The Unforeseen Rewards Of The Path

Georgia was not normal.  That much was very evident.  Her manner of speech, her demeanour, her physical shape, the way her face looked, everything shouted at me that something was wrong, but whatever it was, I just could not put my finger on it.  Here we were, on the boat, heading out to a dive site, so that Georgia could make her very first dive in the ocean.  To say that I was concerned would be an understatement.  I feared that something was going to go wrong, that she would cause me no end of problems, that would have the potential to place her own life, and mine, in danger.  If I was honest with myself, I'd rather not have been there, I'd rather she had decided she didn't want to dive, I even considered faking an ailment so another instructor would have to take her.  But she did and I didn't, and so there we both were, each of us nervous in our own way.

The previous day, Mike, her father, had come and asked me if his seventeen year old daughter could try scuba in the hotel swimming pool.  Every guest is offered the chance to try scuba try for free, and so I said of course she could.  That was before I knew who Georgia was.  When I was introduced to her, I could see straightaway that it was going to be problematic.  Her size and shape were awkward to say the least, she was not tall, around five feet, and she was very overweight.  At the front of the buoyancy vests we use for scuba diving, is a large Velcro cummerbund and even on the largest vest that we had, it would barely fit around her.  But it was not her physical appearance that caused me most concern though, it was the way and the manner in which she spoke.  She was quiet and apologetic in the extreme, as if everything were her fault, or she was the cause of all of the problems.  Even when the Velcro of the cummerbund attached itself to her swimming costume, she apologised as if somehow, she had caused the problem.  My immediate reaction was that she was suffering from some kind of mental illness, that she was perhaps retarded in some way.  As I worked with her, talking her through how the scuba unit worked and what I needed her to do, I could see that she was intelligent and I also began to see something else.  I started to see that Georgia was possessed of an extremely endearing quality, she had an incredibly soft and sensitive nature.

With my help, Georgia managed to breathe her first breaths under the pool water and afterwards, as I removed her equipment, Mike asked if they would be able to go diving with me the next day, on an experience resort dive (PADI Discover Scuba Diving).  My instinct was to say no, it could not be done, but I had no actual reason for denying them the opportunity, so I asked Mike quietly whether Georgia was mentally sound and I asked him to complete the necessary medical questionnaires before proceeding any further, as I was sure there would be some issues which would prevent them from going.  There were none.

The next morning, I met up with them both again and took them through some basic instruction at the pool, to ensure their comfort, safety and enjoyment in the ocean.  Georgia experienced some issues with a couple of the skills and every time she did, she would stand up and apologise profusely to me. I don't know what it was, but I started to like her very much, I saw through the exterior to her soul inside.  We worked everything through, until I was satisfied with both of their performances.  After we were finished in the pool, Mike explained that Georgia was extremely sensitive and that sudden, loud noises could potentially set off a panicked reaction.  At the time, I thought it was just her general mental state of mind and it added to my nervousness for the afternoon.  I really was not looking forward to the diving.  Under the water, if someone suffers a panic, it can be dangerous and potentially life threatening.  I thought it through and again, I could find no actual reason not to dive, I just needed to take a lot of precautions and a lot of time with them. 

Mike introduced me to his wife and Georgia's stepmother, Samantha.  She thanked me for taking the time to take Mike and Georgia out diving, and then she said, "You are just the right person for Georgia.  You're extremely patient, kind, caring and very sensitive towards her needs.  I'm pleased it's you that is taking them out.  Please bring them back safely to me."  I was extremely humbled by these kind words and they sank into my heart and there, they made a warm glow.

And then, there we were, on the boat, approaching our first dive site.  Full of trepidation and concern, I found myself in the water with Georgia and Mike, ready to begin our descent.  I expected the worst, that Georgia would panic, that there would be some issue.  She gave me none.  Instead, the problem came from Mike, who panicked and forgot the training I had given him during the morning.  Thankfully, I had ensured that the first dive was very shallow, so that if anything were to go wrong, I could minimise any risk of danger.  Back at the surface, I asked Mike if he wanted to return to the boat and sit out the first dive, to take a breather and get himself together, and he agreed.  I descended again with Georgia.

