The Unobtainable Light, or Two Paths That Diverged

A person must continue to walk throughout their life or else, just like the stream that stagnates, all signs of life will slowly disappear and vanish.  Water, the giver of life, knows that it must constantly seek change if it is to remain alive, it knows that it must always flow, finding new pathways, and overcoming obstacles if it is to succeed, if it is to reach its journey's end. 

 

Following the path is a journey of discovery, it is a journey of growth, and a journey of evolution.  When I began in earnest, seperating myself from the known, the safe, and the secure, my life changed dramatically in ways that I could never have predicted.  Guided by my heart, it led me along a pathway that for many years, I had been too scared to tread, too afraid of the possibilities, feeling that I was not deserving of the happiness that awaited, afraid of the consequences that would come if I were to realise my innermost dreams.

There was one significant moment when I came upon two roads that diverged before me.  One was a secure looking, safe road, that was well trodden by those who had come before me, and it would make for comfortable, easy walking.  The other, now that one was dark and twisting, nothing was discernible around the first bend, it appeared uninviting, and where it led I could not tell.  Yet, as I stood before these roads, I knew already the way I would go.  Even though I stood a while and debated, argued, and reasoned with myself, the route I would take had been set long ago.  My head fought with my heart that day, and as I knew it would, my heart won.  I plunged into the darkness and lost myself in the vastness of the unknown.

The irony was of course, that becoming lost on this road was the very thing that helped me to discover myself.  Around that first corner, obscured from view, but so tantalisingly close (if you could ever know it), was the greatest, warmest, and brightest light that I have ever seen.  It was the light of love that awaits all who seek the true path for themselves.  It was the light of understanding of self, of the world, and the universe.  I tried to reach that light, I wanted to reach it and attain it, and so I walked faster and faster towards it, always seeking it. 

But I could not.  Like a dog that chases its own shadow, no matter how hard I tried, I could never reach my goal.  The light was always there, shining ever more brightly, burning with an intensity that was hard to look upon.  It took me some time to realise that there was one very good reason I could not reach that light, no matter how hard I tried or how fast I ran towards it.  The light had led me on a journey to new places, with new people and new experiences.  My life was changed, I was changed from the person who I once was.  Part of me remained, I could feel that, the old me lived within the new, one and the same, changed yet still the same.  And with me were fragments of all the people that I had encountered, all of the places where I had been, and all of the incredible wonders I had experienced, just as I was a fragment within those same people.  Everyone I encountered left a mark upon my soul, enriching me, as I too left my mark upon theirs, bonding us forever across space and time.

It was only much later that I was able to come to an understanding.  When I had stood and looked upon those two diverging roads, there was never a debate as to which one I would take.  I was always going to take the path that I took.  It wasn't just about where I was at that moment, it was also about when I was.  I was at the right place and I had arrived at the right moment, to be where and when I needed to be so that I could act and make the decision that needed to be made.  A decision that was preordained in the mists of time, in the making of the universe.  I arrived exactly when I was supposed to arrive, the result of countless trillions of possibilities and happenings.  

I was always going to become all that I have become.  It was my life purpose.  When I was born, it was written in my heart that this is who I would be, these were the things that I would do, and the thoughts that I would have.  From that moment on, everything I have ever done has steered me on my journey. Sometimes it has been done unconsciously, without my even realising it, but always I have steered myself on the journey of my own making.  I could never have changed it.  My heart is too strong, it speaks too loudly for me to ever deny its existence.

I believe that this is the same for everyone of us.  Every person has a message written inside their heart.  It is the DNA of who they truly are, the person that they are destined to be.  If you listen and take heed of that message, then you will find the path that is right for you at exactly the moment when you need it.  You too will discover the light that awaits.

And as for that light that I tried so hard to reach?  I still cannot touch it, no matter what it is that I do.  It still remains there, always out of my reach.  Why?  Because that light is me and I am the light of the universe that shines the way.  I am the light of love.  I am the light of life.  I am me, and that is all I ever needed to be.  The real me, the true me.

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Haunted by the Past, Driven to the Future

This is a poem inspired by the ghost of the past and how it can continue to haunt us, even years later.  Some events occur in our lives that become so deeply rooted in our psyche, embedded within the fibre of our beings, that we are forever fighting against them.  It's as if they are always there, ready to taunt us at any moment with the memory of what was.  I remain haunted by my other self, the boy that I was once, even though the man is so very different. 

But what I find most remarkable about this is the thought of where my life would be without my ghost of the past?  It is partly due to my ghost that I am who I am today, I am where I am today.  My ghost may haunt my every moment, but it also drives me forward, urging me to be a better person and to always seek out my the dreams of my heart.  How I was as a boy has taught me compassion, caring, and empathy.  I see it as goodness, perhaps tinged with a small patch of dark.  The dark can never consume the light and as long as I follow and listen to my heart, the light will always shine forth.  The light of love can never be broken nor defeated.

Me In The Mirror
Standing
There I am
My reflection
But not me
The boy
I see him still
Ever present
Haunting
Following
An endless chase
I run
Faster
Further
Yet there he is
Whenever I look
Reminding me
Of who I was
What I was
Fat, ugly
Outside no more
And inside?
Always
I'll never be rid
Of this companion
A constant reminder
That plagues me
Alters my behaviour
He has strength
And power
We fight
A never ending
Struggle of wills
He is me
I am him
We are one
The same
Whole
Together
Lost apart
And there I stand
Man and boy
Me in the mirror.

 __________________________

Back In Auckland Where The Real Adventure Begins

Today, returning to Auckland left me with an odd feeling. It felt like the end of my trip and in a way, I suppose it was an end. As I caught a glimpse of the Auckland Sky Tower again it felt a little like a home coming. But this was no home coming. This is not even the end. My return to Auckland marks only the beginning of the real adventure.

