Thirty Nine More Summers

This morning, I woke up to the sad news that Leonard Nimoy (aka Mr Spock from Star Trek) had died at the age of 83.  I was saddened for the loss of one of the characters with whom I had grown up with, and whose spats with Captain Kirk I had enjoyed to watch play out on screen and whose underlying love and respect for each other was always evident, even in their darkest moments.  Although deeply saddened by the news, it was another thought that occurred to me, the realisation of which shocked me rather suddenly and more deeply.

The thought that came unbidden to my mind was that if I also am to live to the age of 83 years, I will see only another 39 more summers.  Old age and death have always seemed so remote to my thinking.  I never ponder them since they are the inevitability of life and there is nothing that I can do about either of them.  With each key stroke on my keyboard, I have aged.  With each key stroke on my keyboard, I have moved inexorably towards my end.  Everyday, we live out our lives and at the end of each, we are sure that we have many more ahead of us, many more opportunities to change things, to do all of those things that we wish to do, to fulfill our dreams.  "I'll do it tomorrow."  "I'll get around to it next week."  "I'll do that next year."  I too have these thoughts.  I am sure every single one of us has them for one reason or another.  There is after all, only so much that can be achieved within a day.

Each day of our lives is already filled with so much that we have to accomplish in order to survive.  School, university, and work take up huge amounts of our time for those of us not yet retired.  That's 33% of our time allocated at least and if not more.  Sleep accounts for around another 33% of our time.  Now we are left with about 30% of 'free time'.  But is that time free?  We have to eat.  In order to eat we must prepare food.  In order to prepare food we must go and purchase some groceries.  There's administration of our lives to deal with too - paying bills and banking, checking insurance policies, and so on.  Slowly, the amount of free time ebbs away.  This is before we factor in any time for checking Facebook, Twitter and other social media, before we catch up on the news and perhaps the weather.  And if you happen to be a parent...  Well, my mind boggles with that one! How do we fit it all in?  When do we find the time for ourselves?  Where are the quiet moments of contemplation and thought, for reflective thinking and for making sense of everything that is going on?  And whilst you are thinking this, a nagging thought sits in your head, "I should call Mum and Dad."

Time is not on our side.  It marches on, flowing like an uncontrolled torrent whose waters we can try to slow down and dam, but the attempt to do so is futile.  Eventually the dam will break and the water will flow on towards its final destination, where the river is lost within the ocean.  Our days are numbered.  Those of us who are fortunate enough to live without illness or disease, we think of ourselves as immortal and untouched, but we are not.  From the moment we come into this world in a physical state, we begin the slow process of decay. The cycle of life must be completed.  I recall at this moment a line from Mr Keating in the movie Dead Poets Society, "We are food for worms boys."  Our time of life will inevitably cease and we will indeed go back to the earth where our bodies will nourish the soil and become new life.

I feel that there is a paradox that haunts human life.  When we are in the midst of it, we feel that we are immortal, that we will go on forever, that we will always exist, even though we know that logically this cannot be the case.  We know that life must come to an end but it is always the end of a different life, not our own and in this way of thinking, perhaps we sidestep the inevitable - that we too must one day cease to exist.  There is a part of me that is thinking as I write this, that maybe this way of thinking is driven by the fact that our spirit and essence of life knows a different story.  That the body my die but the soul lives on eternal?  Or perhaps we have tricked ourselves and conjured up another Santa Claus because we cannot face the thought that this is really it?  Whatever your thoughts on life, death and the after-life, there is one inescapable thing: the body, as a living organism cannot survive indefinitely.  Our days are numbered.  How then should we live out those days?  

Mr Spock was famous for his saying, "Live long and prosper."  I'd like to add something to this because I feel it is not complete.  It lacks a kind of definition.  What does he mean by prosper?  For me, to prosper in life is to live happily, a deep rooted, in the guts of your stomach and a fluttering of the heart kind of happy.  Prosperity is not economic and monetary success.  I thought about this yesterday actually and how I often say that we should look on the world through the eyes of a child.  When I thought about that yesterday, I changed my mind about it.  I would rather look upon the world as a dog sees it.  A dog lives their life in the moment; they find joys in the simplest of pleasures, they make the most of what they have, when they have it; they wear their heart on their sleeve for everyone to see - their emotions are plainly and sometimes painfully evident; and a dog craves love and gives love unconditionally.  That is the way to live - isn't it?

