It Is Not Only About You

There are times when we find ourselves in a situation that has us completely dumbfounded by what has happened.  There is a natural tendency to look inwards for the answers and to hold firm to the belief that what has gone wrong, must be of our own doing.  Was it something that I said?  Was it something that I did?  Is it the way that I look?  These questions run through our minds as we try to figure out what has occurred.  This is exactly what happened to Beth.    

Beth's Story

Beth placed her phone back on the coffee table, the one that she had purchased from a second hand store several years ago and was made to look like it had been painstakingly hand crafted by a member of a far off indigenous tribe, when in reality, it was probably mass produced in China, by the same pair of hands that turned out hundreds of identical items each week.  The coffee table that is, not the phone.  Beth was bemused to say the least.  The conversation had not gone the way she had planned, the way she had heard it when she had played it out minutes earlier in her head.  Then everything had made sense, now, nothing made sense and as she lingered on those thoughts some more, the feelings of sadness, hurt and frustration grew.

It had all started so positively.  In fact, Beth had been blown away completely by Michael. They had met in a bar one evening, chatted, exchanged numbers, met up for a coffee one afternoon and had subsequently begun seeing each other.  Countless messages had been exchanged, back and forth, forth and back, like a game of electronic ping pong.  They spoke on the phone in the evenings, shared jokes, told each other about their day, and after a few dates, it seemed to Beth that they were growing close.  It had all been a whirlwind she had to admit.  Never before had she met someone with whom she felt such an affinity.  Someone with whom she shared so many common interests and hobbies, political views, religious views, a love of the out doors and nature, music, TV, films, books, someone who said exactly what she was thinking the moment before she could speak those same words.  It was the discussions on old movies that they had seen that she enjoyed the very most.  Beth never thought that she would find someone who liked to watch old black and white movies, and enjoyed spending afternoons in an independent movie theatre.  At one point while they had spoken, she had almost let out a gasp of pain, finding that she was pinching her own arm, believing that this was all too good to be true.  And now, it was.

Three days ago, it had all stopped.  Abruptly, suddenly and for no apparent reason that Beth could fathom.  It was as if Michael had simply evaporated, or been abducted by aliens in the middle of the night, replaced by a cardboard cut out replica.  The voice was the same but it was now hollow, distant, devoid of any emotion.  She had asked him if anything was wrong, "No", he had replied, "Of course not. Stop being so paranoid."  But Beth could not help it.  She replayed in her head the conversations that they had together, she went back over the times they had met, and she looked for some indication, some clue that things were about to go wrong.  There was nothing.  She wondered what she had said to him to make this happen, and she sat quietly on her sofa, staring at the phone on that stupid, cheap, replica coffee table, and she began to curse her ill-luck, to wonder why this always happened to her, and to ask herself over and over, what it was that she had done wrong?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I've found myself in similar situations in the past.  Someone that I was building a relationship with either inexplicably backed away from me and became distant, or she just broke things off all together.  Each time it happened, I suffered in the same way.  I questioned myself, I searched for words that I might have said that could have caused some offense or could have been misconstrued.  I looked back over my actions and behaviours and tried to find in them anything that could have been misinterpreted or misunderstood.  I asked myself what it was that I had done to cause yet another good relationship prospect, to be flushed away down the tubes?

The answer to that question was nothing, absolutely nothing.  It was never about me.  My lack of self-esteem and low self-confidence had me utterly convinced that the fault was of my own making.  Each time I met someone new, I placed them on a pedestal and held them up as a paragon of virtue and goodness.  I idolised them and I was unable to see any of their faults.  For whatever reasons, I blinded myself to the truth, I didn't want to see it, I didn't want to recognise it or to accept it, because to do so, would be to destroy my picture postcard, perfect image of the person that had shown interest in me.  I made the problem about me because I could not believe that my idol could in some way not be perfect.  It had to be about me, something I had done or not done, it had to be my fault.