My tour of Northland, the most northerly region of New Zealand was never my intended route. It was rather forced on me by circumstances and events beyond my control (Broken Promises and a Change of Plans). That said, it has proven a fantastic opportunity to become acquainted with the rigours of cycle touring and I am happy to have had the experience. I now realise that this was a blessing in disguise. A much needed short introduction into the world of cycling long distances, carrying all of your belongings with you.

During these two weeks, I have cycled some 700km (411 miles), I've visited some of the most historical places in all of New Zealand, I've met some incredible and wonderful people, I've heard some fascinating life stories, I've made new friends, I became trapped by the tail end of a cyclonic weather system, and I've been woken in the dead of night by the wailing of a tsunami warning siren. It feels special and it is special. Even though I have a lot further to cycle, in fact, I have only touched the tip of the iceberg so far, I have learned much about what it takes to cycle tour and I have learned much about myself in the process.  Even if I were to stop now, I would see these two weeks as an achievement, but I do not want to stop now.  This is still only the beginning.

Not everything has been as I would have hoped and there have been difficult days and moments. My ride from Ruakaka up to Russell (Headwind, Hills and a Town Too Far), a distance of some 136km stands out. That day taught me much, not least that I am only human, that I am far from being perfect, and that I am not invincible.  Although I reached my destination, it was a day that frightened me, that left me shaken and broken, and wondering whether I could actually accomplish my dream. I needed that day. It was a learning day and it allowed me to set more sensible and realistic goals. It is also not as easy to free camp (pitching your tent in unofficial places) as I had thought. I haven't managed to free camp once so far and to be honest, I haven't felt the need. It remains on my to do list and until I do it, I will not feel as though I have experienced the adventure that I came here seeking.

I've experienced one near miss with traffic so far, which happened today on my way back down to Auckland. I was in good rhythm and speed when a car decided to cut left across the cycle lane, pull into a gas station right in front of me and I had no option other than to make a sudden swerve around the car, out into the road.  Unsighted by the car and unbeknown to me, the cycle lane ended abruptly on the other side of the gas station entrance. As I cut back in to what I thought would be the cycle lane once again, I had no time to react as I bumped heavily into a kerb (curb) stone. My front wheel bore the impact and both of my front panniers were bumped off, one of them ending up in the road, the other on the pavement. I stayed upright and stopped to recover my things before any passing cars could flatten the contents of the pannier. It's always amazing how the people who create these incidents remain completely oblivious to what is going on around them, either that or they choose to stare straight ahead, in the hope that what they do not see, cannot really be happening. With this one exception, I've enjoyed some good days on the road among heavy traffic, even finding that the notorious State Highway 1 and the logging trucks that use it, is actually not as bad as I had read, and had been led to believe.

Two weeks down, ten more weeks to come. I know that I have much to learn and to discover on this trip. If there was one thing I knew, that has now become a certainty in my mind, it is this: I love New Zealand. I did from the moment I first arrived here as a green, solo traveller in June 2004 and ever since then, it has remained deeply and firmly rooted in my heart. This trip, my third time in New Zealand (I was a student here for three years between 2007 and 2010) has so far done nothing to change my opinion and has only cemented my feelings.

What then, will the next ten weeks hold for me? Other than a lot of kilometres and miles sat on the saddle of my bicycle, I do not know. And that is the very thing that I came here to find. I came here to find all that I did not know, and that is the adventure. This is what frees the heart and allows the soul to grow. This is what allows the light to shine forth. This is not just a cycle tour, this is a journey and a story of love.  I am giving myself the ultimate gift, by pursuing my dream and following my heart.

The road goes ever on. All that we can do is to choose the manner of our walking.

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Barbaric Yawps And Why They Are Absolutely Necessary

The sun beats down upon me, it's relentless heat seeps into my skin, causing droplets of perspiration to form on my brow, on my neck, on my chest.  I'm breathing hard now, sucking great gulps of air into my lungs, fighting for my breath, in desperate need of oxygen.  I'm standing up on my pedals, my legs continue to push hard, one, two, one, two, over and over, as I sway the bike from side to side, in the rhythmic dance of man and machine versus gravity.  I look up the road ahead and finally I am able to see the crest of the hill approaching, tanterlisingly close now, I can sense that this hill is conquered, and the feeling spurs me on.  I push harder, dance a little more and I'm there!  The hill is mine at last but there is no time for celebration because now begins the wild exhilaration of racing down the other side.  As I hurtle down, bent low over the frame and handlebars, I sweep around a bend at great speed, and as I do, I let out a great yell, an untamed roar, an expression of freedom and of deviance.  I feel a deeply intense moment of joy and well-being, as my soul soars and my heart flies free. 

In this moment, when I yelled out, I was experiencing a moment of absolute love.  Love of life, love of my path, love of the possibilities, love of myself.  As this wave of love washing over me, I could not help myself.  I felt a strong impulse to shout out, to let the world around me know that I was in a moment of pure and unadulterated happiness.  I was reminded of a couple of lines that Walt Whitman wrote, in his poem entitled, Song of Myself and that feature in the movie, Dead Poets Society:-

"I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable, I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world."

I understand you truly Walt.  These are the moments when heart and soul are completely free and unshackled from the physical body.  These are the moments when a primeval sense of pure joy and freedom engulf you, sweep through you.  You transcend the physical and become your true spiritual self.  These feelings do not come from without, they come from within.  They surge through you, an unstoppable force that no one can control.  These feelings are your true soul, you true self, your true power and beauty.  In these moments, you truly become a god.  For in these moments you are the mountain, the river, the lake, the forest, the valley, the ocean, the bird, the fish, the beast, the clouds, the wind, the sun, the moon, and the stars.  In these moments, your spirit returns to the centre of all things, and all things become one thing only.  And that one thing is love.

