Eight Years And Still Going Strong

It is the beginning of October 2005.  I do not yet know it, but my life is about to change forever.  There is an idea in my head, there is an opportunity to do something completely different in my life.  Perhaps it is a fools opportunity, but it remains an opportunity nonetheless.  In one hand, I have everything that I wanted: great job and career, business travel, nice apartment, sports car, platinum cards, no debts.  I did not come by this easily, I had to work extremely hard to achieve it, to have a little luck on my side, and to strive forward purposefully.  And now, I sit in that same apartment, staring out across the city, crushed under a leaden sky, to the cathedral spire that rises so majestically to the heavens, and I contemplate leaving it all behind, throwing it all away on some whimsical chance of adventure, to go backpacking to South East Asia.  Was I out of my mind?  Eight years later, I know the answer.

Why would anyone in their right mind even contemplate doing such a thing?  The answer to that question is that I believe they would not.  You see, decisions such as this are not made in the head by someone who is thinking rationally and logically.  A decision like this is made in the heart, and as such, it defies logic, since it was made with love.  I turned my back and walked away from a life that offered me financial security and stability, that offered me a pension plan, the chance of early retirement, healthcare, paid vacations, and other benefits.  I held in my hand the kind of life to which we are taught to aspire towards by our parents, our teachers, and our governments, that we are sold on a daily basis by advertisers and the media, the life that society as a whole, has decided is the right kind of life, the successful kind of life.  My problem, if that's what it is was, was that my heart held a very different view of what it deemed to be a success in life. 

I think this is a very important point.  Not everyone shares the same dream and that is a good thing.  Some people are born to be doctors, nurses, teachers, farmers, priests and many other occupations besides.  You know these people because they are the ones who exude passion for what it is they do.  I was not born to sit behind a computer, to stare at spreadsheets, no matter how important the decisions my interpretations of the data might be.  I had no passion for what it was that I did.  I just happened to be good at it and to thrive on the sense of importance and belonging that it gave to me.  These were nothing more than false idols and in my heart, I knew it.  I always had.  I didn't want to sit and discuss business at the restaurant, on the plane, in the airport lounge, on a Sunday evening teleconference.  I wanted to be away, to be free, to shake off the costume and the facade I wore and to be my true self again.  The further my career progressed, the more invested I was, the harder that became.  I saw my colleagues and I regarded them almost in an out of body way, as if I was not really there, I was looking on remotely.  These were, on the outside at least, different creatures to me.  Perhaps I was the wolf in sheep's clothing and they were the genuine article.  Perhaps, now that I think about it, they were exactly the same as I was, they too wore their masks, recited well rehearsed lines, and acted out their own part of the play.  Maybe they saw me in the exact same way that I saw them? I never thought about it in that way before.  But I saw them as company men and company women and I was not one of them.  I was different, I knew that I would break away from it, I felt it within me, had known it for so long, for too long, and I simply waited for the right moment, the right opportunity.  Whilst I waited, I positioned my life in such a way that when the opportunity came, I would have no reason to say no.

In the late summer of 2005, that opportunity arrived.  As the words were voiced to me one evening down at the pub, over a pint of the black stuff, I knew the answer without a moment of hesitation or doubt.  Here was the chance to make a change, to have an adventure, the likes of which I had only dreamed.  A few weeks later, under pressure to make a business trip to Chicago, to attend an important client meeting, I found myself talking with my boss on the telephone and I heard myself resign from my job.  What had I done?  I knew that even though I had resigned and was working out my notice period, I could get back in again.  I knew I was well respected and liked, that all I had to say was that I had made a mistake, and everything would go back to how it was before.  But I never did.  Even after I left, during the period I was selling all of my material possessions in readiness for my adventure, I still felt sure they would take me back, it was still not too late.  I could cancel the ticket, call up my old boss, say sorry, negotiate my way back in.  The thought did occur to me, it was just not as strong a pull as the pull of adventure.  I was finally out, standing on the verge of something new, something terrifying and I was about to find out whether my dream was just a fool's wandering mind and nothing more.

