and that is a good thing.  Some people are born to be doctors, nurses, teachers, farmers, priests and many other occupations besides.  You know these people because they are the ones who exude passion for what it is they do.  I was not born to sit behind a computer, to stare at spreadsheets, no matter how important the decisions my interpretations of the data might be.  I had no passion for what it was that I did.  I just happened to be good at it and to thrive on the sense of importance and belonging that it gave to me.  These were nothing more than false idols and in my heart, I knew it.  I always had.  I didn't want to sit and discuss business at the restaurant, on the plane, in the airport lounge, on a Sunday evening teleconference.  I wanted to be away, to be free, to shake off the costume and the facade I wore and to be my true self again.  The further my career progressed, the more invested I was, the harder that became.  I saw my colleagues and I regarded them almost in an out of body way, as if I was not really there, I was looking on remotely.  These were, on the outside at least, different creatures to me.  Perhaps I was the wolf in sheep's clothing and they were the genuine article.  Perhaps, now that I think about it, they were exactly the same as I was, they too wore their masks, recited well rehearsed lines, and acted out their own part of the play.  Maybe they saw me in the exact same way that I saw them? I never thought about it in that way before.  But I saw them as company men and company women and I was not one of them.  I was different, I knew that I would break away from it, I felt it within me, had known it for so long, for too long, and I simply waited for the right moment, the right opportunity.  Whilst I waited, I positioned my life in such a way that when the opportunity came, I would have no reason to say no.

In the late summer of 2005, that opportunity arrived.  As the words were voiced to me one evening down at the pub, over a pint of the black stuff, I knew the answer without a moment of hesitation or doubt.  Here was the chance to make a change, to have an adventure, the likes of which I had only dreamed.  A few weeks later, under pressure to make a business trip to Chicago, to attend an important client meeting, I found myself talking with my boss on the telephone and I heard myself resign from my job.  What had I done?  I knew that even though I had resigned and was working out my notice period, I could get back in again.  I knew I was well respected and liked, that all I had to say was that I had made a mistake, and everything would go back to how it was before.  But I never did.  Even after I left, during the period I was selling all of my material possessions in readiness for my adventure, I still felt sure they would take me back, it was still not too late.  I could cancel the ticket, call up my old boss, say sorry, negotiate my way back in.  The thought did occur to me, it was just not as strong a pull as the pull of adventure.  I was finally out, standing on the verge of something new, something terrifying and I was about to find out whether my dream was just a fool's wandering mind and nothing more.

I gave up everything I had known, I took away all the securities of family, home, comfort, income, and known routine and forced myself into a life unknown.  I had a round the world plane ticket that would take me from London to Bangkok, to Sydney, to Auckland and then back to London.  I had a place to stay in Bangkok for my first few nights, with a friend of my sister.  Other than that, I had no plan, no idea where I was going to go, no idea what I was really doing.  In many ways, this is exactly what I wanted.  I didn't want to know.  Not because I was afraid of it but rather because I wanted to live on the edge, to go from place to place and have my first priorities those of food, water and shelter.  I wanted to get back to the basic needs of humanity, to throw off everything else, and to see what exactly there was inside of me when I exposed myself completely to life.  And so I did.

My adventure would unfold in a random, rather haphazard fashion, until at some point in time a few months later, my heart found the very thing for which it had always sought: a paradise island of white sand and palms, a turquoise ocean that lapped at its shores, wooden huts on stilts close to the waters edge.  A picture postcard version of my heaven.  I discovered like minded people, I found myself with fellow wanders and adventurers.  And in this heaven, I discovered the thing that would change my life again, I discovered scuba diving.  But more than this, I found a place where I could be completely and utterly free, where I was able to be my true self, to indulge myself in my fantasies, to get up close to nature and to witness her miracles, a place where I discovered the meaning of life.  That place was under the ocean.

In scuba diving, I found my passion.  I discovered something that no one had ever talked to me of doing before.  Had someone recognised my love of the ocean, of being in the ocean, of playing around down at the beach, then perhaps they might have suggested it to me, but being from England, and despite living at the seaside, scuba was not something I knew, other than on some old Jacques Cousteau documentary.  I had to take a chance on life in order to make this discovery.  If I had not, perhaps I would still be looking for my thing, perhaps I would now be sitting in an office, spreadsheet in front of me, jiggling numbers, and not writing a blog post from my bed in Costa Rica, with the sound of early morning calls from the birds as company.

Now here I am, eight years later and I am still going strong.  Eight years of dreams and adventures.  I returned back to England after Asia and four months later, I was sitting in a lecture theatre on campus at Victoria University of Wellington, New Zealand, for my first ever lecture.  I graduated three years later with a bachelors degree in Information Systems and an A grade average across all eighteen papers that I sat.  On another whim, I travelled to South Africa, where I rekindled my love of scuba diving and there, made the decision to become an instructor.  A decision that brought me across the Atlantic, to the Caribbean and to Central America.  In the process of all that has happened, I made perhaps the biggest discovery of them all: I found my true self, and I came to an understanding of my life, of who I am.  I still do not know what the future holds in store for me, no one can ever truly know that answer, and I do not wish to know, since that is the mystery and adventure of life. 

So, eight years later, was I out of my mind?  The answer to that question is an unequivocal yes.  Completely and utterly.  You see, I had to be out of my mind so that I could accomplish all that was required.  I used to be described as being headstrong and stubborn, but that was never the truth.  The truth of my life is that I am heartstrong and for me, that is what has made all of the difference, that is what has allowed me to go on this voyage of discovery.  Of course I was out of my mind, there can be no doubt of that, because I was in another place entirely.  I was in my heart. And there I shall remain.

_________________________  

Accepting The Hardest Truth

I don't know why that title came to me. It just did, literally a moment ago and I was compelled to write.  In our lives we are constantly challenged, we have to think, to try comprehend and to understand.  We encounter many different people, many different emotions, some of which create conflict in our souls.  We are taught that acceptance is a good, a trait that makes us more human, that allows our compassion to grow.  We accept those who are different from ourselves, we accept that there is inequality, we accept unfairness, we accept humiliation and bullying, we accept cruelty, we accept humanities rapid and systematic raping and destruction of this planet's ecosystem.  We accept so many things.  To not accept them, is a life of hardship, of rebellion, of standing out, and so it seems that if we wish to get on, we really don't have a choice.  We go quietly in our acceptance and marvel at those who take a stand.  I believe that there is one thing more than any other that we all have difficulty in accepting, which is simply this: I am perfect.