The truth is, that it was never about me.  In fact, I had no right to make it about me.  I had never thought about it in this way before, until I was riding a bus this morning and the thoughts started coming to me.  As I gazed out of the window, looking across the rural Costa Rican countryside, it occurred to me that I had been self-centred, imagining that the entire universe evolved around me.  At these times, I had completely forgotten that there was another person involved, another actor in the play of our relationship.  A person who had her own unique set of issues and psychological problems.  What right did I have to assume that I was the only one? 

The mistake that I made over and over, was to make it about me.  By doing that, I tried to set things right, I worked hard to figure out the other person, I psychoanalysed them, looking for reasons behind their behaviour and by doing so, I sought to find ways in which I could make a difference.  I kept coming at them, I continually asked questions and probed for answers, I said things in a way that would try to provoke some kind of response, I pushed and demanded their time and attention, I desperately wanted things to be the way they were before.  The more I pushed, the more distant they became and to counteract that, I pushed harder.  It became a vicious cycle with only one outcome - something had to break and that would eventually be me.

If only I could have seen that it was not about me.  How could I not see that what I was giving was goodness and that all I had to give was nothing other than my true self?  Not some aspect of myself that I thought the other person would like and enjoy.  If I did that, if I was honest and tried hard, then what person would not want to be with me?  Of course, when it comes to affairs of the heart, there is no logic, there is no rhyme nor reason, it is always just is how it is.  From giving myself honestly and truly, if a problem was to occur, then it would become apparent that the problem was not created by my actions.  And if it was?  Then clearly that person on which I was giving my affection and attention was neither suitable for me, nor were they worthy of me.  Then, I would be able to walk away, knowing that I tried and that there was nothing more that I could do.  That is what I should have done, that is what I failed to do.

This might seem blatantly obvious, but what I have come to finally realise, is that no one is better than anyone else.  There is no pedestal on which to place another.  Everyone has faults and weaknesses.  Every single person is flawed and less than perfect.  I know that I am, so why has it taken me so long to understand and see that of other people?  I know that answer, it lies in many of the other blog posts that I have written.  The simple logic is that if I am flawed, if I suffer from psychological problems and afflictions, then so too does everyone else, to some degree.

If and when things go wrong, do not make the mistake of assuming it is something that you have done, nor something that you can necessarily fix.  Every person needs to have the time and the space to figure things out for themselves and to resolve their issues.  Of course, it would be preferable if they were to do that before they entered into a relationship, but unfortunately, that is not how life works.  If is through our close relationships with others, that we are often able to see ourselves.

When someone alters their behaviour towards you, if they grow cold and begin to distance themselves, do not make the assumption that it is you.  You are not the centre of the universe, despite what you might like to believe.  If you have been your true self, then the relationship was never meant to work, there is an incompatibility that you will never be able to overcome, unless the other person fixes themselves, or they come to you and talk about their problems, involving you directly, seeking answers and help, so that you may work it out together.  Let that person go and if you are able, give them time and space, don't crowd them, don't fuss after them.  If it persists, then it is time to let go of them completely and to move on.  There is nothing more that you can do.  Open your heart and let them fly free.  Let them figure themselves out.  And when your heart is open, who knows what just might flutter back in?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

That weekend, Beth caught the 5:15pm showing of Harvey on the Sunday afternoon.  It had long been her favourite movie and she could not believe that the Regency House Cinema was having a James Stewart special that day.  As she laughed along hysterically to the antics of a grown man who could see a mysterious giant talking pooka, and she revelled in the feel good factor of the old film, she felt a wave of freshness and relief wash through her.  This is what she loved to do, and if Michael was too dumb and wrapped up in himself and whatever issues he had going on, then so be it.  She really didn't need that or him!  Beth left the theatre, a broad grin still across her face, and as rummaged in her purse for her bus ticket, she walked straight into the back of a man standing on the sidewalk.  As the man turned around, Beth found herself looking up and falling into the deepest eyes that she had ever seen.  "Hi", she said but a different thought spun through her mind, Michael?  Michael who?