I gave up everything I had known, I took away all the securities of family, home, comfort, income, and known routine and forced myself into a life unknown.  I had a round the world plane ticket that would take me from London to Bangkok, to Sydney, to Auckland and then back to London.  I had a place to stay in Bangkok for my first few nights, with a friend of my sister.  Other than that, I had no plan, no idea where I was going to go, no idea what I was really doing.  In many ways, this is exactly what I wanted.  I didn't want to know.  Not because I was afraid of it but rather because I wanted to live on the edge, to go from place to place and have my first priorities those of food, water and shelter.  I wanted to get back to the basic needs of humanity, to throw off everything else, and to see what exactly there was inside of me when I exposed myself completely to life.  And so I did.

My adventure would unfold in a random, rather haphazard fashion, until at some point in time a few months later, my heart found the very thing for which it had always sought: a paradise island of white sand and palms, a turquoise ocean that lapped at its shores, wooden huts on stilts close to the waters edge.  A picture postcard version of my heaven.  I discovered like minded people, I found myself with fellow wanders and adventurers.  And in this heaven, I discovered the thing that would change my life again, I discovered scuba diving.  But more than this, I found a place where I could be completely and utterly free, where I was able to be my true self, to indulge myself in my fantasies, to get up close to nature and to witness her miracles, a place where I discovered the meaning of life.  That place was under the ocean.

In scuba diving, I found my passion.  I discovered something that no one had ever talked to me of doing before.  Had someone recognised my love of the ocean, of being in the ocean, of playing around down at the beach, then perhaps they might have suggested it to me, but being from England, and despite living at the seaside, scuba was not something I knew, other than on some old Jacques Cousteau documentary.  I had to take a chance on life in order to make this discovery.  If I had not, perhaps I would still be looking for my thing, perhaps I would now be sitting in an office, spreadsheet in front of me, jiggling numbers, and not writing a blog post from my bed in Costa Rica, with the sound of early morning calls from the birds as company.

Now here I am, eight years later and I am still going strong.  Eight years of dreams and adventures.  I returned back to England after Asia and four months later, I was sitting in a lecture theatre on campus at Victoria University of Wellington, New Zealand, for my first ever lecture.  I graduated three years later with a bachelors degree in Information Systems and an A grade average across all eighteen papers that I sat.  On another whim, I travelled to South Africa, where I rekindled my love of scuba diving and there, made the decision to become an instructor.  A decision that brought me across the Atlantic, to the Caribbean and to Central America.  In the process of all that has happened, I made perhaps the biggest discovery of them all: I found my true self, and I came to an understanding of my life, of who I am.  I still do not know what the future holds in store for me, no one can ever truly know that answer, and I do not wish to know, since that is the mystery and adventure of life. 

So, eight years later, was I out of my mind?  The answer to that question is an unequivocal yes.  Completely and utterly.  You see, I had to be out of my mind so that I could accomplish all that was required.  I used to be described as being headstrong and stubborn, but that was never the truth.  The truth of my life is that I am heartstrong and for me, that is what has made all of the difference, that is what has allowed me to go on this voyage of discovery.  Of course I was out of my mind, there can be no doubt of that, because I was in another place entirely.  I was in my heart. And there I shall remain.

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The Unforeseen Rewards Of The Path

Georgia was not normal.  That much was very evident.  Her manner of speech, her demeanour, her physical shape, the way her face looked, everything shouted at me that something was wrong, but whatever it was, I just could not put my finger on it.  Here we were, on the boat, heading out to a dive site, so that Georgia could make her very first dive in the ocean.  To say that I was concerned would be an understatement.  I feared that something was going to go wrong, that she would cause me no end of problems, that would have the potential to place her own life, and mine, in danger.  If I was honest with myself, I'd rather not have been there, I'd rather she had decided she didn't want to dive, I even considered faking an ailment so another instructor would have to take her.  But she did and I didn't, and so there we both were, each of us nervous in our own way.