I had experienced another moment before this, a moment that was the complete opposite.  A moment of incredible deep serenity, peace and calm.  I had spied a rope tied to the bough of a tree, with a large knot on the lower end, just perfect for swinging on.  Grasping the rope in my hands, I stepped backwards, one, two, three paces, then ran and launched myself skywards, pulling my legs up and locking them around the rope in a tight grip.  Whoosh! Back and forth I swung, slowly twisting around one way and then the other.  I lent back, taking the weight of my body against my arms, pushing my legs forward, and I gazed up at the tree top above.  It was mesmerising.  Through the small gaps in the foliage of the leaves, the sun broke through with a shimmering light of radiant brilliance, glittering and sparkling like a million diamonds.  As I swung, so the angle changed and the light appeared to dance, reflecting off the deep green of the leaves.  Here was a beauty that was hard to surpass, here was a miracle of nature playing out above me, here, in this moment, I felt blessed, and I knew I was witnessing a special moment.  An upwelling of joy came to me and I felt such pleasure, lost in that moment, a moment of sun, leaves, bough, rope and me.  I wonder now, as I think back and picture it once more in my mind, whether the sun looked down upon me, and felt the same joy that I felt in that moment, to see a heart that was so full of love.

During this one morning, I beheld two very different experiences, and one thing linked them both.  Through letting go of our conscious thought, we can find moments of intense emotional pleasure.  Moments when we are able to connect to everything that surrounds us.  In these moments, we transcend the physical and we enter the place where our true spiritual self resides.  These are moments when we feel an undeniable connection to everything that surrounds us, a connection with life itself.  When we experience these moments, our hearts journey to the centre of the universe, to the place where time and creation itself began.  And in that place, in the great heart of all things, is found the one thing that connects every other thing and makes all of life possible.  That one thing is love.

The next time that you find yourself in such a situation, in a place where you feel an intense connection to all that surrounds you, when you know that your heart and soul are flying free, do not be afraid, give voice to your own barbaric yawp, share the moment, and shout it out across the roofs of the world.

_________________________ 

The Only Way To Discover True Happiness

The sound reverberates through the ocean. It's strong and powerful, like a bow pulled achingly slowly across the strings of a double bass, a deep, sonorous tone, that resonates through the water.  Powerful and strong, definitely, but there is something else too.  It's hauntingly beautiful, majestic, it feels almost sad, like the call of a broken heart reaching out across the vastness of space and time for its lost love.  But this is no broken hearted soul, this is the call of a humpback whale and I am lucky to find myself here, immersed under the ocean, bearing witness to this miracle of life.  Is it a question of luck, or is it perhaps something else that brought me to this moment of incredible beauty?

Some days I wonder.  No, let me say that again.  Every day I wonder, but there are some moments when I think to myself whether there is something special about me and what I have done with my life.  I really do not think so.  I am no braggart, in fact, I am nothing if not humble about everything that has happened to me.  My life has been mixed.  I've suffered some debilitating lows, perhaps too many, too often.  I am no different to most in that.  Each time I found myself in those situations, something has spoken to me, called me back from the bleakness, pulled my eyes around to see the small flicker of light, a flame that might wax and wain, but will never be truly extinguished.  It is my heart that called to me and it always spoke to me in these moments of despair, and when it did, it spoke to me of hope.

I clung to hope.  Sometimes desperately, as if I were cast adrift in the vast dizziness of open space, and this one small thing was all that kept me from falling into utter darkness.  There were times when I contemplated suicide, when I thought that perhaps it would be the easier option, the way out.  I felt in these moments that my life would never amount to anything, that I was desperately unlucky in life, destined to live a cold and lonely existence, full of sadness, full of regret for not being all that I could be, if only I had the chance.  The problem with depression, and for anyone who is unfortunate to have been there, is that you are swallowed by it, utterly and completely.  Hopelessness takes a firm hold and there seems to be nothing that you can do, even though there are answers and there are ways out of the abyss of darkness, back to the light once more.

What I failed to understand was that I was the key.  My happiness didn't depend on someone else, it depended on one person, and one person only: me.  I always looked to someone else to make me happy.  I thought that the path to my happiness was going to be found in love for another person, that this was what would make me finally fulfilled in my life.  I put all of my efforts into this one thing and in the process of doing so, I forgot about myself, my true self.  Each time I met someone, I wanted to please them, I wanted desperately to make the relationship work, and I would alter myself to fit to the other person.  I stopped being the real me and I become some other form of myself, an altered state that could only ever be temporary.  That could never work in the long term because at some point, my true self would begin to resurrect itself, to assert itself once more, to shake off the shackles in which I had bound it.  As I write this, I've just had this realistion: that I did exactly the same with everyone.  I altered myself to fit with the preconceived ideas I had about how I should act.  I did it with my parents, my brother and my sister, with friends, teachers, colleagues.  It was not until I moved overseas that I was able to find the real me and to have the confidence to let him come out.  That process began in Budapest and it continued through the years that followed, as I allowed my true self to emerge from its cocoon.  It is when I do the things I love, that I truly become myself, when I let my true soul fly free.  

The path to true happiness is simple.  Be yourself.  It sounds simple enough, but it is not.  I could not be my true self until I began to walk my path, my true path.  In the moment that I did, everything changed.  I chose to follow the voice of my heart, I listened to my inner voice, the voice that will only ever guide you true.  My luck changed, not because of anything that any one else did, not because the stars aligned above me, it changed simply because I opened myself up to the possibilities of life.  And the moment that I did that, life found me and enclosed me in all its wonder.

I am no different to anyone else, I do not see myself as special, nor do I possess a unique gift or talent.  What I have done, you can also achieve.  Everyone has this potential.  You too have this ability.  Do not be afraid to be your true self.  The person that you find will surprise and amaze you.  Listen to your heart.  Hear its message and its call and do not be afraid to follow it.  Wherever it takes you, it will change you forever and will give you the opportunity to discover true happiness.  Forget what others will tell you of the foolishness of your idea and plans, forget what the society tries to tell you is the right way to live a life.  There is only truly ever one way, and that is the way of your heart.  Go follow it.   