So then, if I am to enjoy (for summer is my time of great enjoyment) only another 39 summers, I had better make the most of every single one.  If I am going to suck all of the marrow out of life (thank you Henry Thoreau) then I should do so today, starting right now.  If there is something that you have planned to do, begin it today.  Make a start.  I can assure you that once the movement begins, it will inevitably gather pace and momentum.  Please don't leave important things undone.  Say I love you. Offer a smile to the world. Make a positive difference.  Our time may be short, but by golly, we can make it such a time as to be worthy of being remembered, a time that will echo across eternity to the furthest star of the universe.  Live long and prosper by all means but just make sure that along the way you love, that the love starts with you, and you wag your tail as much as you darn well can for as long as you are able.

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A Home For the Homeless

120 km.  That's how far I had cycled the previous day, now I was only 69 km from Wellington.  For the most part the road was flat, my dear old adversary, the wind, was from the side and perhaps slightly from behind, helping me towards my goal on what I knew would be a special day.  The sky was clear and blue, the sun beat down and I had a joy in my heart.  I would be in Wellington by early afternoon, but how was I going to feel about returning to the city that I loved, that held so many fond memories for me?

After spending more than three years living, studying and working in Wellington, I had left in April 2010 to pursue other dreams of my heart.  At the time I left, I questioned my motives, I considered if I was doing the right thing, I wondered if I would ever regret leaving.  I had my reasons for going, at least, I made them my reasons, the spur I needed to push me forward, to move me on to new experiences and places.  There had been a loss of a dear friend, taken prematurely, way before his time.  There was love and the hope for a future.  And of course, as always, there was the sense of adventure and the unknown.  My feet were itchy, I needed to move on before I became more permanently entrenched in my life in the city.

The cycling was easy and the kilometres ticked down.  My bike may have been heavy but there was a lightness in my soul that helped me along the road.  As I came down SH1, that runs along the western Kapiti coast, I was afforded views out across the ocean, to Kapiti Island itself.  Finally, after more than 1,500km in the saddle, pushing those pedals around and around, I was coming into places that I knew.  Almost without effort, at least it seemed that way after the previous few days of riding in which I had covered 440km in five days, suffering spells of a cold and biting wind that brought penetrating rain, I reached the suburbs of outer Wellington.  I had been forced off the main highway and onto minor roads, as SH1 is designated motorway and bicycles are not allow for a section of the road.  All that remained and separated me from the city itself was one last, steep hill to climb.

Was Wellington drawing me in?  It felt that way.  On the other side of the hill, I was able to rejoin SH1 and the road dropped down to the sea.  My speed picked up and I watched the numbers on my cycle computer as they increased. 60km/h... 65km/h... 70km/h... I topped out at 74km/h feeling exhilarated, occupying the centre of the lane, keeping up with the other traffic around me.  I was now into the city itself, coming past the docks, the ferry terminals, the Westpac Stadium, where I had watched the All Blacks play Australia in a rugby union test (the All Blacks thrashed the Aussies) and England play the Black Caps in a one day cricket international (England were dismal and were annihilated).  Here I was then, back in Wellington and how did I feel about it?

I could not stop smiling. There was nothing that I could do about it.  It was a smile that began in my heart, buried deep in the very fabric of my soul, and erupted onto my face.  I must have looked a little crazy cycling along like that, giddy with happiness, on the verge of laughter, happy as I was feeling.  I had reached the waterfront and there I stopped to drink in the view.  Wellington, dear Wellington, you did not disappoint.

My first glimpse of Wellington from the waterfront

This was a picture postcard day in Wellington.  Little to no wind, clear, blue skies and a hot sun beaming down from overhead.  I do not think there is any place I'd rather be in all the world than Wellington on a day like this.  I had to pinch myself to make sure I was not dreaming, to make sure that I was actually here.  I could feel the emotion inside of me, threatening to erupt and to spill its tears of lava down my cheeks.  I was almost unable to take it all in.  I had returned to a place that I had called home, a city that meant so much to me, that had helped move me on in my life, that held so many great memories.  I felt nothing other than pleasure at being back.  There was no sense of regret, rather the feeling of gladness for the time that I had spent here.