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Confidence in Self

Some people are just born lucky.  Good fortune and luck always seems to come their way.  They are the people who get the breaks, gain promotions, get the girl (or guy) and seemingly have opportunities fall into their laps.  There is a saying that fortune favours the brave.  But bravery alone is not the answer.  When it comes to matters of good fortune and luck, bravery has a partner, and that partner goes by the name Self Confidence.

When I reflect on my own life, it is absolutely clear to me that my self confidence has played a key role in two distinct areas of my life, those of work and love.  In terms of my self confidence, these two areas are poles apart, as different as night and day, and because of this, the luck and the opportunities afforded me, are remarkably different too.  In the one where I consider myself to possess a high degree of self confidence, I seem to have been blessed with some very good fortune and many great opportunities, which I recognised and seized upon.  In the other, where my confidence is low, if not lacking entirely, I consider myself cursed by ill luck and misfortune, where opportunities are few and far between. 

When I first started my working life, I suffered from a general lack of self confidence.  But what I found in the office and among my fellow colleagues, was that I was able to leave behind everything that had gone before and I entered a new world, a world where I quickly felt comfortable, a place where I felt I belonged.  More importantly perhaps, was that in the office, no one knew who I was.  None of the people who had been in my life, putting me down, teasing me, telling me I was no good, were around.  I was able to be myself, to start over with a clean slate.  I discovered that here was a place where I was respected, where I was able to learn and understand the processes and how things were done, and where my way of thinking allowed me to excel.  My confidence began to grow and as it grew, so I worked hard and pushed hard, and in return, so too did the responsibilities that I was given increase.  The more responsibilities that I had, the more my confidence in myself and what I was doing grew.  I entered a phase of positivity, where my success grew my confidence, which in turn led directly to further success.  I was able to see potential opportunities and I worked hard to make them mine.  With my confidence, I pushed and I made it known that I was ambitious, that I had the ability, and I proved it to my superiors and to myself.  I felt as though there was nothing that I could not do and I believed that I was just as able, if not more able, than anyone else.  In this guise, I possessed the confidence to stand up in front of 800 fellow employees and deliver a presentation; I could voice valid points and concerns at important meetings; I could dial in to teleconferences with some of the corporation's vice presidents and they would seek my opinions on certain subjects where I was deemed an expert in my field; I was offered and secured an international assignment overseas; and I held multiple management positions.  In short, from humble beginnings, I was able to enjoy a successful career, one in which opportunities arrived and one in which I feel I benefited from great fortune and luck to have experienced. 

Then there is my love life.  This is an area of my life in which I have zero confidence.  From my being overweight as a child and adolescent, and from asking girls on dates and being constantly rejected, my self confidence ebbed away and for many years, there was nothing that came along to replenish it.  With each new rejection, it became increasingly difficult for me to find the courage to ask again.  I began to believe that I must be ugly, worthless and offer nothing desirable to the opposite sex.  Even after I had my first girlfriend and first experience of love, this lack of confidence was so strong, I could do nothing to change it.  If I saw a girl I liked and was attracted to, I could not walk over to her.  I knew that if I did, I would not be able to find any words to speak, at least no words that I believed would be of any interest to her, and more than likely, my advances would be rejected anyway.  At a nightclub, if was dancing next to a girl I liked and another guy came along and began to show her interest, I would immediately back off, believing that the other guy had the better chance and that I should just save myself the embarrassment and humiliation.  Because of my actions in these situations, my chances and opportunities to find love remained low.  I did nothing to enhance them, nothing to grow my confidence.  So entrenched in my psyche was the idea that I was ugly and worthless, that I was unable to alleviate this way of thinking.  Every action that I took, served only to compound and exacerbate the problem.  And it remains this way even now.   