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Spiritual Evolution: The Reason Why We Are Here

This afternoon, I fell into a discussion with one of my students about life, or to be more correct, death.  This is not as morbid as you might at first think, since I'm teaching a Rescue Diver course, and we had been talking about life saving and the effectiveness of providing rescue breathing and chest compressions (CPR).  This conversation took on a whole new meaning, when out of the blue, my student told me something that left me dumbstruck and momentarily speechless.

As we were discussing the steps in responding to a non-breathing diver and how, through the use of rescue breaths and CPR, maintaining the flow of oxygenated blood to the brain is absolutely critical, Charlie told me that he was particularly interested in this point, since he had arrived home one day and walked into his brother's bedroom, where he had discovered him laying dead on the floor.  He was not even twenty years old and his brother had taken his own life. 

Charlie told me that his brother had been good looking, that they came from a middle class upbringing, that they needed for nothing, that he was popular and well liked at school, that he dated many girls.  Essentially, that there was no known reason at all for him to have ended his own life so early and so abruptly.  Charlie surmised that his brother had figured out that there was no point to continuing, since he already had everything, there was nothing left for him.  What goes on in the mind of someone who takes their own life, particularly in these circumstances, is not for me to say.  Each of us has our own demons, it is just that for most of us, those demons remain under control and in check.  I know that for myself only too well.  I told Charlie about a good friend of mine who had died unexpectedly and suddenly a few years ago, and we got to talking about life and death, and the reason why we are here.  I have a theory.  I call it Spiritual Evolution.

Spiritual Evolution.  Let me try to explain what I mean by this term.  Spiritual Evolution is the process of developing the soul.  We each develop our own soul through having experiences, meeting people, going places, attaining knowledge, and feeling emotions.  In fact, everything that we do offers us the chance to grow our soul, to move it forward.  As we do this, so too do we evolve our soul's into something more than they were before.  It is growth, advancement, and change.  I see spiritual evolution as our mission in this life.

Everyone has a voice inside of them - the voice of their heart.  That voice tells you constantly what you should do, what is the right thing for you.  Some of us ignore it and some of us heed it.  I believe that by following that voice, we follow our one true path and by walking that path, we walk in the light.  It is on our true path, basking in our own light, that we truly evolve our soul, giving it the best possible chance to attain its goal, its mission.  Our one true path is our spiritual quest, our mission for this life.

How many times have you stopped suddenly, aware that the situation in which you find yourself has happened before?  This occurs often in life and it is my belief that each time that it does, it is because there is a lesson of fundamental importance and consequence to our spiritual journey, that we need to learn and to assimilate.  If we fail to take the correct course of action, the situation will inevitably come around again and again, until such a time that we make the right choice or take the action that is necessary.  The situation may occur in a different place, with different people, but it will be the same lesson that is being shown to us.  When we make the right choices then we have learned the lesson and we are able to move on.  The learning of the lesson evolves our soul and this situation will no longer repeat itself in the same way again.  Déjà vu works in the same way, only déjà vu is our remembrance of the same situation but not in this particular physical manifestation of ourselves, but in a previous incarnation of our physical aspect on this planet - in another life.

Let's put this all together.  The soul is trying to attain its ultimate state, to reach the point of nirvana - the point at which the release of the soul from the physical body in which it exists occurs.  To do that, the soul must evolve.  As we journey through life, the soul is learning, changing and evolving.  When it reaches a certain point of the evolutionary process, there is no more that it can achieve in this life.  At that point, it is necessary for the soul to be released from the physical body in which it resides and if it has not yet reached its ultimate objective, then it is reborn into a different physical body and the process of evolution continues.  On and on.  Time and again.  Until the evolution is complete.

I came up with this theory because I wanted to explain to myself why it is that some people die early. You see, when my friend died, I did not understand how someone who enjoyed life as fully as he had, was taken away.  It seemed to me that it was too soon.  But perhaps it wasn't.  What if his soul had reached its goal for this particular life?  Now it was free to leave and so it found a way of breaking out of the physical body.  I don't know if the soul of my friend exists again on this planet in a different physical form, or whether he has left and moved on to a different realm, I'll probably never know that.  It does not matter though, since when I look back at his life, I see someone who clearly sucked out all the marrow, and then sucked out some more.

An acquaintance of mine, who worked as a nurse in a hospital for the mentally ill, once told me that she did not believe in fate because she was unable to explain why some innocent people needed to suffer at the hands of tormentors and abusers.  "How could that be their fate?" she had asked me.  Well, perhaps Spiritual Evolution helps to explain this.  Even though in this life, they suffered, in the greater scheme of evolution of the soul, perhaps that was a necessary suffering, so that they could assimilate a lesson.  We only see a small piece of the jigsaw puzzle, one single thread in the great tapestry that is life.  How can we truly know what is going on, what is the whole picture in which we are just one tiny, miniscule part?  We cannot.

Let me clarify one more thing, because I know the question is burning away in the back of your mind.  You're thinking to yourself that surely, with the rapid growth in the population of humans on this planet, there cannot be enough souls to populate all of the new bodies that have been born? Right?  Well, here is what I think.  Spiritual Evolution occurs throughout all of life that exists on this planet.  Every living thing has a soul of some kind.  Some are simple, others are very complex.  Each is at a different state in its evolution.  I also believe that all life on this planet must be in equilibrium, meaning that the sum of all life, must always equate to the same answer.  More humans, means less life forms of other types.  Therefore, the number of souls in existence is also balanced by the number of living bodies.  More simply put: all things are one.