Bathers at Oriental Bay

I cycled slowly around the waterfront, noting the small and almost imperceptible changes that had occurred in my absence.  Changes for the better, I noted.  I zigzagged my way slowly through the throngs of people, all enjoying a Sunday afternoon in the capital, making my way to Oriental Bay, the beach of Wellington.  Here, the crowds were most dense, here, the young and the hip came to strut their stuff, and all the while the surf life guards patrolled, keeping a careful eye over everything and giving out free sun block.  And here, as I hoped it might be, was the little mobile coffee van, where I used to regularly purchase my coffee.  I was chuffed to pieces that the owners recognised me after all this time and remembered my drink.

Downtown Wellington

I sat on the sea wall, sipping at my coffee, taking in the views of the bay, the mountains across the water and the high rises of downtown.  I was back in Wellington.  My heart was glad of it, I could feel its soft purring, I could sense its happiness.  As I sat there, I wondered whether this was my home, the place of which I have been looking.  I realised that actually, it did not matter.  All that mattered was that I was back and that I was happy. Everything else will take care of itself when the time is right.  That is how I have always known it would be for me.  And so my search goes on.

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Hills, Smiles, Sunburn And The Leg's Are Good

Yesterday, as I cycled the 68km north from Auckland to Warkworth, I experienced a moment of epiphany.  I was cycling up yet another hill, this one both longer and with a steeper gradient than the others I had already encountered.  What occurred to me was nothing, if it was not the most blindingly obvious fact that I had subconsciously known all along.  In a split second moment of comprehension, that thought became a living reality.  I do not have a choice, I must keep going.

In the morning, shortly after 10am, I began my journey.  It seemed that everyone in the apartment hotel was trying to leave at exactly the same time and I had waited patiently as the doors of each elevator pinged open, revealing an already full compartment, with no chance of taking my fully loaded bike and I down to the lobby, so that I could check out.  After five or six full elevators had trundled down from the upper floors, each one seemingly more full than the one before, I hit upon a canny idea and pressed the up button.  I figured that elevators coming up were more likely to be empty - I was right.

It was all down hill from the hotel to the ferry terminal and a good job too.  Not only did I have my full panniers, I also needed to carry a large pack on my back containing those items that I would not be taking on my tour, which I was to drop off at the bike shop on my way through.  The rain and strong winds that had gusted the day before had thankfully abated and I freewheeled downhill under broken cloud and blue skies.  From the back of the ferry, I watched Auckland recede into the distance and I said a quiet goodbye.  How would I be feeling the next time I came this way?  Pack dropped off with Megan at Auckland Cycles and after some ribbing from her and her assistant about the amount of weight I was carrying ("but I need my laptop"), I wheeled the bike out of the ferry terminal building, straddled the crossbar, slipped my right foot inside of its toeclip, and pushed off with my left leg.  My trip had begun in earnest.

Twenty five minutes later and feeling like the kid who had dropped a quarter and found twenty dollars, I was sitting having a coffee in Takapuna.  Everything had been easy, the bike felt good, well balanced and I was feeling ecstatic, almost giddy with the happiness of being on the road at last.  I wanted to take this first day easy and although I had maintained a good level of general fitness, I was not in the best physical conditioning for cycling long distances.  A late morning, congratulatory coffee seemed the order of the day, and sitting outside on the pavement in the warm sunshine, I called my parents to test my Skype connection on my newly acquired smartphone, and to share in my moment of joy.

Pushing on, I began to leave the suburbs of northern Auckland behind and the road opened up.  This was what it was all about!  I was afforded stunning vistas across the water and out to Waiheke Island.  Up and down rises and falls in the road I pedalled and I felt energised and electric.  Each time I came to an uphill section, I worried that my legs were going to give out, but they didn't.  In fact, they felt strong and I began to give thanks for the gym work I had put in over the Christmas period back in England, and for the hours of riding under severe heat and humidity, up the sharp inclines of the coastal roads in Costa Rica.  I could not help myself from smiling and, with each new incredible view of the New Zealand scenery, I broke out into a beaming grin and laughed.  I was doing it.  I was living my dream.

