Your Life, Your Story

There are days in our lives when it feels as if nothing is ever going to work out.  Sometimes, those days stretch into weeks or even months and the feeling becomes inescapable.  It seems as though there is no way out of the darkness that threatens to consume you, to overwhelm you, and to take you down to the bottom of the abyss from which there is no return.  When these times come upon us, and they surely will, just as the sun rises and sets each day, it is easy to despair, to blame ill-luck and bad fortune for all that has befallen you.  How is it then, that you can deal with the bleakness of these situations, how can you keep your head above the waters that threaten to engulf you?

The other day a thought occurred to me.  What if you were to imagine your life story as a novel that had already been written?  A stranger wanders over to a table in a cafe and picks up your book.  They leaf through the pages idly, stopping randomly at a certain point.  That point is now.  At this one point in the story, they know nothing of your past and nothing of your future.  All that they will know of your story is from the letters that they read, those words, lines and paragraphs that describe all that is happening right now.  The stranger in the cafe begins to read.  What will they find?  Who is the main character of your story? What type of story will they believe that they are reading - action, thriller, horror, adventure, romance, or tragedy?

This is exactly what is happening now, when you look at your own situation.  You are reading the chapter that concerns all that is occurring in the present moment.  Unlike the mysterious reader in the cafe, you already know the past, you understand perfectly all of those things, those actions, the decisions, those strange quirks and twists of fate, that brought you to where you are now and that made you into the person that you have become.  Only, just like our reader, you also do not know how the story is going to unfold, you can not know what the future holds in store for you.  If you could, would you even want to flick to the end, to read those last few lines, to discover how your story ends?

Life is like this.  You are here and it is now.  Ahead of you lies many more sentences that you must write.  How your story will unfold is not yet defined.  You hold the pen poised above the paper. The shapes that it makes are your own to make, those shapes create the letters that form the story.  There will be influences and occurrences that are out of your control, but all of these will be necessary to help you, to move the story forward.  Like now, as I write, thoughts come unbidden to my mind, that influence the direction of my writing.  So too will it be with your life, with the events that are yet to come.  You will subtly, subconsciously alter the fabric of the story, bend it to your will, to try to make it flow the way that you wish.  I know this to be true because it is exactly what I have done. I created my own situation through subconscious thought, through positioning myself so that I was more able to take the opportunities that came my way.  I was not aware of it until after, but when I looked back, it was obvious that that is what I had been doing.  I could not alter the events ahead of me, but I could ensure that I was in the best possible situation to take advantage of what came my way.  And in so doing, to reach out for my dreams.  Those events would have come to me, come at me, and perhaps I would not have been able to react in the same way.  I see this as the definition of fortune.  Fortune is the ability to see and to grasp opportunity.  No one, and I mean this truly, no one is born unlucky, no one sits with a dark cloud above their head.  That cloud is of your own making, the way that you view life.  And if you were the creator, so too can you be the destroyer.  You hold the key and you hold the power over it.  The choice is yours and yours alone.

I thought the other day about a very dark chapter in my own life, a time when I was utterly lost, when I could not see any way out of the black that had consumed me.  I was in despair.  Everything that I had cherished and loved was taken from me.  I didn't see it coming and it left me in a state of shock.  In this moment of my life, I thought I was cursed, I believed more than ever that nothing ever worked out for me, that I was unlucky, that there was little point in continuing.  Every night I went to bed, I did not want to wake up because I knew that when I did, the reality of my situation would dawn on my all over again, and it would take me down further.  Had I been in a cafe and picked up my own life story and begun reading at this point, I would have wondered how such a thing could have happened, why someone with a good heart, who always tried so hard for others, could have befallen such a disaster.  And probably, because I'm a sucker for an underdog story, I would want the foolish boy who believed so much in the promise of love, to succeed, to find his way out and to have a happy ending.  I needed that dark chapter of my life, as much as I need the light.  That particular chapter was necessary to bring me to here and to now.  All of these years later, my life has turned into a voyage of discovery and adventure.  I'm still looking for that happiness that can only be found in love, but as surely as eggs are eggs, I don't want my ending to come just yet.  I still have so much to do, so much more to write and so many stories to tell my children.   