The previous day, Mike, her father, had come and asked me if his seventeen year old daughter could try scuba in the hotel swimming pool.  Every guest is offered the chance to try scuba try for free, and so I said of course she could.  That was before I knew who Georgia was.  When I was introduced to her, I could see straightaway that it was going to be problematic.  Her size and shape were awkward to say the least, she was not tall, around five feet, and she was very overweight.  At the front of the buoyancy vests we use for scuba diving, is a large Velcro cummerbund and even on the largest vest that we had, it would barely fit around her.  But it was not her physical appearance that caused me most concern though, it was the way and the manner in which she spoke.  She was quiet and apologetic in the extreme, as if everything were her fault, or she was the cause of all of the problems.  Even when the Velcro of the cummerbund attached itself to her swimming costume, she apologised as if somehow, she had caused the problem.  My immediate reaction was that she was suffering from some kind of mental illness, that she was perhaps retarded in some way.  As I worked with her, talking her through how the scuba unit worked and what I needed her to do, I could see that she was intelligent and I also began to see something else.  I started to see that Georgia was possessed of an extremely endearing quality, she had an incredibly soft and sensitive nature.

With my help, Georgia managed to breathe her first breaths under the pool water and afterwards, as I removed her equipment, Mike asked if they would be able to go diving with me the next day, on an experience resort dive (PADI Discover Scuba Diving).  My instinct was to say no, it could not be done, but I had no actual reason for denying them the opportunity, so I asked Mike quietly whether Georgia was mentally sound and I asked him to complete the necessary medical questionnaires before proceeding any further, as I was sure there would be some issues which would prevent them from going.  There were none.

The next morning, I met up with them both again and took them through some basic instruction at the pool, to ensure their comfort, safety and enjoyment in the ocean.  Georgia experienced some issues with a couple of the skills and every time she did, she would stand up and apologise profusely to me. I don't know what it was, but I started to like her very much, I saw through the exterior to her soul inside.  We worked everything through, until I was satisfied with both of their performances.  After we were finished in the pool, Mike explained that Georgia was extremely sensitive and that sudden, loud noises could potentially set off a panicked reaction.  At the time, I thought it was just her general mental state of mind and it added to my nervousness for the afternoon.  I really was not looking forward to the diving.  Under the water, if someone suffers a panic, it can be dangerous and potentially life threatening.  I thought it through and again, I could find no actual reason not to dive, I just needed to take a lot of precautions and a lot of time with them. 

Mike introduced me to his wife and Georgia's stepmother, Samantha.  She thanked me for taking the time to take Mike and Georgia out diving, and then she said, "You are just the right person for Georgia.  You're extremely patient, kind, caring and very sensitive towards her needs.  I'm pleased it's you that is taking them out.  Please bring them back safely to me."  I was extremely humbled by these kind words and they sank into my heart and there, they made a warm glow.

And then, there we were, on the boat, approaching our first dive site.  Full of trepidation and concern, I found myself in the water with Georgia and Mike, ready to begin our descent.  I expected the worst, that Georgia would panic, that there would be some issue.  She gave me none.  Instead, the problem came from Mike, who panicked and forgot the training I had given him during the morning.  Thankfully, I had ensured that the first dive was very shallow, so that if anything were to go wrong, I could minimise any risk of danger.  Back at the surface, I asked Mike if he wanted to return to the boat and sit out the first dive, to take a breather and get himself together, and he agreed.  I descended again with Georgia.

Georgia was no problem at all.  Instead, she gave me perhaps one of my most memorable times under the water with a new diver.  It didn't matter what Georgia saw, whether it was a fish, a sea star, a sponge, or a clam, each time she squealed in delight and pleasure.  When I found her a small stingray that had buried itself under the sand, she pointed excitedly at it and squealed.  As the ray lifted from the sand and glided away from us, I heard her gasp in awe.  Here was someone utterly taken over by her experience, lost in her own delight and wonder, here was someone who reminded me of my own first time on scuba.

Mike decided that he wanted to overcome his panic and fear and to make the second dive.  The three of us descended together and I decided I would take complete control of them both.  I spent my entire dive, holding Georgia's tank in my left hand and Mike's in my right, with me, in the between and just slightly above them.  I was not able to point out any interesting aquatic life forms form them, but that didn't really matter.  They were both happy to be down there and to be together.  As I swam with them, I watched as they held hands and shared this experience, father and daughter.  Then, I saw one of the most beautiful sights, as Georgia formed her hands into the shape of a heart for her father, and Mike did the same back to his daughter.