At a distance of around 30km, I stopped for lunch and a coffee refuelling in Orewa, a lovely beach town, bustling with locals and tourists, all out enjoying the sun, that had now become quite hot.  I had forgotten the intensity of the New Zealand sunshine.  It is one thing to be out in 35C temperatures and sun in Costa Rica, but quite another to feel the sun in New Zealand, even at low temperatures.  It burns.  Or rather, it shines and you burn.  I could feel it on my arms a little and on my upper lip that was beginning to dry out.  No matter, I had no choice but to continue and to push on for Warkworth, which I was sure lay only a further 10 or 20kms up the road at most.  I leaned over to the cafe table next to me and asked them.  "Ah yeah, 30 or 40k's I'd say."  What?  Surely not, couldn't be.  I felt a little crest fallen.  I could feel myself tiring slightly and the thought of another 40kms in this heat was a lot.  Not the easy first day I had envisaged at all.

Think of New Zealand and you possibly picture the stunning mountain scenery, that gave such an incredible and beautiful natural backdrop to the Lord of the Rings and Hobbit movies.  That's all down in the south, on South Island.  I was heading north, towards the upper tip of the north island.  I had figured it was fairly flat this way.  Out of Orewa, the more serious hills began.  After I crested each one, I hoped to spy Warkworth laying down at the bottom, and each time I was wrong.  I sat on the saddle and I pumped and I pushed.  On one hill, about half way up, I pushed the level to drop down a gear, so that I could spin the pedals more easily.  With a gut wrenching feeling of dismay, almost bordering on panic, I realised I had no where to go.  It was either this gear or get off and walk.  I never walk.  Not ever.  I dug in, turned the pedals, found a rhythm, 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4, over and over.  That rhythm consumed me, it needed to.  It kept me going and as the road began to level out towards the top, I looked up and turned my head to the side.  I smiled.  I had been so caught up in getting over the hill, I had forgotten why I was doing this.  The views were great reward for my efforts.  Of course, if you go up, logic says that you must go down again and on the seat of a bicycle, arms and legs tucked in, butt pushed backwards, head down low over the bars, you not only go down, you fly.  I hit speeds of over 60km/h as I rocketed down, sweeping around bends, staying in the middle of the road, going as fast as the cars behind me.  Exhilaration and joy supreme.

But I did begin to fear that I could not make too many more of these ascents.  Not on my first day.  Perhaps I had bitten off more than I could chew?  Perhaps I had been over ambitious with my plans and distances?  I was worried that through the night (assuming I ever reached Warkworth), my legs would stiffen terribly and I would be in some difficulties the next day.  I was now on flat road, close to the coastline, winding around bend after bend.  I stared at my cycle computer 65km covered, 66, 67, and then it came into view and I felt a sense of accomplishment and a huge sense of relief.  Warkworth.  I had finally made it.  Day one was over, I was on my way.

~ ~ ~

I decided to spend an extra day in Warkworth and take a look around.  It's a very picturesque town and I feel I owe it to myself as a reward.  One point to note is that on waking this morning, there is no stiffness in my legs, no aches, no pains, no nothing.  Quite remarkably, they feel good.  Tomorrow I'll test them out again, as I continue my journey north.

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The Only Way To Discover True Happiness

The sound reverberates through the ocean. It's strong and powerful, like a bow pulled achingly slowly across the strings of a double bass, a deep, sonorous tone, that resonates through the water.  Powerful and strong, definitely, but there is something else too.  It's hauntingly beautiful, majestic, it feels almost sad, like the call of a broken heart reaching out across the vastness of space and time for its lost love.  But this is no broken hearted soul, this is the call of a humpback whale and I am lucky to find myself here, immersed under the ocean, bearing witness to this miracle of life.  Is it a question of luck, or is it perhaps something else that brought me to this moment of incredible beauty?

Some days I wonder.  No, let me say that again.  Every day I wonder, but there are some moments when I think to myself whether there is something special about me and what I have done with my life.  I really do not think so.  I am no braggart, in fact, I am nothing if not humble about everything that has happened to me.  My life has been mixed.  I've suffered some debilitating lows, perhaps too many, too often.  I am no different to most in that.  Each time I found myself in those situations, something has spoken to me, called me back from the bleakness, pulled my eyes around to see the small flicker of light, a flame that might wax and wain, but will never be truly extinguished.  It is my heart that called to me and it always spoke to me in these moments of despair, and when it did, it spoke to me of hope.