So, perhaps Charlie's brother had accomplished all that was needed in that particular incarnation of his physical being, and it was just his time to depart and move on.  In choosing the manner in which he did, it is entirely possible that he passed on a message to Charlie.  Perhaps this event was needed to alter the destiny of Charlie, to steer him towards where he needed to go for his own spiritual evolution?  Without that event in the life of Charlie, maybe he would not have been sitting with me in Costa Rica, learning to become a Rescue Diver and going beyond to become a dive instructor.  No one really knows.  All I know is that I believe in my theory of Spiritual Evolution and I'm sticking to it.

_________________________

Today I Am Open To The Presence Of Miracles

Today, I am commencing the 21 Day Meditation Challenge from Oprah and Chopra Deepak.  In fact, I am starting this challenge with a dear friend and kindred spirit, and it was this friend who invited me to join her on this particular journey.  The purpose of day one is entitled, Miraculous Journey, with the objective being to begin to open yourself to the presence of the miracles that surround us each moment of every day.  Those of you who have been following my blog, will already know that I talk about this, and that I see it as just one of the amazing and enriching by-products of following your heart.  Today, as I sat down to meditate, with the intent of being open to miracles, something extraordinary happened.

Most evenings, when the working day is completed, if I have time, I like to cycle down to the beach at Playa Flamingo, and to watch the sun, as it sets slowly over the Pacific Ocean.  It is always a beautiful sight, and I love the quiet calm that transcends over all of those who are watching.  It is a time for thought, for reflection on the day, and for thinking about what tomorrow will bring.  It brings peace and tranquility to all life.

This evening, I sat on the sand watching, and it occurred to me that right then, in the glow of the evening sun, was the perfect time to meditate, to open my heart, and to think of the miracles of life.  I looked at the sun, as it dropped below the line of clouds that stretched across the horizon, changing the grey to hues of purple, mauve, and orange.  I saw that the clouds were lined with a brilliant shine, reminding me that every cloud really does have a silver lining.  I looked at the rippled surface of the ocean, and I saw the reflective glow of the sun, as the water shimmered with the breeze, giving the illusion that the ocean was on fire.  My eyes fixed on the volcanic rock formations that line the coast of Flamingo, and then further out, I looked upon the Santa Catalina Islands.  I turned and looked at the land, at the rocky headland, covered with a sea of green, all the trees carrying the lush foilage of the wet season.  I watched as the waves broke on the beach, their waters racing up the sand, reaching out as far as possible, clawing their way over the grains, until they could hold on no longer, and could only fall away and recede once more.  I saw people on the beach, playing, watching, taking photographs, laughing, smiling, talking, sharing.  A flicker of movement and my eyes glanced down to my left, to fix on a small shell on the dry sand.  And as I watched, that shell turned itself into a crab, that scurried forwards, then stopped, and abruptly became only a shell once more.  Then, in a flash, it transformed, it ran and had become a crab again.  I followed its path and my eyes saw that there was not just one crab, there were many, all intent on their end of day business,  every one of them hiding down at the slightest movement, the lightest tremor, to become simple shells again.  And in this moment, I smiled to myself.  I smiled because I understood and I knew.

I knew that I already could see the miracles that surround us each and every moment.  I smiled because my heart knew the truth of it, and my heart, in that moment, felt at peace, and it felt happy.  It was grateful that I was there, that I dared to dream, and that I had the courage to reach out for that dream.  In this moment, my heart was open.  In this moment, I was surrounded by life, by love, and by the countless millions, the infinite billions of precious miracles.  I absorbed all of this in a single instant of time, I took it all in and I let it flood into my heart. And, during this blink of an eye, because my heart was open, I let love flow out from me.  I let the energy of the universe out, so that I could keep the balance within.  I released my light, and in that single moment, I was brighter than the sun, I shone more brilliantly than the greatest star in all the universe.

Afterward, I felt an urge to create and so I scribed some words into the sand.

I saw life and it was good

I opened my heart to the miracles

That surround us each and every moment

Let your light shine forth

Because that light is pure love.

~ ~ ~

I do not know what day two of the 21 Day Meditation Challenge will bring to me.  Perhaps it will be a new lesson.  Perhaps it will be an old lesson.  Some how, of my own volition and experiences, I have moved along the path towards the light.  I have become spiritually enlightened, without trying to do so.  I did not read any books to learn what I know.  Rather, I opened my heart to possibility, I opened my heart to my dreams, and I took a chance on life. 

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The Fight of Fear and Hope

"We have lost."

It was a bitter statement to hear.  Worse, there was truth in those words.  No matter how Jaeke looked upon their predicament, he knew that he would need a miracle if he was to safe this day.  This day.  Everything had led them to this one single day, when all would be decided.  Not even a day would decide.  Jaeke knew that in the battle, it was a single moment that decided it.  A moment when time itself seized to exist and a lightning fast decision was needed.  No, not a decision.  An instinct.  Everything in the battle happened by instinct, everything happened as the heart willed it.  The head knew the forms to make, it instructed the arms to move this way and that, the legs to move forward and back.  But it was the heart that led the dance.  Every true soldier knew that.  Surrender yourself to your heart and walk forward into the battle.

Now the battle was lost.  This battle, the battle that marked the climax of all things.  Jaeke had never meant for it to happen in this way, but some how, everything had conspired to make it so.  Life was like that it seemed.  You could try to keep it at bay, try to push it back, to take one thing at a time, but when life decided, everything came at once.  The dam was broken, the waters rushed and surged forth, the torrent that changed all things, and nothing could stand in its wake.

Jaeke looked up at Daughtry.  He was a good man, a strong man.  Both of them had fought together in this fight as brothers.  In truth, they were brothers.  They had shared drink, food, women and blood.  They had shared the fight.  They had watched friends fall by the wayside.  They had shared pain and doubt.  Didn't that make them brothers?  Didn't that make them more than brothers?  Perhaps we do not share the same mother and father, but I would die for that man, thought Jaeke as he saw the tiredness that was etched around the eyes of his friend.  Would this really be the end?  Right here, in this godforsaken hell in which they had found themselves.