From the moment that we begin to understand our environment, to become cognitive to our surroundings and ourselves, we find that we are showered with love and attention.  It comes from many different sources: our parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, their friends, their colleagues, strangers on the street that stop to coo.  We learn from the outset that we are loved, that we are special.  As time passes, this concept is challenged.  As we grow older, the attention that we receive reduces as our importance in the every day lives of those around us also reduces.  It is inevitable, it has to be.  Parents need to return to work; perhaps another sibling comes along who demands our parents attention; as we grow, we become more secure and more able to fend for ourselves; life's priorities change.  There is just one problem in all of this, no one tells us this is going to happen.

As the attention becomes less, you try to figure out why?  Did you do something wrong, something that has upset your parents?  You begin to fight for attention.  You make more noise, you throw tantrums, you cry, you begin to do crazy things, you act up.  This only results in punishment and it becomes clear this was the wrong strategy.  Then, you might try some different tactics.  You begin to over eat, hoping that someone will notice that something is wrong with you, that they will turn to you and give you back the missing attention and love.  Perhaps you begin to take out your frustrations on the perceived cause of your problem and you become cruel towards your younger sibling.  These also prove futile, so what can you do next?  If all of the external factors fail, what is left?  There is you.

Logic leads you to start to believe that you must have done something that has caused this loss of love and attention.  This is not a sudden epiphany moment.  It takes time to fully take hold, like some evil darkness that takes root in your heart, and slowly, imperceptibly, spreads its tendrils around your heart, until it has you.  You begin to perceive that you have done something wrong, that some action that you took was the cause of your downfall, that something about you is the reason.  If we are born as perfect, here then is the moment when we cease to be anything but perfect.  Our illusions are shattered and from this moment on, we begin to find fault with ourselves, we begin to see ourselves differently.

At the same time these thoughts are occurring to us, so too are we learning.  We begin to understand the concepts of tall, short, fat, thin.  We go to school, we are surrounded by many other children, none of whom wish to be seen as any different, none of whom wish to stand out from the crowd, popularity is everything.  An animal instinct rears its head, it is the most primeval of all, survival.  Evolutionary theory is based upon survival of the fittest, and it is no different in this situation.  The strong prey on the weak.  Anything that is different is ceased upon, name calling occurs, and simple teasing often leads to bullying.  For both the bully and the bullied, the concept of different, of imperfection, is reinforced through the act.  The perpetrator would not act, if imperfection did not already exist in their own heart.  Again, we are having the idea that we are less than perfect enforced upon us.

In the New Testament, we are taught that Jesus came to the material Earth to free humanity from sin.  This teaches us that we are born as sinners, that even before we are able to think for ourselves and to form any kind of conscious thoughts of our own, we have sinned.  I personally reject this notion, but it is there, in the Bible, nonetheless.  Once more, we are taught that we are less than perfect, that we have wronged and that is some way, we need to atone for this error -an error that we did not even commit.

We begin to look in the mirror and to see in our reflection the faults and the flaws in ourselves.  This is a process that continues throughout our lives.  Even now, I catch myself doing it.  I look at the white that now grows on my chin if I allow my stubble to grow for a week or more; I see the grey hairs on my head, hiding amongst my blonde; I see a line of hair that slowly recedes, revealing a forehead too large; I see eyebrows that are too bushy, too black; I see frown lines; I see a ear with a squared off top; I wish I were taller; I wish my back didn't arch as much; I see an eyelid that wants to drop when I begin to get tired; I see myself as overweight.  I see so many faults in myself, it is all too easy to do so. 

Every day, I know that I fight against the over whelming urge to think of myself as wrong, ugly, and no good.  Everything points to these things.  I've written before about my adolescent years, I written before of my time being single and my struggles to find love.  There is a large body of evidence that can be brought forth if needed, to prove everything that I believe about myself.  This belief that I formed from a very early age and that I have reinforced, time and time again, by every negative experience and by each time I have failed.  I add to the growing case file with every rejection, with each new failing of my attempts at finding love.  I am the one at fault, it is some flaw in the way I look, some problem with my personality, it is me.  Conclusion: I am unlovable. 

But there is one huge flaw in the case against myself - I made it.  In fact, there is no fact, I made it all up.  It is a set of beliefs and nothing more.  Beliefs can be challenged and beliefs can be changed.  There was a time when people believed that the Earth was flat, that it was at the centre of the universe, that walking on the moon was impossible.  These beliefs were challenged and thinking was altered.  So too, can I do the same with the thoughts that I have of myself.  So too can you.  There is something that is very difficult for people to accept.  We learn to accept so many things in life, but this one, I believe, is the hardest of them all:  I am perfect.

You are perfect.  That is your starting point.  That is where the journey must begin.  Inside of you is a heart that beats to the rhythm of life.  Life is the living, breathing, material form of love.  Your heart is love, pure love.  You have to begin to love yourself and in so doing to accept the truth, that actually, when you strip away everything, to reveal your bare soul, there you will see perfection.  You are a miracle.  You are the result of evolution's greatest creation.  The work of millions of years, the culmination of billions of years that stretch all the way back to the very dawning of creation itself.  Your journey did not start the moment in which you were born, nor the moment in which you were conceived.  It was in the moment of the Creation, when the spark of love ignited the big bang, that your journey began.  Love was the beginning and love will be the end.  You are love and so you need to manifest that in all that you do.  Become love, become your true self, and accept the truth, that you have always been and will always be perfect.  Just be you.

_________________________ 

    

Beginning Is Everything

It is February 1999 and I'm sitting beside a campfire with a colleague from the local office, we're in a game reserve, a couple of hours drive outside of Johannesburg, South Africa.  It's my first visit to South Africa, I've been here only a few days, and I barely know Sergio, yet here I am, knowing that there is something important, something significant about this weekend.  Perhaps that is only the excitement I feel of embarking upon this little adventure, the kind of adventure of which I had only ever dared to dream.  Perhaps it is the calming affect of the flames and the twinkling lights of the sky above me, but as our conversation turns to matters of life, despite our knowing each other only for a very short time, I feel completely at ease.  A moment arrives and Sergio asks me what it is that I really would like to do with my life, what are my dreams?