Back on the boat after the dive, something happened.  Georgia began to cry and Mike put his arm around her and cuddled her.  "Is she okay?", I enquired, feeling very concerned that something had gone wrong, that she had perhaps hurt her ears by not equalising the pressure correctly, or she had been stung by some form of aquatic life.  I was not prepared for Mike's reply.  "Today is the eighth anniversary of her mother's death."  He said it calmly, and it took me a second or two to comprehend what he had said.  Not only was that Georgia's mother, it had also been Mike's wife.  I sat there completely stunned.

Suddenly, things began to make sense.  Georgia's sensitive nature, her constant apologies, her quietness, her anxiety of sudden loud noises, and those words that Samantha had spoken.  All of it came together and as it did, so too did the realisation of what it all meant.  I could of course, not ask a question to Mike about it, I can only guess and surmise, and I'll never be completely sure, but in my heart, I'm feel that I have the right answer.  Georgia was nine years old when she lost her mother in some form of accident.  My guess is that Georgia was there too and in some way, she holds herself responsible for it.

I am not going to end this post on a sad note because there is something very good in all of this.  What I realised yesterday, was that because of my care, sensitivity, empathy and patience, I introduced a young girl to a new experience, an experience that thrilled her and gave her such an incredible memory.  Her father and step mother told me that she will talk about the experience for years to come, and I do not doubt that for one moment.  For a father and a daughter, I helped them share an experience that will bond them together.  But more than any of this, yesterday, because of my patience, my kindness and my empathy, I helped two people to begin to replace a terrible, tragic memory, with something good.  I helped them to have a special, positive remembrance of that fateful day, that took away the life of the woman that they both loved.  Perhaps it is not much, but perhaps it is the first ray of light, on a very dark day.

These are the rewards of the path.  Because I dared to take a chance and to alter my life, I was there when I was needed.  I made the difference.  The universe rewards those that dare to follow the voice of their heart, and it does it in ways that you could never possibly begin to imagine, that you can never begin to comprehend.  Those rewards await you too, they are always there, waiting for you on your one true path.

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Why Tomorrow Just Might Be Too Late

This afternoon I spent approximately thirty five minutes of my life, just hanging on a buoy line with one of my Discover Scuba Diving participants.  Terry had open heart surgery three years ago and is the proud owner of a huge scar that runs down the middle of his chest.  He had a quadruple by-pass at the age of forty three.  He almost died.  As a result of this, he was, and quite understandably so, a little apprehensive about the diving in the ocean.   Terry's partner, Barbara, had taken steps to ensure that Terry was given a medical all clear and signed off by his doctor, before they came to Costa Rica.  Barbara, being an experienced diver, was keen for Terry to try out diving and to experience one of her favourite pastimes.

And so, in the afternoon, after a successful session in the hotel swimming pool, I found myself hanging on the buoy line in the afternoon, as Terry attempted to overcome his anxiety.  We floated at the surface, we chatted, I worked hard to keep his mind occupied so that he would relax and not be overly focused on the water and what was going on.  We descended one foot below the surface of the water and Terry stayed there to breath, but no, it did not feel right for him, so we came back up to the surface.  We tried again.  This time we managed three feet and again, Terry needed to come back up.  Up and down the line we went, making just a little bit of progress each time until we hit our maximum of six feet.  How many aborted attempts did we have?  I lost count.  It did not matter.  Eventually, Terry called it off and decided it was enough for him.

Throughout this time, I had a pretty good idea that after the initial two failed attempts, Terry would not make it.  I could not give up on him though because I knew he wanted to make it, I could see how hard he was trying, how much effort it was costing him.  I've known other instructors who would have had the student out of the water and given up on them after a couple of failed attempts, but I'm not like that.  If I have the opportunity and the time (it is not always one on one tuition and therefore not always possible to give so much time and attention) to work with someone to overcome their difficulties and to succeed, well, by crikey I'll take it.  I know how much I would appreciate someone taking the time with me, if I had a problem I needed to overcome, and all I want to do is to give to that person the same treatment that I would wish to receive.  I don't like giving up on people.  It's one of my characteristics.