I clung to hope.  Sometimes desperately, as if I were cast adrift in the vast dizziness of open space, and this one small thing was all that kept me from falling into utter darkness.  There were times when I contemplated suicide, when I thought that perhaps it would be the easier option, the way out.  I felt in these moments that my life would never amount to anything, that I was desperately unlucky in life, destined to live a cold and lonely existence, full of sadness, full of regret for not being all that I could be, if only I had the chance.  The problem with depression, and for anyone who is unfortunate to have been there, is that you are swallowed by it, utterly and completely.  Hopelessness takes a firm hold and there seems to be nothing that you can do, even though there are answers and there are ways out of the abyss of darkness, back to the light once more.

What I failed to understand was that I was the key.  My happiness didn't depend on someone else, it depended on one person, and one person only: me.  I always looked to someone else to make me happy.  I thought that the path to my happiness was going to be found in love for another person, that this was what would make me finally fulfilled in my life.  I put all of my efforts into this one thing and in the process of doing so, I forgot about myself, my true self.  Each time I met someone, I wanted to please them, I wanted desperately to make the relationship work, and I would alter myself to fit to the other person.  I stopped being the real me and I become some other form of myself, an altered state that could only ever be temporary.  That could never work in the long term because at some point, my true self would begin to resurrect itself, to assert itself once more, to shake off the shackles in which I had bound it.  As I write this, I've just had this realistion: that I did exactly the same with everyone.  I altered myself to fit with the preconceived ideas I had about how I should act.  I did it with my parents, my brother and my sister, with friends, teachers, colleagues.  It was not until I moved overseas that I was able to find the real me and to have the confidence to let him come out.  That process began in Budapest and it continued through the years that followed, as I allowed my true self to emerge from its cocoon.  It is when I do the things I love, that I truly become myself, when I let my true soul fly free.  

The path to true happiness is simple.  Be yourself.  It sounds simple enough, but it is not.  I could not be my true self until I began to walk my path, my true path.  In the moment that I did, everything changed.  I chose to follow the voice of my heart, I listened to my inner voice, the voice that will only ever guide you true.  My luck changed, not because of anything that any one else did, not because the stars aligned above me, it changed simply because I opened myself up to the possibilities of life.  And the moment that I did that, life found me and enclosed me in all its wonder.

I am no different to anyone else, I do not see myself as special, nor do I possess a unique gift or talent.  What I have done, you can also achieve.  Everyone has this potential.  You too have this ability.  Do not be afraid to be your true self.  The person that you find will surprise and amaze you.  Listen to your heart.  Hear its message and its call and do not be afraid to follow it.  Wherever it takes you, it will change you forever and will give you the opportunity to discover true happiness.  Forget what others will tell you of the foolishness of your idea and plans, forget what the society tries to tell you is the right way to live a life.  There is only truly ever one way, and that is the way of your heart.  Go follow it.   

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The Seven Rules of Life

I got to thinking about the rules of life today and I came up with the following seven rules.


1: Be yourself.
The most important rule of life is to simply be yourself.  No matter what any one else thinks of you, or says to you, no one can affect you, if you remain true to yourself.  Listen to your heart and always, no matter what anyone tells you, follow it.  It will never lead you in the wrong direction.  It will always lead you to the places that are right for you, and only you.
 
2: Do whatever makes you happy and do it often.
Why spend your time doing things that give you no sense of achievement, worth or pleasure? Find what makes you happy and do that as much as you possibly are able. If you can make that your occupation, so much the better.  When you are happy, your heart and mind are open and though their openness, you are more able to perceive opportunities and to read the signs that life is placing before you. 

3: Never be envious of another person. Your time will come.
The path is a long one and every person experiences highs and lows at different points along their journey. When you see that someone is experiencing good luck and fortune, be happy for them.  If they can find it, then they are the proof that the rewards exist, and it follows that you too can find your own rewards. Persevere and your own time will come to walk in the light.

4: Never live with regrets.
Living in the past is wasted energy.  You cannot affect the past, but you can affect the future.  If there is something that went wrong, can you make it better now?  If yes, then do so.  If no, put it behind you and move on.  See every lost opportunity as an impetus to make sure it does not happen the next time.  And rest assured, there will always be a next time.

5: Learn to forgive others. 
Forgiveness is a strength.  Those that can forgive the wrong doings of others, are more likely to be positive and happy people.  Harbouring ill-thought,negativity and malice towards others is maintaining a negative energy within yourself, which will ultimately become detrimental to both your mental and physical well-being.  Better to let go, to forgive and to move on.

6: Learn to forgive yourself.
Perhaps more important than forgiving others, is the need to forgive yourself.  Everyone makes mistakes.  Every person has their own unique set of flaws.  Come to terms with who you are, what you have done, the errors that you may have made and then learn to see yourself as the beautiful creation that you are.