And so do you.  There are pages upon pages of blank whiteness ahead of you.  What is behind is gone.  It is done.  Now, here you stand.  At your feet lie a shield and a sword, all around you are the sounds and sights of the raging battle that is life.  It is your decision on whether you fight for the life that you want, whether you raise your shield to ward off the blows that will surely come, whether your swing your sword to strike down your enemies that will try to stop you.  Write you own story.  Don't get caught up in the past, don't think about now.  Instead, look to your future, decide what it is that you want, picture where you wish to go, and then fight for it.  Each strike of the enemy parried by your shield forms a letter, each swing of the sword creates the sentence.  Your story, your book, your ending.  You are not defined by who you are now, you are defined by who you will become and the writing of that story is in your own hands.  So, go write it.

_________________________

The Lull After The Storm

After a storm comes a time of tranquility.  The dark clouds roll away, the flashes of lightning and the rumbles of thunder seek out new horizons, new eyes and ears to torment.  The rain ceases, the sky clears, the winds calm, and a stillness settles over all of life.  Peace comes again to the land.  And it is no different with the heart.  At times, when we walk the one true path, we must battle through a raging storm, so that we may find the peace that exists on the other side.  But for how long does that peace last?  Does the voice of our heart ever cease its constant urging? 

When we seek out our dreams, we must do battle with many elements, with many foes.  During the battle, the heart must know when to defend and parry the blows of our enemies, and it must know when the time is right to strike, to swing the sword that will ultimately defeat them, and lay them by the wayside.  The heart suffers during the struggle for our dreams, but ultimately, if you persevere, you will succeed - always.  After the final battle, when the dream has been realised, so to do you enter into a time of tranquility and peace.  You have achieved all that you set out to achieve, you have your heart's desire, you have arrived at the end of your path.  You can sit down and relax, you can look back upon the trials and the tribulations, the times of sufferings, the moments when you thought you had failed, the times of victories that kept you pushing on, you see and feel the scars of battle that you know you will carry for the rest of your days, and you feel a deep satisfaction at having arrived at the place that you intended, of having achieved your dream.  You will live out the rest of your days with all of this knowledge and you will be content and happy.

This is how I thought it was going to be.  After I achieved my dreams, I would find peace and contentment within my heart.  It is true, that I did for a short while, for a time I was happy and I did bask in the glow of my success - actually, I still do - but there is always a feeling that will not, that cannot ever go away.  It sits in my heart, sometimes quietened by the joys of knowing all that I have achieved, by the flying of my soul as it soars on the wings of our successes, but the voice is never truly gone.  Even in the times of great elation, I can hear its whisper of gentle urging.  It tells me that we are not yet finished, that there is still more to be done.  This voice speaks to me of other dreams yet to be fulfilled, of other quests that are yet to be begun, it shows to me that the path is not ended, and I hear the truth of its words, nay, I know the truth of its words.  These words fall heavily, raining down like a hammer on the anvil, each one ringing out with chimes and the weight of truth.

There was a time when I would never have described myself as ambitious or driven.  I was content to follow, happy to be a nameless part of the herd, lost within the safety of the many, never seeking to stand out and to be different.  But I could not remain that way.  Always, there was a feeling inside of me that I could, that I should, do more, that more importantly, I should be me.  I struggled for many years to find my voice, to be able to stand with confidence and to show the world who I was.  Eventually, I did, it was inevitable, I only needed to find the right place and to channel my energy.  From that day forth, I realised that many things were achievable in life, that I could rise above the afflictions, that I could distance myself away from all that I had been and known before, that I could be my true self.  With this realisation came ambition and a drive to achieve.  All of the problems and the sufferings I had known for those many years and overcome, fuelled me.  I knew that if I could overcome all of those things, then I could overcome anything, and so I began my journey, my quest to see just how far I could take things.  I became driven to succeed in whatever I set my heart upon.