Georgia was no problem at all.  Instead, she gave me perhaps one of my most memorable times under the water with a new diver.  It didn't matter what Georgia saw, whether it was a fish, a sea star, a sponge, or a clam, each time she squealed in delight and pleasure.  When I found her a small stingray that had buried itself under the sand, she pointed excitedly at it and squealed.  As the ray lifted from the sand and glided away from us, I heard her gasp in awe.  Here was someone utterly taken over by her experience, lost in her own delight and wonder, here was someone who reminded me of my own first time on scuba.

Mike decided that he wanted to overcome his panic and fear and to make the second dive.  The three of us descended together and I decided I would take complete control of them both.  I spent my entire dive, holding Georgia's tank in my left hand and Mike's in my right, with me, in the between and just slightly above them.  I was not able to point out any interesting aquatic life forms form them, but that didn't really matter.  They were both happy to be down there and to be together.  As I swam with them, I watched as they held hands and shared this experience, father and daughter.  Then, I saw one of the most beautiful sights, as Georgia formed her hands into the shape of a heart for her father, and Mike did the same back to his daughter.

Back on the boat after the dive, something happened.  Georgia began to cry and Mike put his arm around her and cuddled her.  "Is she okay?", I enquired, feeling very concerned that something had gone wrong, that she had perhaps hurt her ears by not equalising the pressure correctly, or she had been stung by some form of aquatic life.  I was not prepared for Mike's reply.  "Today is the eighth anniversary of her mother's death."  He said it calmly, and it took me a second or two to comprehend what he had said.  Not only was that Georgia's mother, it had also been Mike's wife.  I sat there completely stunned.

Suddenly, things began to make sense.  Georgia's sensitive nature, her constant apologies, her quietness, her anxiety of sudden loud noises, and those words that Samantha had spoken.  All of it came together and as it did, so too did the realisation of what it all meant.  I could of course, not ask a question to Mike about it, I can only guess and surmise, and I'll never be completely sure, but in my heart, I'm feel that I have the right answer.  Georgia was nine years old when she lost her mother in some form of accident.  My guess is that Georgia was there too and in some way, she holds herself responsible for it.

I am not going to end this post on a sad note because there is something very good in all of this.  What I realised yesterday, was that because of my care, sensitivity, empathy and patience, I introduced a young girl to a new experience, an experience that thrilled her and gave her such an incredible memory.  Her father and step mother told me that she will talk about the experience for years to come, and I do not doubt that for one moment.  For a father and a daughter, I helped them share an experience that will bond them together.  But more than any of this, yesterday, because of my patience, my kindness and my empathy, I helped two people to begin to replace a terrible, tragic memory, with something good.  I helped them to have a special, positive remembrance of that fateful day, that took away the life of the woman that they both loved.  Perhaps it is not much, but perhaps it is the first ray of light, on a very dark day.

These are the rewards of the path.  Because I dared to take a chance and to alter my life, I was there when I was needed.  I made the difference.  The universe rewards those that dare to follow the voice of their heart, and it does it in ways that you could never possibly begin to imagine, that you can never begin to comprehend.  Those rewards await you too, they are always there, waiting for you on your one true path.

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A Time For Faith

Some days, I question the path.  I ask myself whether I have made the right decisions, whether taking other roads would have led me to the happiness and contentment that I seek, where I would have found lasting love and family life?  I ask myself whether I have made mistakes in the decisions that I took, and I wonder if following my heart has been the right path for me?  What if I have got this all wrong?  What if those things in which I believe are actually not right, that some how I have created an illusion in my own mind and convinced myself of the truth of it?  What if the life that I am leading is in fact, a lie, and that I have fooled myself and others into believing that this is the truth?

These are the days when my faith is tested.  I did not decide to live my life the way that I do.  I was compelled to do so, not by any person, but by my heart.  The way of the heart has been my life for as long as I can remember, only there was a time when I did not understand that my heart was the ruler of my life, and that I could not resist its calling.  Every important and life altering decision I have ever taken, has been made by my heart.  Even though I have a logical brain, I understand that some things must defy logic.  That is the beauty and the miracle of life. That is the mystery.  It was not until I read and connected with The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, that I came to understand the way in which I lived out my life.  As I read the book, every thing that was written made perfect sense and resonated within my soul.  Through the writing of Paulo, was I able to see and comprehend the way in which I lived my life, as well as coming to the understanding that I could no longer hold back what was in my heart.  It was and always will be unalterable.  It will never change.  It cannot ever change.  I am my heart and my heart is me, we are one and my heart needed to be set free.