7: Never stop striving to reach your dreams.
No matter how hard the path gets, never stop believing and never stop striving towards your dreams.  Walking the path is an equally important part of life as the attain of what it is that we seek.  Along our path, we learn many important lessons that will shape us and help us towards our goals.  The moment that you give up on your dreams, you also lose the opportunity to learn the lessons that you need to learn in order to evolve your spirit to its ultimate point in this life.  Dreams are achievable.  Keep walking the path because all the time that you do so, the path is illuminated with your light.  And that is a wonderful thing.

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Revelations On Deserving Love

I woke early a couple of mornings ago, and as I lay in bed, trying to figure out if I should get up and make coffee or try to sleep for a while longer, my brain began to run free and I began to think on the topic of love, as I seem to find myself doing so often.  After all, love is the reason for our existence, so it is certainly a topic that is worthy of receiving so much of my attention.  I was once again thinking about the subject of being deserving of love and I experienced a revelation of sorts.

In all of my thinking on this subject, I have always approached it from the point of view that it is me who has been undeserving of love, that it was me who was unworthy of love because of the person that I have for so long believed myself to be.  I wrote previously on the realisation that we receive the love that we think we deserve and how my eyes have were finally opened to the truth.  The truth for me is that from a young age and through almost the entirety of my adult life, I have deemed myself to be unattractive to the opposite sex and for such a large part of my life, I have been single, and because of this, I have formed the opinion that I must be undeserving of love.  The result of which has been that I have sought out relationships that were unworthy of the love that I had to give.  Even when I was faced with an impossible situation or a situation that I should have simply walked away from, I would never give up and I would pour everything that I had into the relationship to try my hardest to make it work, even though the truth was that it could not.  This was all because the love that I thought I deserved was not of the pure and healthy kind.  I believed that I deserved something less than pure.

My revelation from a couple of mornings ago was that if I was fixed on the belief that I was undeserving of a healthy and nurturing kind of love, then perhaps there are many others out there who share that same belief about themselves.  Why would I be the only one?  That would seem illogical and implausible.  From this thought, another revelation leaped out at me, that if I sabotaged my own chances of happiness by choosing the wrong type of love and by trying so desperately to fix my ailing relationships with my love, then perhaps there are also many other people out there who are all equally sabotaging their own relationships in some way, all for exactly the same reason: that they too seek out the love that they think they deserve.

With the recent revelations about my life, I am able to see that my relationships fall into two clear categories.  There are those relationships that offered a healthy and good kind of love with great potential.  These are the ones that I walked away from, finding excuses at the time that seemed reasonable and logically sound.  I can now see that I left these situations only because I felt I was undeserving of a love such as this.  I never saw that before now.  The other category contains the kind of relationships that were problematic and that never ran smoothly.  These are the ones where I invested huge amounts of my time, trying my hardest to make them work, pouring in love and commitment in the hope of fixing the problems, but always to no avail.  No relationship can ever work in this way.  There was simply no balance.  These types of relationships held for me the kind of love that I felt I deserved and so I was drawn to them time and again and even if I resisted at the beginning, I still gave in, telling myself that this time it would be different and this time my love could make it work.

I have asked myself why it is that my relationships so often fail and now I know the answer.  It has become startlingly clear to me in these last few days.  These thoughts and revelations have led me to raise another question: what if each person I tried to make a relationship with also suffered from the same affliction that I did, that they too believed themselves undeserving of a healthy, nurturing kind of love?

Could it be that the problems I encountered in the relationships where I poured forth my love were caused not by something that I lacked or that I could not provide, but rather from the complete opposite?  That the problems were caused by something that I held and gave in abundance?  That the love on offer was too much for the other person because they thought that they were undeserving of such a love.  It occurred to me that it might actually be possible to scare someone off because of everything that was being offered.  I am someone who is very open and I talk often of love, hearts and of miracles.  Could it be that the very things in which I deeply believe, actually have an undesired effect because all of this cannot be accepted by the other person?  This is a completely new way of thinking for me.  It is so opposite to everything that I have always believed, that it almost doesn't feel right.  I am so used to thinking that the problems are always on my side, that I am the one who is undeserving of love,  that to think the complete opposite feels strange and alien.  I have thought back on my failed attempts at love and I can see that this might well have been true.  Despite everything that I put on the table, despite all of the love that I was offering, the people with whom I was in love with did not embrace it, they did not cherish what was being offered and they let it go.   