As I sit there, staring into the flames, my mind becomes blank.  There is nothing, only a vast emptiness, static through the radio.  I shuffle uncomfortably in my seat, knowing that I should be able to say something, to be able to elucidate a response, but I cannot.  "I don't know", I mutter it, feeling a sense of embarrassment that I cannot articulate any deep seated passions in life, that I don't have any clear vision of my future.  Sergio surprised me then.  Most other people would probably drop the topic, let it go and move on to a subject in which we could both actively engage, but he did not.  Instead, he said something that I was not expecting.  "Yes, you do", he said.

Three simple, one syllable words, that were to change my life forever.  Sergio continued to explain to me that I did know what it was that I wanted, only I had locked it away deeply inside.  "Everyone has something that they wish to do, something that they wish to be", he told me, "Everyone has a true purpose".  Try as I might, that evening, I was unable to find it inside of me.  I knew there were elements of things I enjoyed but these were incoherent, they were pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that I saw no way of slotting together.  I had always loved the outdoors and nature.  Each winter I longed for the onset of spring, knowing that this was to usher in the months of summer, and summer meant I could spend time at the beach and in the sea.  I loved to feast my eyes on mountains, rivers, valleys, hills, trees, flowers, grass, wild animals and birds, all of nature, but these alone were not anything that I could do, they were not a plan for the future, they did not constitute a life that I could lead.  Although I had told Sergio that I did not know, I did know somewhere deep inside, that it had something to do with all of these elements, but I feared that to say as much, meant that I would look a little foolish in front of a colleague, and so I remained silent and kept this to myself.

From this time on, I began to give thought to what it was that I really wanted to do in my life.  These thoughts would come and go, and it would take several more years, many different people, many different places, and a single book, before I was to make my own discovery.  But the seed had been truly planted and from this moment on, I had begun to awaken to the possibilities, I was becoming open to life.  I knew back then that there was a desire inside of me to do something different with my life, something that had greater meaning for me.  How then, was I ever going to unlock it and give it the wings that it needed to fly free, if I could not articulate it for myself?  And if I could not articulate it, how was I ever going to be able to bring it to fruition?

I think this is true for many of us.  We have a very clear idea of what it is that we do not want to do in life and we find it easy to say what those things are.  However, when it comes to saying what it is that we do want, we find it incredibly difficult to describe what that is.  I have asked others the same question that Sergio asked me that evening, and I have received similar responses.  People tell me that they do not know what it is that they want, that they know they want to make a change in their life, but they cannot say for sure what that change involves, only that they feel the need to make it.  I hear their words and they echo back through time to my own past.  Having experienced and learned all that I have during my own journey, I know that somewhere deep inside, every single one of us has our own particular answer.  That answer is the truth for your life, it is your one true path.  Discovering it, will allow you to unlock the light that lives inside of you.  So, why is it easier to say what we do not want, but not so easy to describe to someone that which we do want?

I believe that it is primarily out of a sense of fear.  Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of losing your comfort and security, fear of what people will say, fear of what comes after, fear of failure.  There is one other fear: the fear that if you are able to visualise clearly what it is that you want to do, then you no longer have an excuse for not doing it, and if that were to happen, you would live with a constant sense of regret.  All of the time that I could not articulate my own vision and dream, I could not make a start, since there was nothing that I could grasp and work on.  It was like trying to hold on to mist.  In not being able to say what my dream was, I gave myself the ultimate excuse for not beginning, for not doing it.  I know that I used to look at other people, all of whom seemed to have such a clear vision for their lives, and I would feel a sense of inadequacy.  I know that there was a part of me that felt that I was not worthy of achieving my dreams, that I was undeserving of finding my truth, and because of this, I did not believe that I was worthy of making a start.

How did I overcome all these fears?  I simply began.  I think I always knew that I would begin, I waited only for the right moment and the right set of circumstances.  In truth, I didn't just wait, I actively looked for them, I wanted them to come to me, I wanted an excuse to quit my old life and begin the new.  And they did come to me.  When they did, I seized upon them and I made it happen.  I took my first step towards changing my life from the one that I had, to the one that I wanted.  I took that step without really knowing what awaited me down the path.  I took that first step full of fear and trepidation for what lay ahead.  I walked into the unknown and the moment that I did, it was no longer the unknown, it was no longer the fearsome darkness, instead, it became my life.

Even though I began my journey, I still had no true idea of what it was that I was going to do, where it was going to lead me.  I think that was the point though.  My own dream started out as a need for travel, travel that was unhindered by time or any other commitments.  What I did was to give myself the opportunity to make discoveries about life and about myself.  Along the way, I found what it was that I had been seeking, I found the thing that I had never been able to articulate to anyone before.  I discovered the world under the ocean, and from that moment on, my life changed and I began to become the real me, the person I had always born to be.  If I had not begun, I could never have made this discovery.  I would never know it and everything that has happened since would not exist.  Isn't that an interesting thought?

So, you may be sitting there, saying to yourself that I was lucky, that I had good fortune and yes, this is true.  But that would never have come my way if I had not begun, if I had not taken a chance on life.  You may be sitting there telling yourself that you still do not know what it is that you want, that you cannot visualise your own dream.  To you I say this: Open your heart.  That is where the answer lies.  No matter how ridiculous your idea may seem to you, nor how impractical, foolish or silly, if it comes from your heart, then it is your own truth.  It is what you must do.  If you feel afraid to start, consider how you are going to feel knowing that out there is your dream just waiting for you to find it.  I will leave this post with just one word of advice for you: begin.  You see, beginning really is everything.