However, there come days and moments when everything appears to be wrong. I feel a sense of loss, unhappiness and frustration.  I can no longer see where the path is leading me and I am no longer able to understand why I am leading this life, doing what I do, living where I am, being who I am.  I experience a deep rooted feeling of sadness and despair that I have not yet experienced what it means to be a husband and a father and I question whether that is ever going to happen for me.  I become unable to see any clear way forward, everything becomes dark, as if a light has gone out, the flame of my passion extinguished, and with it, my ability to continue to walk my path.

In these moments, I think negative thoughts.  I question the point in all of this.  I begin to sink, down into the dark abyss of hopelessness, of the futility of continuing on in life.  If I strive to make my life the one that I want but never achieve my ultimate dream, then why should I persevere?  Wouldn't it be better to just give it all up, to go quietly away?  After all, my parents, brother and sister and old friends back in England have gotten used to my being away, it's been so many years already that I have chosen to live my life overseas.  I would hardly be missed, I am sure.  Yes, that must be the answer.  One day, they will wonder why they have not heard from me, and perhaps they will wonder why it has been longer than usual?  But then, perhaps, they won't.  My books, my blog, my writing, my poetry will be the legacy that I leave to this world.  Little known, waiting to be discovered, like so many other budding authors, poets, artists, musicians.  Maybe then, my family will read all that I have written and finally understand who I really was?  Why I had to be away, what I believe in, what I stand for, and what so many other people are able to see - my soul?  These moments are dark, these moments are bleak.  Everything seems lost to me. 

Then there comes a moment when I gain an understanding once more.  I see the setting sun on the beach over the ocean.  I see the beautiful face of a woman, as she smiles at me and I feel a leap in my heart and know that one day, I will be a husband.  I hear the laughter of children, as they play on the sand and I know that my job is not yet done, that fatherhood is still mine to grasp.  I see horses running free in a field of green, with a newly risen morning sun cresting the hills that provide a backdrop to this scene.  I witness the wonders of the aquatic world that continues to fill me with such peace, tranquility, wonder and awe.  My soul feels replenished and my heart shakes free of the dark shackles that threatened to bind it and imprison it forever.  My heart will never be a prisoner, it yearns to be free and freedom is what I will always strive to give to it.

Faith.  Faith is what we all must have if we are to make good on the promises we made to ourselves.  Faith is what we must maintain if we are to remain true to our hearts.  Yes, the dark days will come.  Sometimes, those days will turn into weeks and even months.  But do not fear, for those days will always pass, just as long as you keep faith as your ally, just as long as you keep faith as your weapon, because faith will always defeat doubt.  It is faith that will guide you back to the path, that will reveal your dreams to you once more, that will shine the light for you, when you are no longer able to shine the light for yourself.  Without faith, then we will become lost.  Faith will always guide you back home, because faith knows that home is where your heart is.

I will never give up my fight.  I know that in order to achieve those things that I truly want in life, I have to work hard, I have to understand all of the lessons that have been shown to me, I must read the signs that are placed before my eyes and I must continue to heed the calling of my heart.  But this is not all.  I could do all of these things and still go nowhere, still remain static, in a world of unchanging scenery.  In order to move on and get closer to my dreams, I must take a step forward.  With the sword of faith at my side, I will take that step and when I do, everything will change.  The light will shine forth from my heart to show me the way, to guide me.

Sometimes life tests our resolve.  If you truly want to achieve your dreams, and if those dreams are your one true path, then you will push through the darkness and you will reach the light that awaits you on the other side.  When you do, you will become stronger, more sure of your path, and more able to deal with the challenges that lie in wait.  Nothing that we truly wish to achieve in life will ever come easily.  Do not be fooled into thinking that it will.  Keep the faith and the rewards will be yours in return.  It has always been that way and it will always continue to be that way, until the ending of time itself.

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Whales, Morays And The Rewards Of The Path

There will come many days on the path when the rewards of your endeavours leave you breathless.  These are the rewards for pushing through the doubt and the fears, these are the rewards for persevering where others have turned away from finding their own truth, these are the days that tell you that what you are doing, that the path on which you walk, is absolutely the right one for you.  Yesterday, was one such day.