With this drive, came the realisation of my dreams.  I did not look on it as such at the time, but that is exactly what it was.  My drive brought to me opportunity, promotions, overseas business travel, and as each of these occurred, I thought I had reached my plateau, achieved what I had set out to achieve.  My heart always had different ideas.  I was happy for a short time and then I yearned for more.  I knew that I needed to keep on moving forward in order to grow, I was an unstoppable snowball rolling down the mountainside. 

Even now, in a different life, on a very different path, I am just the same.  My heart sets itself upon an idea, a dream that I wish to bring to reality within my waking world, and as soon as the seed is sown, I am unable to shake it.  Of course, I can choose to ignore it, I can turn my head away and refuse to listen to that quiet voice inside of my heart, to ignore its urges and its calls to arms.  But I am unable to ignore it for long.  I know that eventually, I must come back to it, to water the seed that has put out its small tendrils within the soils of my soul, that has gotten itself fixed around my heart, and I must tend to it, I must nurture it, for it is me and I am it.

You see, life is like that.  The storm may pass us by but the truth is that the next one is soon to arrive.  The peace and tranquility we find in between is our time for respite, a chance to recover our strength, an opportunity to internally digest and comprehend the lessons that our previous battle has shown to us, it is a time for contemplation, for recovery and it is a time to look to the future, to the next storm, the next battle that is coming.  For the storm will always come and when it does, you must be ready.  A heart that walks the path is a heart that can never lie dormant for long, it can never sleep.  It knows that path and it wants to keep on seeking, to keep on taking that next step.  And like it or not, you are going to go with it.  It is the way of the dreamers.  It is the way of the heart. 

We, we of the path, of the dream, of the light, of the heart.  We hear the call and we follow.  With shield and sword do we walk to the battle, to confront our enemies.  Our shield we call Faith, our sword we call Courage.  We shall never truly be defeated, for we are the walkers of light, on our one true path.  For we are the heartstrong, and always shall the light show us the way.

_________________________

What To Do When The Smile Fades Away

It happens to all of us at one time or another.  One day, you are going along and all is well.  You are happy, you feel content, you walk lightly, you smile, and you roll along with all that life throws at you.  Then, one morning, no different to any other, you wake from your sleep and the world feels different.  Nothing has changed, at least, nothing around you has changed, but something is no longer as it once was.  You feel tired, the smile is gone from your lips, it feels like you are carrying a heavy burden, and it feels as if life is trying to beat you down.  The perception that the world feels different is not accurate.  It is not what is outside that has changed, it is what is inside that has altered.  What is different, is you. 

I know this feeling.  It happened to me yesterday and I still have it today.  I cannot say that anything significant has occurred, because it has not.  My situation is unchanged from the days that preceded yesterday, so why should I wake up and suddenly feel this way?  The smile is gone from my lips, fallen to the floor and lost.  The joy of life to which I was holding has slipped through the cracks of my fingers.  My heart is silent, its voice muted, it speaks to me no more words of comfort and urging.   What could have happened to cause this change in my persona, and what does all of this tell me?  I believe that I know the answer to those questions.

There has been no significant single event, rather a series of minor occurrences, each one chipping away at my resolve, each one like the water that runs over a rock, imperceptibly changing it, eroding it away over time.  My resolve is being tested, the faith that I have in my path is being questioned.  Each of these small things is nothing in itself, not worthy of merit, but over time and collectively, they add up to a continuous barrage of blows against my defensive shield.  They have worn me down, and gradually, they have caused me to falter. And falter is what I have done.  The arm that holds my shield lacks the strength to raise it once more, the hand that holds my sword can no longer parry the blows of my enemies.