This guy had been through hell and come out of it alive.  He had seen death come stalking for him, felt the icy chill as death breathed close to him, and he had escaped death's clutches.  This experience had given Terry a new lease on life, it had opened his eyes to what constituted real living.  For all of his life, his eyes had been blinkered and then, at the age of forty three, they were rather unceremoniously opened.  He was forced to question his life values and in doing so, he changed them.  Terry is lucky.  He survived his operation and has been given a new lease of life, a second chance.  Many of us do not get that.

This is why I say that tomorrow just might be too late.  You never know.  The path leads us where it will.  What lies up ahead is always going to be shrouded in an impenetrable darkness.  It is not for us to try to figure out what lies there, those answers will be revealed when the time is right, when we are ready to receive them.  Until then, it is only necessary to make the most of what you have, or where you are and in what you are doing.  If that does not give you pleasure, if those things are not your heart's desire, then it is time to make a change.  Never live a life of regret.  Regret is wasted energy.  Regret is a useless thought. As Yoda said, you must do or do not.  In other words, if you can make amends for your regret then do it, make the change, fix the problem.  But if you cannot alter what is past, then let it go and move on.  Forgive yourself for the error that you made and tell yourself that next time, I will not make the same mistake.  For believe me, the same situation will come again.

If you were to be told that you have one minute of your life remaining, are you going to look back upon your life and wonder what might have been?  Or are you going to say to yourself, well that was amazing?  Do not wait for life to come to you because it will not.  You must seek life and in doing so, you will find your true self, you will experience miracles, you will unearth the truth, you will unlock the light, and you will discover love.  You will walk your one true path and that is the path of light and love.  That is the path of truth.

Carpe diem.

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Life On The One True Path

When you're doing something that you truly enjoy, something that gives you passion for life, it is impossible to stop smiling. This is because your heart, soul, body and mind are all in unison and they have truly become one thing only. And that one thing is love.

This is exactly what will happen to you when you walk your one true path.  There are going to be many moments when you find yourself smiling, laughing, skipping, dancing or singing for no other reasons than simply because you can, and simply because you feel like it.  There will be moments when you feel such an up-welling of positive life energy, that people will look at you as if you are mad, and perhaps you are!  After all, only mad people give up the normal daily grind of life to go off and follow their hearts in search of adventure, and to seek out true meaning for themselves - right?  When you are on the path, even doing jobs that might be considered trivial, mundane, or even viewed as being beneath you back in the ordinary world, will become important and integral parts of your life and you'll face them with joy, gusto and happiness, rather than doing them begrudgingly or with a sense of resentment.

The first time I can recall experiencing this, was during my time in Malaysia.  It must have been sometime around April 2006 and it had been perhaps five or six months since I had left my job working at IBM, where I had held several management positions.  One morning, I was sweeping the sand off the decking of the dive centre where I was training to become a PADI Dive Master.  I can remember vividly, looking along the arc of perfect white sand, lined with palm trees that was Long Beach, on the island of Kecil Perhentian.  In this moment, I smiled and laughed to myself in the realisation that I had never been happier than right then and right there.  I laughed to myself at how my life had changed so drastically in those few months.  I had exchanged designer suits, shirts, silk ties and expensive shoes for a pair of board shorts.  I had exchanged my daily commute through traffic for an easy walk along the beach.  I had exchanged my office for a beach.  And I had exchanged my laptop for a broom.  This was the first time that I knew I was walking my one true path and I felt an up-welling of pure and simple joy that I was unable to prevent.  It did not matter that I was only sweeping sand off of a decking, because sweeping sand was a necessary part of living my dream.

This joie de vivre permeates into everything that you do.  It is like an infectious disease that will invade your body and mind and it will invade the fabric of your very soul.  Whenever I am at work, or around the customers that come to scuba dive or snorkel with us, I become animated and alive.  I smile and laugh a lot, I engage with them and take a personal interest in them and their enjoyment.  I want to know where they come from and how it is there.  I enjoy exchanging stories and anecdotes about places and experiences.  I make silly jokes and I try to keep them entertained.  I do not ever feel like I have to do this, or that I am working.  I don't have to think about it.  It comes naturally and I know it comes from within my soul.  I do this for no other reason than because I feel alive and completely at one with my heart.  I am unable to stop doing it because the energy and love that I feel inside of myself needs to flow out and be released back to the universe.  When my heart sings, it is impossible not to sing along to its beat, to its rhythm and to its song.