_________________________

The Lull After The Storm

After a storm comes a time of tranquility.  The dark clouds roll away, the flashes of lightning and the rumbles of thunder seek out new horizons, new eyes and ears to torment.  The rain ceases, the sky clears, the winds calm, and a stillness settles over all of life.  Peace comes again to the land.  And it is no different with the heart.  At times, when we walk the one true path, we must battle through a raging storm, so that we may find the peace that exists on the other side.  But for how long does that peace last?  Does the voice of our heart ever cease its constant urging? 

When we seek out our dreams, we must do battle with many elements, with many foes.  During the battle, the heart must know when to defend and parry the blows of our enemies, and it must know when the time is right to strike, to swing the sword that will ultimately defeat them, and lay them by the wayside.  The heart suffers during the struggle for our dreams, but ultimately, if you persevere, you will succeed - always.  After the final battle, when the dream has been realised, so to do you enter into a time of tranquility and peace.  You have achieved all that you set out to achieve, you have your heart's desire, you have arrived at the end of your path.  You can sit down and relax, you can look back upon the trials and the tribulations, the times of sufferings, the moments when you thought you had failed, the times of victories that kept you pushing on, you see and feel the scars of battle that you know you will carry for the rest of your days, and you feel a deep satisfaction at having arrived at the place that you intended, of having achieved your dream.  You will live out the rest of your days with all of this knowledge and you will be content and happy.

This is how I thought it was going to be.  After I achieved my dreams, I would find peace and contentment within my heart.  It is true, that I did for a short while, for a time I was happy and I did bask in the glow of my success - actually, I still do - but there is always a feeling that will not, that cannot ever go away.  It sits in my heart, sometimes quietened by the joys of knowing all that I have achieved, by the flying of my soul as it soars on the wings of our successes, but the voice is never truly gone.  Even in the times of great elation, I can hear its whisper of gentle urging.  It tells me that we are not yet finished, that there is still more to be done.  This voice speaks to me of other dreams yet to be fulfilled, of other quests that are yet to be begun, it shows to me that the path is not ended, and I hear the truth of its words, nay, I know the truth of its words.  These words fall heavily, raining down like a hammer on the anvil, each one ringing out with chimes and the weight of truth.

There was a time when I would never have described myself as ambitious or driven.  I was content to follow, happy to be a nameless part of the herd, lost within the safety of the many, never seeking to stand out and to be different.  But I could not remain that way.  Always, there was a feeling inside of me that I could, that I should, do more, that more importantly, I should be me.  I struggled for many years to find my voice, to be able to stand with confidence and to show the world who I was.  Eventually, I did, it was inevitable, I only needed to find the right place and to channel my energy.  From that day forth, I realised that many things were achievable in life, that I could rise above the afflictions, that I could distance myself away from all that I had been and known before, that I could be my true self.  With this realisation came ambition and a drive to achieve.  All of the problems and the sufferings I had known for those many years and overcome, fuelled me.  I knew that if I could overcome all of those things, then I could overcome anything, and so I began my journey, my quest to see just how far I could take things.  I became driven to succeed in whatever I set my heart upon.

With this drive, came the realisation of my dreams.  I did not look on it as such at the time, but that is exactly what it was.  My drive brought to me opportunity, promotions, overseas business travel, and as each of these occurred, I thought I had reached my plateau, achieved what I had set out to achieve.  My heart always had different ideas.  I was happy for a short time and then I yearned for more.  I knew that I needed to keep on moving forward in order to grow, I was an unstoppable snowball rolling down the mountainside. 

Even now, in a different life, on a very different path, I am just the same.  My heart sets itself upon an idea, a dream that I wish to bring to reality within my waking world, and as soon as the seed is sown, I am unable to shake it.  Of course, I can choose to ignore it, I can turn my head away and refuse to listen to that quiet voice inside of my heart, to ignore its urges and its calls to arms.  But I am unable to ignore it for long.  I know that eventually, I must come back to it, to water the seed that has put out its small tendrils within the soils of my soul, that has gotten itself fixed around my heart, and I must tend to it, I must nurture it, for it is me and I am it.

You see, life is like that.  The storm may pass us by but the truth is that the next one is soon to arrive.  The peace and tranquility we find in between is our time for respite, a chance to recover our strength, an opportunity to internally digest and comprehend the lessons that our previous battle has shown to us, it is a time for contemplation, for recovery and it is a time to look to the future, to the next storm, the next battle that is coming.  For the storm will always come and when it does, you must be ready.  A heart that walks the path is a heart that can never lie dormant for long, it can never sleep.  It knows that path and it wants to keep on seeking, to keep on taking that next step.  And like it or not, you are going to go with it.  It is the way of the dreamers.  It is the way of the heart. 

We, we of the path, of the dream, of the light, of the heart.  We hear the call and we follow.  With shield and sword do we walk to the battle, to confront our enemies.  Our shield we call Faith, our sword we call Courage.  We shall never truly be defeated, for we are the walkers of light, on our one true path.  For we are the heartstrong, and always shall the light show us the way.

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The Spark of Love And The Spring of Hope

This morning, I felt inspired to write some words on the topics of love and of hope.  I took my original words and I have adapted them into poetic verse.  I hope you like them. 

The Spark  of Love

Open your heart,

Let yourself be free, 

Give yourself to the moment,

And there!

It begins.

The spark that ignites,

The tinder that burns to a flame,

That becomes passion,

That endures,

To become,

Love.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The Spring of Hope

From the spring of hope,

Shall we drink,

To fill our hearts,

With its warmth and its glow.

And once we have drunk our fill,

When we have quenched our thirst,

Only then shall we step,

Back out onto the field,

To rejoin the battle,

To wield our sword,

To raise our shield,

And to confront our mortal enemy,

As it always has been,

As it will always be,

Once more,

We fight against,

Fear.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

More of my poetry can be found in my book, Poems From The Path, available from all Amazon sites in Kindle e-book format.  Wisdom, inspiration, truth, honesty, love.

Now only $ 0.99

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A Time For Faith

Some days, I question the path.  I ask myself whether I have made the right decisions, whether taking other roads would have led me to the happiness and contentment that I seek, where I would have found lasting love and family life?  I ask myself whether I have made mistakes in the decisions that I took, and I wonder if following my heart has been the right path for me?  What if I have got this all wrong?  What if those things in which I believe are actually not right, that some how I have created an illusion in my own mind and convinced myself of the truth of it?  What if the life that I am leading is in fact, a lie, and that I have fooled myself and others into believing that this is the truth?