I'll be honest, the previous few days I had been feeling a little low.  I had been mulling over my life, pondering the question of why I look for love in all the wrong places and why that part of my life is so unsuccessful.  I would never say I was in a bad place.  I could not say it was a state of despondency or a depression.  No, it was really just a fleeting feeling that came to me one morning and hung around, clouding my thinking, making me focus on this one part of my life with which I have always struggled.  But what is that one part that is a struggled when compared to the rest?

I had been speaking with Terry and his son Ari at the hotel over the last few days and in talking, we moved on, as is inevitable, to scuba diving.  Terry explained how he had not dived for almost thirty years, and, as he was now sixty nine years old, firmly believed that his scuba diving days were long gone.  I offered him the chance to try scuba in the swimming pool and to see how he felt getting back into the water.  To see this man's smile, splitting his heavily bearded face from ear to ear, was reward enough.  Terry decided he would try diving in the ocean again  Ari, had been involved in a serious snowboarding accident some year back that had almost cost him his life.  His head was fitted  titanium plates and screws that were holding it together and his legs the same.  Ari had not dived since the accident but he was now surfing again and enjoying a normal life.  We decided we would all make a dive together, just a shallow, cautious one, to see how things went.

Yesterday was the day of the dive.  Terry is one of those people who is always happy and laughing and full of life.  He is a joy to be around and is in possession of one of those infectious grins.  You just cannot help yourself but laugh around the man.  Despite not having dived for so long, he was no different on our way out to the dive site.  I had thought that perhaps he would become nervous and show some signs of anxiety, but I could detect none.

On our arrival at the dive site, there, waiting for us at the surface were two pairs of humpback whales.  I've seen whales before here but I had never seen them this close in to the dive sites.  One pair were almost right up against the rock, just a few metres away.  It is an incredible feeling to be so close to some of natures largest ever creatures, to see them basking at the surface, arching their backs, spouting huge plumes of water vapour into the air, putting up their flukes and diving.  Everyone on the boat looked on, enjoying this free spectacle of nature, knowing that what they were seeing and witnessing was something very special indeed.  Eventually, the whales moved off and we made our dives.

Despite the tough conditions of poor visibility and current, Terry never lost his grin and the enjoyment on his face after we surfaced was easily evident. It was clear that Terry had rolled back the years and shaken off all the rust.  As I recall the morning, I can recall certain moments when I could hear Terry laughing under the water.  An amazing man and an inspiration, and for me, the reward for a little perseverance and for taking the time to speak and engage with him.

I saw one other thing during the second dive I have never observed previously.  At Dirty Rock (so called because it is a cleaning station for many different species of marine life) a green moray eel was laying with its mouth stretched as wide open as it could possibly go.  It is usual to see a moray with its mouth open, because the eels use the opening and closing of their mouths to pump water through their gills.  But this moray looked more similar to a cobra that had opened its jaws to take its prey whole.  I was able to look straight into this open mouthed eel and I could not figure out why it was not closing its mouth, until I noticed the two small cleaner fish at the back of its throat.  What this open mouth moray afforded me, was a perfect view all the way inside of its mouth and into its throat, showing me the bones that lined the roof of its mouth, reminding me of the flying buttresses of a cathedral.  I knew that this was perhaps a once in a lifetime experience and that I might never have the opportunity to see a moray in such a way as this ever again.

Yesterday, I was once more reminded of the rewards that come from following your true path.  Not all rewards are the same for every person, but in nature, immersed and surrounded by life, that is where I find mine.  Helping a person to overcome a difficulty and to achieve a personal goal has always been something I have enjoyed.  I see it as an act of kindness and of love.  It is giving something back to the universe.  That is my own nature, I will always do that on instinct, I cannot help but do it.  Sometimes we may question the path and ask what is the purpose, or why does such a thing happen or not happen?  The answer to those questions is simple: everything happens when the time is right and when you are right.  Sometimes, the time is the right time, but there remains a lesson that you need to learn.  Other times, you are ready, but the time is not right.  When it comes together, those are the moments of miracles, when life rewards you for your efforts.  I still have a challenge in my life.  That challenge is to find the special someone who will be my companion on the path.  Perhaps the time is still not right.  Perhaps I am still not ready.  But I do know, that in the meantime, I am being rewarded richly for walking my true path, and for that, I will always be grateful to the universe, to the force that governs all life: nature.  Everything is love and if you know how to look, you will always find it.  And you will see it not with your eyes, but through your heart.

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