Perhaps this is why so many of us fail when it comes to relationships, why so many of us claim to not understand why we cannot enjoy a healthy, nurturing and long lasting kind of love?  It is perhaps simply because we are scared of what that will bring to us, because we feel that we are undeserving of such a love.  It is true that many people shy away from achieving their dreams out of the fear that the reality will never meet the dream.  But the truth is that for those of us who do go in search of our dreams, the reality by far exceeds the dream that we held.  My guess is that it is the same with love.  I have dreamed so long of how my love should be, throughout all of the years I have been single and searching for love, that perhaps when it is offered to me, I have a fear that it will never meet my expectations and if it will, then I cannot be deserving of such a love.  And so I do what I have to do, I sabotage my chance of happiness and deny myself the chance to find out, to walk in the reality of that love.

All of this leads me to the following conclusion: only when two people consider themselves to be worthy and deserving of the healthy and nurturing love that they create, can the relationship truly work.  When two people come together who understand and accept that they are deserving of love, then they will truly receive and embrace that love.  Each of them will give and receive love in equal measure, knowing in their hearts that they have found the only real purpose for which we all exist.  That purpose is to create love.  And at the moment of their realisation, as in all of life, everything will be one.

_________________________

My Love

My love

I fought for you

I gave to you all that I thought I could give

And then I gave to you even more

But my love was never enough

Love itself cannot mend a broken soul

Only our own heart can do that

Love is the glue that binds all things

And love is the soul of the universe

For those who know they are deserving

Love will keep the two hearts as one

Love will flow in and love will flow out

We give as we seek to receive

Give the best of yourself

Open your heart truly

Let the light of you shine forth

To illuminate the darkness without

And if you dare

Accept the love that is returned

Embrace the light that shines down on you

For you are worthy

And you are deserving

Simply because, you are you.

_________________________

What Is The One True Path?

Since I started to write this blog, I have been pouring out many of my inner most thoughts and feelings.  Until I had commenced the process of writing, I really had no clear vision of what it was that I was trying to accomplish or the direction that my writing would take.  All I knew was that I wanted to begin writing and to see where it would lead me.  I've written previously that when I write, I connect with my inner most self and every word comes directly from my heart, from the very essence of my being.  As this connection has occurred, I have begun to release some of the thoughts and ideas that have, until now, resided only inside of me as abstract and not necessarily coherent thoughts.  The process of writing has fused many of these ideas together.  One such idea is that of the one true path.

The concept of the one true path is not a new one and I do not seek to lay claim to it.  It is a term that repeatedly emerges in my writing and it therefore lies right at the heart of the matter.  Following your heart and walking the one true path are for me, interchangeable terms.  When you walk the one true path, you are living out your heart's desire.  You are turning your dreams in to your waking reality.  You are following the path that lies at the very root of your soul.  The one true path is the way of life that represents your soul.  It is the true you.

Each of us has one true path in life.  It is that which causes the heart to sing out loud with pure joy, when it enters our thoughts.  When you are walking your one true path, then you are in complete harmony with your heart.  Everything that you manifest in your physical life becomes completely synchronised with your spiritual being.  You truly become one.  And in the moment that you discover this feeling of oneness, you will find the feelings of peace, tranquility, happiness, joy and love, that come to those that are walking their one true path in life.  The feelings come from knowing that what you are doing in your every waking moment, you are doing because it is what you truly want to do, that you were the architect of the life that you have created for yourself.  That you are fulfilling your true life purpose.  Simply put, that you have achieved your dreams.  To go in search of your one true path is the greatest gift that you can give to yourself.  By doing so, you are not only giving yourself the gift of love, you are projecting love back into the universe.  As we reap, so do we sow.

Although I use the term one true path, that does not necessarily mean that there is only ever going to be one single perfect dream for you to pursue.  As with all of life, every thing changes, and so it may be that your dreams change too.  What you set out to achieve might have been accomplished, or it was not as you imagined it would be when you arrived.  Then it is necessary to move on to the next dream.  If you look behind you, you will see one path leading back and away from you into your past life.  If you look ahead, then you will see a single path leading onwards into the distance where it disappears in to a veil of mist.  The path never changes and there can never be more than one path.  It is always, and forever will be, your own path.  As such, it will lead you wherever your heart wills.