These are the days when my faith is tested.  I did not decide to live my life the way that I do.  I was compelled to do so, not by any person, but by my heart.  The way of the heart has been my life for as long as I can remember, only there was a time when I did not understand that my heart was the ruler of my life, and that I could not resist its calling.  Every important and life altering decision I have ever taken, has been made by my heart.  Even though I have a logical brain, I understand that some things must defy logic.  That is the beauty and the miracle of life. That is the mystery.  It was not until I read and connected with The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, that I came to understand the way in which I lived out my life.  As I read the book, every thing that was written made perfect sense and resonated within my soul.  Through the writing of Paulo, was I able to see and comprehend the way in which I lived my life, as well as coming to the understanding that I could no longer hold back what was in my heart.  It was and always will be unalterable.  It will never change.  It cannot ever change.  I am my heart and my heart is me, we are one and my heart needed to be set free.

However, there come days and moments when everything appears to be wrong. I feel a sense of loss, unhappiness and frustration.  I can no longer see where the path is leading me and I am no longer able to understand why I am leading this life, doing what I do, living where I am, being who I am.  I experience a deep rooted feeling of sadness and despair that I have not yet experienced what it means to be a husband and a father and I question whether that is ever going to happen for me.  I become unable to see any clear way forward, everything becomes dark, as if a light has gone out, the flame of my passion extinguished, and with it, my ability to continue to walk my path.

In these moments, I think negative thoughts.  I question the point in all of this.  I begin to sink, down into the dark abyss of hopelessness, of the futility of continuing on in life.  If I strive to make my life the one that I want but never achieve my ultimate dream, then why should I persevere?  Wouldn't it be better to just give it all up, to go quietly away?  After all, my parents, brother and sister and old friends back in England have gotten used to my being away, it's been so many years already that I have chosen to live my life overseas.  I would hardly be missed, I am sure.  Yes, that must be the answer.  One day, they will wonder why they have not heard from me, and perhaps they will wonder why it has been longer than usual?  But then, perhaps, they won't.  My books, my blog, my writing, my poetry will be the legacy that I leave to this world.  Little known, waiting to be discovered, like so many other budding authors, poets, artists, musicians.  Maybe then, my family will read all that I have written and finally understand who I really was?  Why I had to be away, what I believe in, what I stand for, and what so many other people are able to see - my soul?  These moments are dark, these moments are bleak.  Everything seems lost to me. 

Then there comes a moment when I gain an understanding once more.  I see the setting sun on the beach over the ocean.  I see the beautiful face of a woman, as she smiles at me and I feel a leap in my heart and know that one day, I will be a husband.  I hear the laughter of children, as they play on the sand and I know that my job is not yet done, that fatherhood is still mine to grasp.  I see horses running free in a field of green, with a newly risen morning sun cresting the hills that provide a backdrop to this scene.  I witness the wonders of the aquatic world that continues to fill me with such peace, tranquility, wonder and awe.  My soul feels replenished and my heart shakes free of the dark shackles that threatened to bind it and imprison it forever.  My heart will never be a prisoner, it yearns to be free and freedom is what I will always strive to give to it.

Faith.  Faith is what we all must have if we are to make good on the promises we made to ourselves.  Faith is what we must maintain if we are to remain true to our hearts.  Yes, the dark days will come.  Sometimes, those days will turn into weeks and even months.  But do not fear, for those days will always pass, just as long as you keep faith as your ally, just as long as you keep faith as your weapon, because faith will always defeat doubt.  It is faith that will guide you back to the path, that will reveal your dreams to you once more, that will shine the light for you, when you are no longer able to shine the light for yourself.  Without faith, then we will become lost.  Faith will always guide you back home, because faith knows that home is where your heart is.

I will never give up my fight.  I know that in order to achieve those things that I truly want in life, I have to work hard, I have to understand all of the lessons that have been shown to me, I must read the signs that are placed before my eyes and I must continue to heed the calling of my heart.  But this is not all.  I could do all of these things and still go nowhere, still remain static, in a world of unchanging scenery.  In order to move on and get closer to my dreams, I must take a step forward.  With the sword of faith at my side, I will take that step and when I do, everything will change.  The light will shine forth from my heart to show me the way, to guide me.

Sometimes life tests our resolve.  If you truly want to achieve your dreams, and if those dreams are your one true path, then you will push through the darkness and you will reach the light that awaits you on the other side.  When you do, you will become stronger, more sure of your path, and more able to deal with the challenges that lie in wait.  Nothing that we truly wish to achieve in life will ever come easily.  Do not be fooled into thinking that it will.  Keep the faith and the rewards will be yours in return.  It has always been that way and it will always continue to be that way, until the ending of time itself.

_________________________

If I Was A Star

There are moments when words begin to form in my mind.  Often, it starts with a single thought, a phrase.  This is the seed.  Without being conscious of where it came from, nor where it will go, more words come into my mind, forming themselves into coherent sentences, that begin to lend themselves to a poem.  Suddenly, I have three or four lines of a poem and it keeps on coming.  I cannot stop it.  There is no proactive thinking on my part.  My subconscious thoughts spring forth, a hand guides me from the beginning, to the middle, until the end.  Then I stop and read what I have written.  I make some minor changes, a word here, a word there.  Then it is completed and I come back to myself once more, out of the void and back in to the real world.  My goal has been reached, my creative process has stopped.  The flow of words, the truth of all things, the beating of my heart, all has been written down and revealed.

I have long viewed my writing as a gift.  When I open my creative vein, or rather, when it opens for me, because I don't have much control over when it will occur, then what comes out onto the page is so often from the deepest part of me.  My subconscious wells up and spills out on to that page in the form of letters that become words that become sentences with meaning.  It is just how it is and it is always going to be that way.  Every word comes from my heart and because it comes from my heart, every word is the absolute, unquestionable truth for me.  I have learned such a great deal about myself from my writing.  Indeed, this blog has taught me so many things and revealed long held truths that previously I could not fathom nor uncover.  Yes, my writing truly is a gift to me.