It is not the same for every person who does the same job that I do now.  Some people will find talking to customers difficult, they will view it as part of the job that needs to be done because ultimately, we are in the entertainment industry.  They might resent that they have to lift heavy scuba tanks up and down the beach, sweep sand, or have to wash and rinse scuba gear at the end of each day's diving.  And this job is not every person's dream job.  I changed my life and discovered my own dream.  I know what it is like to walk on the path that is not your own because I did that for thirty five years.  But because this is my dream, when I am doing it, I feel completely at one with the universe. 

There will always be moments and there will be days when things do not go so well.  Even on the one true path you are still going to hit bumps in the road and suffer setbacks.  This is the inevitability of life.  Without setbacks we can never learn the lessons that are necessary to progress in life and to evolve our spirits.  My life has not always been easy.  In fact, I would never describe it as easy.  It is too easy to look at someone who seems to always carry a positive outlook in life and to think that they had it easy, or that they have always enjoyed good fortune.  This will never be the truth.  I suffered when I was young from being overweight and all of the problems associated with it and as I have written in previous blogs, I still carry those scars with me to this day.  However, I no longer recall that I was overweight or relive the days of suffering from teasing in the school yard.  What I choose to remember is that I had the strength to change my life and to do something about my physical appearance.  That taught me an incredibly valuable lesson: that I was able to accomplish anything that I put my mind to and I possessed the inner strength to change.  I have spent much of my adult life alone and without the love of a partner or companion on my journey.  That still causes me a lot of anguish and I wonder often about whether I will ever find that special person to share my life with.  There are times when I think about how alone I have been, or how much time I have lived without the love of someone special in my life and I cry.  But I tell myself that she will come when I am ready, she will come when I reach that point along my path.  I have moments during my working day when I need to deal with difficult situations or with difficult people.  I have a boss and just like all bosses, he can be a jerk at times and leave you wondering what is going on.  In my old life, even the smallest of setbacks could quickly snowball into something much bigger.  Each setback seemed to add to the previous and it could sometimes seem like an endless stream of them.  I would torment myself about being alone and without love in my life.  I would struggle to understand my purpose in life and I would ask myself why was I even here?  My life held no real meaning for me.  It was so easy to be pushed off course and to become lost in the dark void of despair.

All of that changed as soon as I began to walk my one true path.  Now, even if I suffer a setback, I am easily able to deal with it.  I either fix the problem or, if I am unable to fix it, I quickly move on and leave it behind.  I have a balance and a centre of gravity within my soul that was completely lacking before.  Even when I suffer a major setback, such as my recent relationship break-up and the loss of love, I am able to deal with it, without it causing me huge amounts of sorrow and pain.  In my old life, I would fall into darkness.  I would be lost in a chasm of sorrow.  So how am I now able to do maintain my joy in life and my positivity even though I still suffer setbacks?  Simply because by walking my one true path, I have found an inner peace and stability that did not exist previously.  I know that when I am on my path, doing what it is that I love to do, I feel the joy and happiness of which I wrote in the preceding paragraphs.  That is my core.  That is what gives me my belief and faith in the universe.  Walking my one true path makes me so incredibly happy, it is almost impossible to feel any other emotion.  That is not to say that I do not.  It is just that any negative emotions seems to fall away, like the droplets of water sliding off a duck's back.  They try to stick to me but they are unable to do so any longer.  My happiness cannot be contained.  My happiness cannot be dented.  My happiness cannot be stopped.  As long as I stay true to my heart and continue to walk my one true path. 

I walk my one true path and because I do so, everything becomes one.  I am immersed in love.  I walk in the light.  And when I do, I know that I am part of the miracle of life and the universe.  And at the centre of the universe can be found the most simple thing.  At the centre of the universe there is just one word written.  And that word is love.

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