Jaeke stood up and placed an arm around his old companion.  He wanted to reassure him, to give him some of his own strength, well, what little of his own strength remained.  He would spare some for this man.  Share one last thing with him at least.  Jaeke looked about him.  He saw the darkness of the ever oppressive clouds, those clouds that pushed down on a man, as if they willed him into submission.  He saw blackened skies, as the dark tendrils of smoke that rose up from the fires of the battlefield fed the bleakness above.  He saw fallen soldiers, mutilated bodies of men, of dogs, and of horses all alike.  He saw a barren, lifeless, scorched earth, that had once been full of trees that reached for the skies, endless fields of grass, and flowers that had bloomed in the springtime warmth and sun.  How long ago was that now?  Yes, he decided, it was all lost.  And worse, he felt the whisper of despair, "We have lost."  His hand, with fingers wrapped around the hilt of his blade, wanted to loosen its grip, to drop his sword, to give up the fight.  There was nothing that could be done now.  There was only darkness, there was only the deep abyss.  It would be so easy to step into the nothingness and end all of the suffering.

Jaeke looked across the battle field one last time.  The sight of it threatened to overwhelm him in grief.  He raised his eyes to the skies, he wanted to shout "Why?" and then it happened.  For a brief moment, the darkness parted, the smoke rolled back, the clouds split and there, in that tiny gap, there was light.  And what a glorious light it was!  In the beat of a heart, it was gone.  But it had been enough.  Jaeke now knew the answer.

"Daughtry, my old friend.  We have not lost.  There is and there always will be hope.  And to that we must cling.  The light will always exist, and if the light exists, then so too does love, because love is the light and the light is love.  If you can still draw a breath, then there is hope my friend!  This may be our final moment together, we may never leave this field, but I'll tell you this: we shall go out fighting like we have never fought before and we shall make fear pay a heavy price for denying us our dreams!"

Together, they rejoined the battle.  Together, they raised their swords and that day, they slew down the enemy.  In a time that would come later, a song would be sung for the heroes of this battle.  But it was not this day.  This was the day, when the light of hope vanquished the darkness of fear.  And so it has been ever since.

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A Time For Faith

Some days, I question the path.  I ask myself whether I have made the right decisions, whether taking other roads would have led me to the happiness and contentment that I seek, where I would have found lasting love and family life?  I ask myself whether I have made mistakes in the decisions that I took, and I wonder if following my heart has been the right path for me?  What if I have got this all wrong?  What if those things in which I believe are actually not right, that some how I have created an illusion in my own mind and convinced myself of the truth of it?  What if the life that I am leading is in fact, a lie, and that I have fooled myself and others into believing that this is the truth?

These are the days when my faith is tested.  I did not decide to live my life the way that I do.  I was compelled to do so, not by any person, but by my heart.  The way of the heart has been my life for as long as I can remember, only there was a time when I did not understand that my heart was the ruler of my life, and that I could not resist its calling.  Every important and life altering decision I have ever taken, has been made by my heart.  Even though I have a logical brain, I understand that some things must defy logic.  That is the beauty and the miracle of life. That is the mystery.  It was not until I read and connected with The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, that I came to understand the way in which I lived out my life.  As I read the book, every thing that was written made perfect sense and resonated within my soul.  Through the writing of Paulo, was I able to see and comprehend the way in which I lived my life, as well as coming to the understanding that I could no longer hold back what was in my heart.  It was and always will be unalterable.  It will never change.  It cannot ever change.  I am my heart and my heart is me, we are one and my heart needed to be set free.

However, there come days and moments when everything appears to be wrong. I feel a sense of loss, unhappiness and frustration.  I can no longer see where the path is leading me and I am no longer able to understand why I am leading this life, doing what I do, living where I am, being who I am.  I experience a deep rooted feeling of sadness and despair that I have not yet experienced what it means to be a husband and a father and I question whether that is ever going to happen for me.  I become unable to see any clear way forward, everything becomes dark, as if a light has gone out, the flame of my passion extinguished, and with it, my ability to continue to walk my path.

In these moments, I think negative thoughts.  I question the point in all of this.  I begin to sink, down into the dark abyss of hopelessness, of the futility of continuing on in life.  If I strive to make my life the one that I want but never achieve my ultimate dream, then why should I persevere?  Wouldn't it be better to just give it all up, to go quietly away?  After all, my parents, brother and sister and old friends back in England have gotten used to my being away, it's been so many years already that I have chosen to live my life overseas.  I would hardly be missed, I am sure.  Yes, that must be the answer.  One day, they will wonder why they have not heard from me, and perhaps they will wonder why it has been longer than usual?  But then, perhaps, they won't.  My books, my blog, my writing, my poetry will be the legacy that I leave to this world.  Little known, waiting to be discovered, like so many other budding authors, poets, artists, musicians.  Maybe then, my family will read all that I have written and finally understand who I really was?  Why I had to be away, what I believe in, what I stand for, and what so many other people are able to see - my soul?  These moments are dark, these moments are bleak.  Everything seems lost to me. 

Then there comes a moment when I gain an understanding once more.  I see the setting sun on the beach over the ocean.  I see the beautiful face of a woman, as she smiles at me and I feel a leap in my heart and know that one day, I will be a husband.  I hear the laughter of children, as they play on the sand and I know that my job is not yet done, that fatherhood is still mine to grasp.  I see horses running free in a field of green, with a newly risen morning sun cresting the hills that provide a backdrop to this scene.  I witness the wonders of the aquatic world that continues to fill me with such peace, tranquility, wonder and awe.  My soul feels replenished and my heart shakes free of the dark shackles that threatened to bind it and imprison it forever.  My heart will never be a prisoner, it yearns to be free and freedom is what I will always strive to give to it.