When I feel inspired to write and the words begin to form, it feels like a raging torrent that I cannot hold back.  I have to unleash it. I must give these words their wings and let them fly free.  Out on the wind they go, soaring on a current of air.

This evening, as I sat on my sofa, words began to form in my mind and so I opened myself up, and I let the words come on their own free will.  The result is the poem below.  I hope that you like it.


If I Was A Star

If I was a star,
I would shine my light down upon you,
I would watch over you from afar,
So bright my light in the heavens,
Stretching down to hold you tight,
A beacon in the void of darkness,
With such intensity would I burn,
So that each and every night,
When you looked above,
My glow would be the light you sought,
Then your eyes would touch mine,
And in that single moment,
A simple wish would we make,
Together, apart, as one, forever.

         ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If you liked this poem, then why not check out my book of poetry, Poems From The Path, which is available for download through Amazon.com.  You can read more about it on the Poems From The Path page on this site.

_________________________

The Discovery Of Self

For so long, I believed that the path to finding love was all about boy meets girl.  I thought that the way to discover love, was through meeting another person and joining our hearts together.  My life's journey has taught me to see that before this discovery of love can occur, another, more important discovery has to be made.  The discovery of self.

In my life, I tried hard to please people and one way I found of doing that, was to act in a way that pleased them.  As children, this is how we learn right from wrong, good from bad.  When we do something that is viewed as incorrect, we are admonished or punished.  When we do something that is right, we are praised and rewarded.  This encourages us to develop behaviours and thinking that makes us seek out the rewards.  It is a form of training.  We are trained to conform to the rules of society, to our family's beliefs, to a religious view, to a teacher's needs.  In this way, we develop and the characteristics of our true selves, those things that define who we actually are as a person, as slowly and surely hidden - if we find that they do not conform to that which is required of us.

I grew up with the firm belief implanted in my mind that I had to find a good job, leave home, find a partner, get married, buy a house, create a home, raise a family, and then to eventually retire.  Everything around me told me this was so, and I firmly believed it.  In order to fit in and conform, I adopted different personality traits to suit differing situations in which I found myself.  At home, at work, out socialising with friends, with extended family.  Then it might depend on whether I was with this colleague or that colleague, my boss, my parents, my brother, my sister, my friends, my uncles, my aunts, my grandparents, my cousins on my father's side, my cousins on my mother's side, my father's friends, my mother's friends. my brothers friends, my sisters friends, my girlfriend, my girlfriends friends, my girlfriends parents and so on.  Each of these people received a slightly different version of me.  Much of it was the same, but certain behaviours and personality traits were either hidden completely, muted down, or extenuated and amplified.

I knew that I did this.  I referred to myself as a chameleon, always able to adapt to a situation and the people involved in it.  I liked that I was able to do this and viewed it as a strength.  It meant that people were always comfortable with me.  That I was able to find a way to relate to everyone on some level.  I have never really thought about why I did this until now. 

So, why did I do it?  The truth is that I was not comfortable with being my true self.  I had established a dislike of my own self.  I craved love and attention and did not wish to upset anyone or to alienate them.  I was embarrassed to be me, I was afraid to be me.  I feared that the true me would not be liked, that I would be laughed at, that I would be made fun of, that I would suffer humiliation.

For years I went on trying to be someone else.  Essentially, I was living someone else's life. I was living from a script, reading lines, following cues and directions, acting for an audience.  I was not myself.  What chance did I ever have of finding love in another soul, and of expecting that other person to love me, if I did not even love myself or respect myself enough to be the real me?

Then everything began to change.  Chance, fortune, luck.  Was it these that changed my life or was it that I had reached a place and a time where my true self could no longer be held back?  I know that it is a combination of everything.  That is what life is.  It is not one single moment that defines us or alters us, it is everything that has led us to that point.  It is every joy, every happiness, every hope, every doubt, every sadness, every glory, every loss, every elation, every fear.  Whatever it was, the dam broke and I burst forth.  My heart had been released and I began to finally become myself.  I began to allow myself to be comfortable being me.

Through that subconscious decision to finally step into my own light, my whole world changed.  I began to see life not as an endless series of mind-numbing, unthinking and necessary acts that will take me from point A to point B, but rather as one miracle after another.  By becoming myself, I became life.  By becoming myself, I became the light.  And by becoming myself, I became love.  I allowed myself to make the ultimate discovery: That love is found from within.  Once that is love is discovered, then the love from without is found not in another, but rather in a reflection of your own soul and in your own love.  Love holds a mirror and in that mirror will be reflected all that you hold in your own heart.

To discover your true self, is the true path.  To know your true self, is your purpose.  To accept your true self, that take courage and it takes an act of love.  From my own personal journey, I can tell you one thing I know for sure. The moment that you accept yourself is the moment that your truly start to live and love.

_________________________

 

True Love Knows No Impediment

Today, I beheld a very clear vision and I felt the truth of all that my heart spoke to me.  Life taught me a lesson that I needed to learn and life willed me to finally see the plain and simple truth before my eyes.  For a brief moment in time, as I sat on the beach surrounded by the beauty of nature, the universe spoke to me through my heart, and it talked to me of love.

This afternoon after work, I cycled down to the beach to swim and bathe in the ocean, to sit on the sand, relax, and to read my book.  As I always do, I began to people watch, as it's a favourite pastime of mine, and I have discovered that within the actions and facial expressions of others, you can learn much about life and you are able to see your own reflection.  I looked on as a couple walking together along the beach approached and one of the photographers from the resort began to snap pictures of them.  The photographer asked them to strike various poses and to take up different positions, such as standing next to each other, laying side-by-side on the sand, kneeling in front of each other and other such stances.  I looked on and as I did, I could see that this couple were in love, there could be no denying it, it was plain to see.

Every look and every gesture that they gave each other spoke of the love that they held for each other.  It was completely obvious to any observer, it could not be failed to be seen.  Here were two people, completely at ease with each other, enjoying the company of each other, having fun together, revelling in the attention, and tied together through the bond of mutual love.  I've seen couples like this before, so why did this particular couple strike me so significantly?  These two people were separated not only by gender, but by race and by age also.