Over the last few months, I have suffered setbacks.  The daily grind of my work situation is beginning to take its toll.  As much as I love the scuba diving here in Costa Rica and as much as I love teaching scuba, the lack of respect from my boss, the long hours, the continual struggle to get a day off, never knowing when that day will come, all of this has had an impact.  I have suffered rejection in my struggle to find love.  I have had a friendship tested and realised that it was founded on the wrong principles.  I have seen that same friend for the person who they truly are, and I have been affected by it negatively.  I have seen the anniversary of a dear departed friend's birthday.  My own birthday is later this month and I know that as that day approaches, so too does my sinking feeling.  I have recounted and relived the most painful and traumatic period of my life to another person for the very first time.  I have thought back to a year ago, to where I was and what I was doing, and I have realised that perhaps, just perhaps, I lost not only a friend but my love as well.  I have felt a sense of rejection by my family, as our lack of communication and inability to talk openly of love for each other continues.  Many things, each one small and each one easy to deal with individually.  Together, they form a mighty blow, one from which I am now suffering, forcing me to flee the battlefield and seek respite and shelter away from this storm.

There is good news and I know it.  By articulating what has been playing on my mind these past weeks, allows me to see and to confront my enemies.  The enemy unseen is the hardest one to defeat, since you cannot analyse their strengths and weaknesses, and you cannot find a strategy for defeating them.  I am fortunate in as much as I know my enemies, I can see them, I understand them and because of that, I can formulate plans to defend against them, and to attack and defeat them when the time is right.  Understanding your situation is a major part of what it takes to defeat the enemy and to win.  By analysing what is going on, I have been able to break down my enemy, to deconstruct him, and to see him as the sum of all of these parts.  Now I have a chance to take each one on its own and to work on my strategy for defeating it.

This is a very important strategy in life.  Often, it is all too easy to be blown away by everything that comes your way, but, by breaking it down in to smaller, more manageable pieces, you can work on each, and tackle it.  Each time that you do, you make a small win, and with each win, becomes a step forward.  It is the strategy of divide and conquer.  The art of war is to know when to push the fight and when to retreat and regroup.  I know that right now, I need to regroup, to rest, and to formulate a new set of strategies.  My dreams are still out there, they have not changed, they have not moved further away from me.  They are exactly where they always were, where they will always be, waiting until the moment is right, until I can reach out and take what has always been mine to take.

Writing this post has been a big help to me today.  I know that I created Walking The One True Path and began writing, because I have always believed in the power of writing down my own thoughts, in order to gain a better understanding of my subconscious mind.  I know that many artists do the same with drawing and painting.  It is therapy.  Self help.  And I know that it works - for me at least.  I also know that by sharing my thoughts, I have in the process helped others, and for that I am very happy.  It is a blessing to know it.  My smile is not yet back on my face.

I am still feeling tired, I still feel a little discouraged.  But, what has changed is that by sharing my burden, some of the weight has lifted.  When the time comes, the fight will go on, as it always must go on.  For now, I will just sit and rest a little while longer and recover.  When the moment is right, I will strike down my enemies and I shall walk ever on, basking in the glow of light, with my shield and my sword, and the power of love.

_________________________

A Letter To Life

This morning, I decided to write a letter to Life.
 

Dear Life,

You can knock me sideways and you can knock me down. Every time that you do, know that I will climb back to my feet and I will stand tall and firm once more, ready for the next blow.  For as surely as the sun shines, I know that the blow will come again.  And when it does, I will be ready.  When that blow comes, I will raise my shield of faith and I will deflect the blow.  I will wield my sword of hope and I will strike back at you.  The more we dance the dance of battle, the more I will learn.  Eventually, there will come a day when you will teach me all that I need to learn.  When that day comes I will finally vanquish you and I will stand victorious, in the knowledge that I persevered, that I never, for one moment gave up on my dreams.  That day will only come when I finally understand that truth of what it is that you show me.  When that day comes, when the moment is upon us, know this Life: I will defeat you.  

I want you to know and understand this Life, because there will be some days when I may be down, but you will never, ever, defeat me, as long as I hold onto faith and hope, and continue to follow my heart.

Always and forever your friend,

Andy.

_________________________