Faith.  Faith is what we all must have if we are to make good on the promises we made to ourselves.  Faith is what we must maintain if we are to remain true to our hearts.  Yes, the dark days will come.  Sometimes, those days will turn into weeks and even months.  But do not fear, for those days will always pass, just as long as you keep faith as your ally, just as long as you keep faith as your weapon, because faith will always defeat doubt.  It is faith that will guide you back to the path, that will reveal your dreams to you once more, that will shine the light for you, when you are no longer able to shine the light for yourself.  Without faith, then we will become lost.  Faith will always guide you back home, because faith knows that home is where your heart is.

I will never give up my fight.  I know that in order to achieve those things that I truly want in life, I have to work hard, I have to understand all of the lessons that have been shown to me, I must read the signs that are placed before my eyes and I must continue to heed the calling of my heart.  But this is not all.  I could do all of these things and still go nowhere, still remain static, in a world of unchanging scenery.  In order to move on and get closer to my dreams, I must take a step forward.  With the sword of faith at my side, I will take that step and when I do, everything will change.  The light will shine forth from my heart to show me the way, to guide me.

Sometimes life tests our resolve.  If you truly want to achieve your dreams, and if those dreams are your one true path, then you will push through the darkness and you will reach the light that awaits you on the other side.  When you do, you will become stronger, more sure of your path, and more able to deal with the challenges that lie in wait.  Nothing that we truly wish to achieve in life will ever come easily.  Do not be fooled into thinking that it will.  Keep the faith and the rewards will be yours in return.  It has always been that way and it will always continue to be that way, until the ending of time itself.

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The Discovery Of Self

For so long, I believed that the path to finding love was all about boy meets girl.  I thought that the way to discover love, was through meeting another person and joining our hearts together.  My life's journey has taught me to see that before this discovery of love can occur, another, more important discovery has to be made.  The discovery of self.

In my life, I tried hard to please people and one way I found of doing that, was to act in a way that pleased them.  As children, this is how we learn right from wrong, good from bad.  When we do something that is viewed as incorrect, we are admonished or punished.  When we do something that is right, we are praised and rewarded.  This encourages us to develop behaviours and thinking that makes us seek out the rewards.  It is a form of training.  We are trained to conform to the rules of society, to our family's beliefs, to a religious view, to a teacher's needs.  In this way, we develop and the characteristics of our true selves, those things that define who we actually are as a person, as slowly and surely hidden - if we find that they do not conform to that which is required of us.

I grew up with the firm belief implanted in my mind that I had to find a good job, leave home, find a partner, get married, buy a house, create a home, raise a family, and then to eventually retire.  Everything around me told me this was so, and I firmly believed it.  In order to fit in and conform, I adopted different personality traits to suit differing situations in which I found myself.  At home, at work, out socialising with friends, with extended family.  Then it might depend on whether I was with this colleague or that colleague, my boss, my parents, my brother, my sister, my friends, my uncles, my aunts, my grandparents, my cousins on my father's side, my cousins on my mother's side, my father's friends, my mother's friends. my brothers friends, my sisters friends, my girlfriend, my girlfriends friends, my girlfriends parents and so on.  Each of these people received a slightly different version of me.  Much of it was the same, but certain behaviours and personality traits were either hidden completely, muted down, or extenuated and amplified.

I knew that I did this.  I referred to myself as a chameleon, always able to adapt to a situation and the people involved in it.  I liked that I was able to do this and viewed it as a strength.  It meant that people were always comfortable with me.  That I was able to find a way to relate to everyone on some level.  I have never really thought about why I did this until now. 

So, why did I do it?  The truth is that I was not comfortable with being my true self.  I had established a dislike of my own self.  I craved love and attention and did not wish to upset anyone or to alienate them.  I was embarrassed to be me, I was afraid to be me.  I feared that the true me would not be liked, that I would be laughed at, that I would be made fun of, that I would suffer humiliation.

For years I went on trying to be someone else.  Essentially, I was living someone else's life. I was living from a script, reading lines, following cues and directions, acting for an audience.  I was not myself.  What chance did I ever have of finding love in another soul, and of expecting that other person to love me, if I did not even love myself or respect myself enough to be the real me?

Then everything began to change.  Chance, fortune, luck.  Was it these that changed my life or was it that I had reached a place and a time where my true self could no longer be held back?  I know that it is a combination of everything.  That is what life is.  It is not one single moment that defines us or alters us, it is everything that has led us to that point.  It is every joy, every happiness, every hope, every doubt, every sadness, every glory, every loss, every elation, every fear.  Whatever it was, the dam broke and I burst forth.  My heart had been released and I began to finally become myself.  I began to allow myself to be comfortable being me.

Through that subconscious decision to finally step into my own light, my whole world changed.  I began to see life not as an endless series of mind-numbing, unthinking and necessary acts that will take me from point A to point B, but rather as one miracle after another.  By becoming myself, I became life.  By becoming myself, I became the light.  And by becoming myself, I became love.  I allowed myself to make the ultimate discovery: That love is found from within.  Once that is love is discovered, then the love from without is found not in another, but rather in a reflection of your own soul and in your own love.  Love holds a mirror and in that mirror will be reflected all that you hold in your own heart.

To discover your true self, is the true path.  To know your true self, is your purpose.  To accept your true self, that take courage and it takes an act of love.  From my own personal journey, I can tell you one thing I know for sure. The moment that you accept yourself is the moment that your truly start to live and love.

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Life On The One True Path

When you're doing something that you truly enjoy, something that gives you passion for life, it is impossible to stop smiling. This is because your heart, soul, body and mind are all in unison and they have truly become one thing only. And that one thing is love.

This is exactly what will happen to you when you walk your one true path.  There are going to be many moments when you find yourself smiling, laughing, skipping, dancing or singing for no other reasons than simply because you can, and simply because you feel like it.  There will be moments when you feel such an up-welling of positive life energy, that people will look at you as if you are mad, and perhaps you are!  After all, only mad people give up the normal daily grind of life to go off and follow their hearts in search of adventure, and to seek out true meaning for themselves - right?  When you are on the path, even doing jobs that might be considered trivial, mundane, or even viewed as being beneath you back in the ordinary world, will become important and integral parts of your life and you'll face them with joy, gusto and happiness, rather than doing them begrudgingly or with a sense of resentment.