Love had found a way to flourish despite, what may have been to many others, obstacles or barriers to love.  Here, on the beach, it was easy to see how love had triumphed and had overcome any adversity that may have hindered its growth.  It was in watching these two people that I was struck so plainly by the simple truth of what I was seeing: true love can know no impediment.  If the feelings of love are genuine between two people, then there is nothing that can stop it, there is nothing that can break it, there is nothing that can defeat it.  Love is an all conquering emotion.  Love is the greatest sensation that humans can feel.  Love is the supreme state.  When it is true, nothing in this universe can destroy it.  Love transcends time and love transcends space, as it stretches out across the universe undimmed.

Before today, I have always believed in the power of love, what I saw today showed me something else.  It demonstrated to me that when love knocks on your door, there is nothing that can stand in its way.  I thought I already knew that, but today, I saw it to be the truth and I knew it from the depths of my soul.  As I type this, I have just had another thought, one that is frightening.  If true love knows no impediment, then is it possible that I have never truly been in love?  Is it possible that the love that I felt before was not true love, but a poor imitation?  Perhaps not.  I believe that my past loves were indeed love from my side, but perhaps the love from the other person was not as true as it should have been.

Today I was taught another lesson of life, another lesson on love.  I hope one day to be able to share those lessons with the soul of another, who will walk my path at my side.  Until that day, I will go on learning so that when the time comes, I am ready and I will not spurn nor waste my opportunity.  The chances of love are like the seeds blowing in the wind.  I am going to reach out my hand and see if I cannot grab one, for I only need one chance to find my true home, my true love.

________________________

What Is Written Is True

It has been a little while since I have posted on my blog site. It is not because I have been lazy or lost interest, far from it!  My efforts have been diverted towards finalising my poetry collection for self-publication, a task that is now very much near completion.  Working on my poetry has been an insightful experience.  I've learned new things about myself and rediscovered some that I had forgotten.

I've written in a previous blog about how I write from my heart.  This means that whatever I write contains a part of me nestled between each of the letters, a small part of me hiding in the blank spaces between words.  I invest myself into my work.  That has always been my way.  It is completely unavoidable for me.  Working with my collection of poems meant that it was necessary to re-read and review all of my work.  My poems date back to my time in Budapest in 2003, since this is the time when I first began to write in earnest and to keep my writing, rather than discard it as nonsense.  I started to write as part of the process to unlock my creative side, something that I had always thought did not exist.  It seems that I was wrong about that.  This was also the time when I began to understand the path that was set before me.  I was not actually walking my true path at the time, but I was beginning to comprehend that the life I was leading was counter to the one that my heart desired.  This was the time when my eyes were being opened to life.

So, I began to write poetry as part of the creative journey and not because it was ever my intention.  Poems flowed from me and I felt compelled to write down whatever words formed in my head.  The collection that I have put together spans ten years of my life, from the early days of discovering my creative talent, through the discovery of my true path, and along the journey that has led me to here and to now.  Throughout that time, I have been discovering the truth about myself.  I was able to categorise the poems into four clear topics: love, loss, life, the path.  These poems read like the story of my life and through them, I release my emotions.  What became evident when I went back and read my poems again, was that many themes recur throughout my writing.  Broadly speaking, these recurring themes fall into these topics:

 - The search for love
 - Feelings of self-loathing
 - Self-image
 - Feeling undeserving of love
 - The path
 - Oneness

My realisation has been that, by revisiting my poetry, the truth, the truth of my life, has issued forth on to the page.  I know without a shadow of a doubt the rightness of this.  When I lose myself in the process of writing, in the art of creation, I create an incredibly strong and deep connection with my heart.  In these poems that I have written, you will find my heart.  What is written, is true.  It is undeniable.

There is one thing that connects all of the themes in my poetry.  It is the same thing that drives us ever on.  Whether you know it or not, whether you are conscious of it or not, does not matter, it will exist any way.  From the moment we are born into this world, until the moment the flames of our souls are extinguished and we take a step on to a new path, it is the one thing for which we all seek.  That one thing is love.  Love is truly at the heart of everything.  To discover it, you need only look inside of yourself.  For you are love.  Do not seek love elsewhere until you have found in first from within. Once you know this, once you accept that you are love, your life will change forever.  When you understand that you are love, then you will know that you are walking your one true path.  And from that moment on, all things will be one.

_________________________

Why You Must Never Lose Sight Of Your One True Path

Why You Must Never Lose Sight of the One True Path

One thing that I have never been afraid to do, is to admit to my mistakes.  Only by admitting to the errors and missteps that we make in life, can we ever hope to learn from them and to lay them to rest.  Last year, I made a mistake.  To be honest, last year I made more than one mistake, after all I am human, so I am prone to making them.  Life would be rather dull without the odd mistake every now and again.  So, what was the mistake that I made?  It was this:-

I stepped away from my own one true path, so that I could follow my heart in the pursuit of love for another person.

The pursuit of love.  Isn't that the most glorious and noble pursuit of all?  I think so.  I've always thought so and I don't think I will ever change that opinion.  Call me romantic.  I've always believed in the power of love and I always will.  Love is in everything.  Love created the universe.  Love created life.  Love is at the very centre of all things.  So, what then was the problem with going in pursuit of love of another person and why was that a mistake?  Last year I discovered the answers and I learned some very valuable lessons in life in the process.

I fell in love with a girl that I'll call Beatrix.  Beatrix lived far way in another country and literally, in another time.  We maintained our relationship in the virtual world of e-mail and Facebook, as well as using Skype to talk with, and to see each other, almost every evening.  I think we both knew that in order to maintain the relationship over the long term, it was necessary for one of us to move and go to the other.  My lifestyle is transient.  My situation and the nature of my work allows me to travel.  Moving from place to place is in my blood.  It's what I do.  Moving has never been an issue for me.  I do it a lot.  I've always been moving from place to place all of my life, even from an early age.  Back then it was because of my parents and probably some part of the moving home and the constant changes in life that they gave to their kids, has stayed with me.  My mother always claimed that she had the Romany spirit and perhaps I inherited that from her.  The romantic in me would certainly like to believe that this is true.  Living in a new country equally is no problem for me.  I've had the fortune to have done that a few times and I've lived overseas now for ten out of the last eleven years and it is something that I enjoy.  Through living overseas, I've come to understand one simple fact: that all people on this planet have exactly the same needs and wants in life, regardless of race, colour, religious beliefs, or sociopolitical system.  Or to put it rather more simply: we are one.  So moving abroad, which is a strange term to apply here, since I already lived overseas, was not an issue for me.  It was easy to swap one country for another, since I no longer hold a particularly firm attachment to any country.  It was not the change of country that created my problem.