Take a moment and imagine for yourself a path that leads ever winding through the trees of a dark forest.  You have never walked this path before, you are not sure where it leads, and you don't have a map to show you the way.  All you know is that you must continue on the path in order to reach your destination.  You look ahead, to see where the path is going to lead and, although you are able to see a short distance in front of you, quickly the path becomes obscured by the trees and shrouded in the gloom.  You have to trust that the path will not lead you astray.  You have to walk blindly on, never knowing for certain if you are going in the right direction.  Each step leads you further into the forest, each step takes you further away from where you have come from, each step takes your further from what you knew before.  But very importantly, each step that you take leads you one step closer to your destination.
 
Walking the one true path is like this.  You can never know exactly where it will lead you, all you know is that it instinctively feels right, because your heart tells you so.  It is difficult to describe when you know that a decision to be taken is the right one, or that the path you are on is the true one for you.  From my own experiences, I can only say that the feelings well up from deep within the core of your being.  You can feel a joy and an uplifting in your heart.  Instinctively and without conscious thought, you know that it is right.  I can think of two significant occurrences when I have needed to take a decision that would alter the course of my life and propel me forward towards achieving my dreams, even if I did not know that at the time.

The first, I have described previously and involved making the decision to leave my home in England and to move to Budapest.  During the day of my decision, I just felt it with every fibre of my being that it was the right decision for me.  It was not that I didn't consider anyone else in making the decision, it was simply that the feelings I had were completely overwhelming.  I said to myself, "I have to do this" and as soon as I spoke those words to myself, I knew it was the right answer.  It was as clear and as logical to me as 1, 2, 3.

The second time I was in Krabbe, Thailand and I needed to decide whether to continue travelling with my partner, or whether we should go our separate ways, so that I could pursue my new found passion of scuba diving.  Perhaps under different circumstances I would have made a different decision, but given everything that had led up to that point in time, I once again had a very similar overwhelming feeling that I had to choose to follow my passion.  It was so strong and undeniable.  I had to choose it for me.  It felt instinctively right to head back down into Malaysia and to go it alone.  There was no other decision I could make.  My heart told me so.

I was just thinking about how it is when I am at work now, doing the thing that I love to do, and I was trying to think how to describe how it feels to be doing a job that is your passion.  The easiest thing to say about it is that when I am at work, I project love.  I love what I do, I love being where I am, I love engaging with people and helping them.  Everything that I do is done with love.  That might sound strange but it is the only way I can describe it.  I gave myself the ultimate gift by choosing to follow my dream and to walk my own one true path.  The gift is love and so the love flows out of my and into everything that I do, when I am doing the thing that I love.  Perhaps it is easier to imagine how it feels when you are preparing a surprise or doing something for that someone special that you love.  You put the love that you feel for that person into the thing that you are doing. The way you might wrap a present, the way you prepare and cook a dinner, the message that you write inside of a card.  You inject the love that you feel into what you do for them.  That is the best way I can describe it.   

If someone were to ask me how do you know when you are on your one true path? I would ask them to tell me how they know when they are in love?  The answer is simply that you just know it.  You know it from deep inside of your heart, you feel it with every fibre of your soul.  You live it and you breath it.  The one true path is exactly the same, because following the one true path is an act of love. 

There is something else too.  When you are walking your one true path, the happiness that you feel runs incredibly deep within you.  It allows you to overcome obstacles and deal with problems that may have caused a major upset in your old life.  The happiness that you feel is so empowering it feels as though nothing can touch it.  It is not some short lived moment of happiness that comes from buying something new for yourself for example, it is a deeply entrenched happiness that permeates through everything that you do.  Disappointments still occur in your life but you are more easily able to overcome them because what you are doing is your dream and that is more powerful than you can possibly imagine.  Even if you have a momentary feeling of disappointment or sadness, it will be swept aside by the power that comes from following your heart.

Discovering your one true path in life is not the end of the journey, for the journey can never end. Finding your one true path marks the beginning of a life in perfect harmony with your heart.  A life full of deep, spiritual meaning and a life full of love. Why would you deny yourself such a life?  Awaken your heart for the heart leads us always true.  Listen to it, trust it, and never doubt it.  Rise to the possibilities of life.  Release the power of love.  Walk your one true path.

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