The first time I can recall experiencing this, was during my time in Malaysia.  It must have been sometime around April 2006 and it had been perhaps five or six months since I had left my job working at IBM, where I had held several management positions.  One morning, I was sweeping the sand off the decking of the dive centre where I was training to become a PADI Dive Master.  I can remember vividly, looking along the arc of perfect white sand, lined with palm trees that was Long Beach, on the island of Kecil Perhentian.  In this moment, I smiled and laughed to myself in the realisation that I had never been happier than right then and right there.  I laughed to myself at how my life had changed so drastically in those few months.  I had exchanged designer suits, shirts, silk ties and expensive shoes for a pair of board shorts.  I had exchanged my daily commute through traffic for an easy walk along the beach.  I had exchanged my office for a beach.  And I had exchanged my laptop for a broom.  This was the first time that I knew I was walking my one true path and I felt an up-welling of pure and simple joy that I was unable to prevent.  It did not matter that I was only sweeping sand off of a decking, because sweeping sand was a necessary part of living my dream.

This joie de vivre permeates into everything that you do.  It is like an infectious disease that will invade your body and mind and it will invade the fabric of your very soul.  Whenever I am at work, or around the customers that come to scuba dive or snorkel with us, I become animated and alive.  I smile and laugh a lot, I engage with them and take a personal interest in them and their enjoyment.  I want to know where they come from and how it is there.  I enjoy exchanging stories and anecdotes about places and experiences.  I make silly jokes and I try to keep them entertained.  I do not ever feel like I have to do this, or that I am working.  I don't have to think about it.  It comes naturally and I know it comes from within my soul.  I do this for no other reason than because I feel alive and completely at one with my heart.  I am unable to stop doing it because the energy and love that I feel inside of myself needs to flow out and be released back to the universe.  When my heart sings, it is impossible not to sing along to its beat, to its rhythm and to its song.

It is not the same for every person who does the same job that I do now.  Some people will find talking to customers difficult, they will view it as part of the job that needs to be done because ultimately, we are in the entertainment industry.  They might resent that they have to lift heavy scuba tanks up and down the beach, sweep sand, or have to wash and rinse scuba gear at the end of each day's diving.  And this job is not every person's dream job.  I changed my life and discovered my own dream.  I know what it is like to walk on the path that is not your own because I did that for thirty five years.  But because this is my dream, when I am doing it, I feel completely at one with the universe. 

There will always be moments and there will be days when things do not go so well.  Even on the one true path you are still going to hit bumps in the road and suffer setbacks.  This is the inevitability of life.  Without setbacks we can never learn the lessons that are necessary to progress in life and to evolve our spirits.  My life has not always been easy.  In fact, I would never describe it as easy.  It is too easy to look at someone who seems to always carry a positive outlook in life and to think that they had it easy, or that they have always enjoyed good fortune.  This will never be the truth.  I suffered when I was young from being overweight and all of the problems associated with it and as I have written in previous blogs, I still carry those scars with me to this day.  However, I no longer recall that I was overweight or relive the days of suffering from teasing in the school yard.  What I choose to remember is that I had the strength to change my life and to do something about my physical appearance.  That taught me an incredibly valuable lesson: that I was able to accomplish anything that I put my mind to and I possessed the inner strength to change.  I have spent much of my adult life alone and without the love of a partner or companion on my journey.  That still causes me a lot of anguish and I wonder often about whether I will ever find that special person to share my life with.  There are times when I think about how alone I have been, or how much time I have lived without the love of someone special in my life and I cry.  But I tell myself that she will come when I am ready, she will come when I reach that point along my path.  I have moments during my working day when I need to deal with difficult situations or with difficult people.  I have a boss and just like all bosses, he can be a jerk at times and leave you wondering what is going on.  In my old life, even the smallest of setbacks could quickly snowball into something much bigger.  Each setback seemed to add to the previous and it could sometimes seem like an endless stream of them.  I would torment myself about being alone and without love in my life.  I would struggle to understand my purpose in life and I would ask myself why was I even here?  My life held no real meaning for me.  It was so easy to be pushed off course and to become lost in the dark void of despair.

All of that changed as soon as I began to walk my one true path.  Now, even if I suffer a setback, I am easily able to deal with it.  I either fix the problem or, if I am unable to fix it, I quickly move on and leave it behind.  I have a balance and a centre of gravity within my soul that was completely lacking before.  Even when I suffer a major setback, such as my recent relationship break-up and the loss of love, I am able to deal with it, without it causing me huge amounts of sorrow and pain.  In my old life, I would fall into darkness.  I would be lost in a chasm of sorrow.  So how am I now able to do maintain my joy in life and my positivity even though I still suffer setbacks?  Simply because by walking my one true path, I have found an inner peace and stability that did not exist previously.  I know that when I am on my path, doing what it is that I love to do, I feel the joy and happiness of which I wrote in the preceding paragraphs.  That is my core.  That is what gives me my belief and faith in the universe.  Walking my one true path makes me so incredibly happy, it is almost impossible to feel any other emotion.  That is not to say that I do not.  It is just that any negative emotions seems to fall away, like the droplets of water sliding off a duck's back.  They try to stick to me but they are unable to do so any longer.  My happiness cannot be contained.  My happiness cannot be dented.  My happiness cannot be stopped.  As long as I stay true to my heart and continue to walk my one true path. 

I walk my one true path and because I do so, everything becomes one.  I am immersed in love.  I walk in the light.  And when I do, I know that I am part of the miracle of life and the universe.  And at the centre of the universe can be found the most simple thing.  At the centre of the universe there is just one word written.  And that word is love.

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