Let me use a recent situation from my own life to illustrate how confidence plays its part in luck and fortune.  Only a few weeks ago, there was a girl, Marie Claire, who came out diving one morning, and whilst I was giving the dive briefing prior to our first dive, I felt a strong sense of attraction towards her.  It was a powerful, overwhelming feeling, one that I had not experienced since the break up with my ex last year.  As I was in my work mode, I was confident, happy, and engaging, easily making conversation with everyone, keeping everyone entertained.  The attraction to Marie Claire continued throughout the morning and by the time we surfaced from our second dive, I had decided that I would ask if she would like to have a drink with me that evening (as I knew she was leaving Costa Rica the following day), when a suitable moment presented itself.  However, the closer we came back to shore, the more I felt my confidence beginning to ebb slowly away.  By the time everyone was back at the dive centre, my confidence, which had been brimming over back on the boat, out in the ocean, was now almost non-existent.  A perfect opportunity arose to talk to Marie Claire, as she was standing quietly and alone outside.  I looked at her standing there and I made the assumption that if she was interested in me, then she would not be standing outside on her own, away from where I was.  I wanted to act, but I froze, my self confidence was gone and with it, my ability to walk out to talk with her.  In this moment of self doubt, and in this moment of hesitation, so too was my opportunity lost.  Marie Claire left and I was left wondering what might have been.

A few days later, I needed to ask Marie Claire something related to the diving the day that she had been with me, and so began a conversation via e-mail.  After a few exchanges, I decided to let her know that I had wanted to ask her for a drink, because I knew now that since she was back home in the States, nothing could come of it and I thought it would be nice for her to know the impression that she had left on me.  Marie Claire replied that she had been thinking the same, that she too was going to ask me for a drink that evening, and that I should have asked her.  An opportunity was missed, a chance wasted, the curse of my bad luck had struck again.  And why?  Only because I severely lack confidence in myself when it comes to matters relating to the opposite sex. 

How many opportunities have I missed due to my complete lack of self confidence?  How many times could I have crossed the dance floor to ask a girl to dance with me?  How many times could I have asked a girl to have a drink with me?  Too many.  In the same way that I consider myself very lucky in my work life, I consider myself unlucky in the extreme in my love life.  But this is actually nothing to do with luck.  I have experienced just the same amount of luck and opportunity as the next person.  What separates them from me is our own level of self confidence, our ability to believe in ourselves.  The lucky guy who always gets the girl, is the confident guy.  Confidence breeds opportunity, since those people who are confident will push themselves and will take the opportunities that come their way.  A lack of confidence means less opportunity, and less opportunity inevitably is seen as meaning less luck.  It really is very simple.
If you find yourself cursing your poor luck or the lack of opportunities in your life, ask yourself whether that is actually the truth, or whether perhaps, the truth is more a question of your confidence in the given situation.  How do you build confidence?  The only way is to push through the doubt and the fear and to seek the truth for yourself.  Even if what you find is not that which you looked for, knowing that you sought it in the first place makes all of the difference.  And each time you try, each time you push yourself forward, you will generate opportunity and with that opportunity will come luck and success.  That is how confidence is created.  Through trying, we dispel all fears of failure.  We learn to understand that through trying, we create more opportunities, we increase the probability of success, and therefore reduce the chances of failure.

Watch a baby trying to learn to walk. It totters on its legs, takes a step, perhaps it falls.  It gets up again, totters, takes a step, then another.  Maybe it falls again. But the baby has learned something very important.  It has learned that it could take two steps, the next time it will try to make three.  Slowly and surely, the baby grows confident and learns to walk.  We each must do the same in our lives.  If you lack confidence, do not shy away from the fight.  Instead, climb to your feet, take a stand, and take a step forward.  Perhaps you will fall and be defeated.  But perhaps you will not.  Perhaps you will be victorious.  Unless you try, you will never know.  And from each step that you take, you will grow your confidence.  The journey along the one true path is just a series of small steps after all.

I shall not regret that I did not ask Marie Claire to have a drink that day, since regret is useless and wasteful, but I shall do my best to not let it happen again.  After all, fortune favours the self confident, right?