As soon as I first arrived in my new home, I found myself immediately caught up in the life of Beatrix.  There seemed to be an endless list of tasks that needed to be completed around her apartment.  That was not a problem for me as I like helping people, I enjoy feeling useful, and I had a lot of free time on my hands.  So, I got stuck in and found myself busy with chores of all kinds.  This set the pattern for what was to follow for the next five months.  Part way through my stay and I am unable to recall now how it came to pass, Beatrix decided that she would like to repaint her apartment and I volunteered my services.  I undertook a redecorating project of the entire apartment, carrying out minor repair work, preparing all of the walls and ceilings for painting, and then painting all of those walls and ceilings.  My time was no longer my own and I worked hard during the day because I not only wanted to help Beatrix, I also wanted to make her happy.

During the course of the summer, I was to discover that situations would arise that would require me to give my time and attention to Beatrix.  There always seemed to be something that was going wrong or there was some new crisis that needed to be resolved.  I continually helped her as best as I was able, giving my time, giving my knowledge and experience, in fact, giving everything that I could possibly give, in order to make her life better and to help her fix whatever was wrong at the time.

Between my chores, the painting project and devoting my time to the other problems that seemed to occur, my days were usually full, doing things for Beatrix.  As I became more comfortable living in the apartment and more comfortable in our lives together, I began to shop for groceries, to clean the apartment, to take care of the laundry and to cook our evening meals, so that they were ready for when Beatrix arrived after work.  I had become a house husband.

It is important to say also, that during the summer that I spent with Beatrix, there were good times.  There was fun and laughter, there were great times that we spent together and there was romance.  We enjoyed amazing days out, we went to restaurants and ate great food, and we shared new experiences together, I met her friends and her family.  We were two people in love.

The problem that I faced was that almost from the very beginning of our relationship, I had started to forget about myself.  Everything that Beatrix needed came first.  Her needs, her desires, her wants, all came before my own.  And this was not necessarily her fault.  I let it happen.  I didn't take a stand when I should have done.  I had forsaken all of my own needs and found myself consumed by the needs of another person.  Beatrix was just being herself.  I was the one who began to lose himself and although I did not realise it at the time, I began to suffer.  All the time that we lived apart, it did not seem to matter too much that I spent my evenings talking with Beatrix, listening to her problems.  I had my own job and my own life in Costa Rica.  I was doing something that I loved to do.  I was on my own path, living the dream that I had created for myself and I was in love with a beautiful girl called Beatrix.  Life was amazing and I was extremely happy.

But after I had moved into Beatrix's apartment, I had none of my old life available to me.  No longer was I doing that which gave me passion.  I was away from the ocean that I loved so much.  I was away from the work that I love to do.  Rather than living in a rural community in Costa Rica, only a couple of minutes walk from the beach, surrounded by jungle and nature, I now found myself living in the suburbs of a major city, surrounded by concrete and asphalt.  The natural world feeds my soul and it was incredibly difficult to find nourishment in the heart of this sprawling metropolis in which I now found myself.  I didn't realise this at first simply because I had been following my heart and pursuing the love that I held for Beatrix.  As far as I was concerned, following my heart meant that I was still walking my one true path.  I thought that they were one and the same thing.  They are not.

I had given up on my one true path.  I had crossed onto the path of another person and I tried to make it my own, through the love that I held for Beatrix.  It took me some time to realise this.  I was sure that through the love of another person it was possible to change your path.  I was certain that love, the greatest and most powerful of all human emotions, would enable me to do just that, and to remain happy and content on my new path.  I had not understood the strength and power of my own passions and dreams. I had completely failed to understand that it is not possible to give up on those things that give purpose and meaning to your life, without suffering a great loss.  As much as I loved Beatrix, I would never be able to sustain that love and it could never replace that which I had lost.

Why?  Because what I gave up was that which makes me the person who I am.  I gave up those things that are the very essence of me.  They are part of the fabric of my being and an integral part of my soul.  Without them, I simply cease to be me.  I become a different person.  I become less than the person that I am when I am walking on my one true path.  I change.  I know that I do.  Even if I do not want that to happen, it is not possible to prevent it, no more than it would be possible to take the colour indigo out of a rainbow and still call it a rainbow.  It would still be a beautiful thing to behold, but it would be less than it was.  Less than perfect.  The happiness that I feel when I walk my one true path in life comes from deep within me, and it permeates throughout everything that I do.  Away from my path, I do not find that same sense of deep happiness and contentment.

What I learned last year was that in order to find love in another person, it is necessary never to give up on your own one true path.  It is necessary to hold on to those things that make you the person who you are, and it is necessary to hold on to them at all costs.  Nothing is worth sacrificing your own path for, not even the love of another.  I never thought that was true, but now I know the truth of it because I lived and breathed that lesson.  The path to true and lasting love with another person lies not on the path of another, it can only be found along your own path.  Only when the two paths of the lovers meet and coincide with each other, can there be a lasting love.  The love that is found must flow back and forth between each of the two people, crossing the divide that separates each of their paths.  Never give up your own dreams for the love of another person.  The right person will appear on your path when the time is right.  And that person will have been worth the wait and worth the walk.  Love does conquer all, but if you give up on your own dreams, you give up on the love of self.  And that can never be a true and lasting love since it is no longer a complete love.  It becomes less than perfect.

I learned my lesson the hard way.  I fell in love with a beautiful girl whose name was Beatrix and I lost that love.  I lost sight of my one true path and I lost sight of who I am.  But along the way, I gained knowledge, I gained insight and I gained enlightenment.  I enjoyed the knowledge that I was in love with another soul and that soul returned my love.  And for that, I will always be truly grateful.  Thank you Beatrix.

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