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The Discovery Of Self

For so long, I believed that the path to finding love was all about boy meets girl.  I thought that the way to discover love, was through meeting another person and joining our hearts together.  My life's journey has taught me to see that before this discovery of love can occur, another, more important discovery has to be made.  The discovery of self.

In my life, I tried hard to please people and one way I found of doing that, was to act in a way that pleased them.  As children, this is how we learn right from wrong, good from bad.  When we do something that is viewed as incorrect, we are admonished or punished.  When we do something that is right, we are praised and rewarded.  This encourages us to develop behaviours and thinking that makes us seek out the rewards.  It is a form of training.  We are trained to conform to the rules of society, to our family's beliefs, to a religious view, to a teacher's needs.  In this way, we develop and the characteristics of our true selves, those things that define who we actually are as a person, as slowly and surely hidden - if we find that they do not conform to that which is required of us.

I grew up with the firm belief implanted in my mind that I had to find a good job, leave home, find a partner, get married, buy a house, create a home, raise a family, and then to eventually retire.  Everything around me told me this was so, and I firmly believed it.  In order to fit in and conform, I adopted different personality traits to suit differing situations in which I found myself.  At home, at work, out socialising with friends, with extended family.  Then it might depend on whether I was with this colleague or that colleague, my boss, my parents, my brother, my sister, my friends, my uncles, my aunts, my grandparents, my cousins on my father's side, my cousins on my mother's side, my father's friends, my mother's friends. my brothers friends, my sisters friends, my girlfriend, my girlfriends friends, my girlfriends parents and so on.  Each of these people received a slightly different version of me.  Much of it was the same, but certain behaviours and personality traits were either hidden completely, muted down, or extenuated and amplified.

I knew that I did this.  I referred to myself as a chameleon, always able to adapt to a situation and the people involved in it.  I liked that I was able to do this and viewed it as a strength.  It meant that people were always comfortable with me.  That I was able to find a way to relate to everyone on some level.  I have never really thought about why I did this until now. 

So, why did I do it?  The truth is that I was not comfortable with being my true self.  I had established a dislike of my own self.  I craved love and attention and did not wish to upset anyone or to alienate them.  I was embarrassed to be me, I was afraid to be me.  I feared that the true me would not be liked, that I would be laughed at, that I would be made fun of, that I would suffer humiliation.

For years I went on trying to be someone else.  Essentially, I was living someone else's life. I was living from a script, reading lines, following cues and directions, acting for an audience.  I was not myself.  What chance did I ever have of finding love in another soul, and of expecting that other person to love me, if I did not even love myself or respect myself enough to be the real me?

Then everything began to change.  Chance, fortune, luck.  Was it these that changed my life or was it that I had reached a place and a time where my true self could no longer be held back?  I know that it is a combination of everything.  That is what life is.  It is not one single moment that defines us or alters us, it is everything that has led us to that point.  It is every joy, every happiness, every hope, every doubt, every sadness, every glory, every loss, every elation, every fear.  Whatever it was, the dam broke and I burst forth.  My heart had been released and I began to finally become myself.  I began to allow myself to be comfortable being me.

Through that subconscious decision to finally step into my own light, my whole world changed.  I began to see life not as an endless series of mind-numbing, unthinking and necessary acts that will take me from point A to point B, but rather as one miracle after another.  By becoming myself, I became life.  By becoming myself, I became the light.  And by becoming myself, I became love.  I allowed myself to make the ultimate discovery: That love is found from within.  Once that is love is discovered, then the love from without is found not in another, but rather in a reflection of your own soul and in your own love.  Love holds a mirror and in that mirror will be reflected all that you hold in your own heart.

To discover your true self, is the true path.  To know your true self, is your purpose.  To accept your true self, that take courage and it takes an act of love.  From my own personal journey, I can tell you one thing I know for sure. The moment that you accept yourself is the moment that your truly start to live and love.

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