I know this feeling. It happened to me yesterday and I still have it today. I cannot say that anything significant has occurred, because it has not. My situation is unchanged from the days that preceded yesterday, so why should I wake up and suddenly feel this way? The smile is gone from my lips, fallen to the floor and lost. The joy of life to which I was holding has slipped through the cracks of my fingers. My heart is silent, its voice muted, it speaks to me no more words of comfort and urging. What could have happened to cause this change in my persona, and what does all of this tell me? I believe that I know the answer to those questions.
There has been no significant single event, rather a series of minor occurrences, each one chipping away at my resolve, each one like the water that runs over a rock, imperceptibly changing it, eroding it away over time. My resolve is being tested, the faith that I have in my path is being questioned. Each of these small things is nothing in itself, not worthy of merit, but over time and collectively, they add up to a continuous barrage of blows against my defensive shield. They have worn me down, and gradually, they have caused me to falter. And falter is what I have done. The arm that holds my shield lacks the strength to raise it once more, the hand that holds my sword can no longer parry the blows of my enemies.
Over the last few months, I have suffered setbacks. The daily grind of my work situation is beginning to take its toll. As much as I love the scuba diving here in Costa Rica and as much as I love teaching scuba, the lack of respect from my boss, the long hours, the continual struggle to get a day off, never knowing when that day will come, all of this has had an impact. I have suffered rejection in my struggle to find love. I have had a friendship tested and realised that it was founded on the wrong principles. I have seen that same friend for the person who they truly are, and I have been affected by it negatively. I have seen the anniversary of a dear departed friend's birthday. My own birthday is later this month and I know that as that day approaches, so too does my sinking feeling. I have recounted and relived the most painful and traumatic period of my life to another person for the very first time. I have thought back to a year ago, to where I was and what I was doing, and I have realised that perhaps, just perhaps, I lost not only a friend but my love as well. I have felt a sense of rejection by my family, as our lack of communication and inability to talk openly of love for each other continues. Many things, each one small and each one easy to deal with individually. Together, they form a mighty blow, one from which I am now suffering, forcing me to flee the battlefield and seek respite and shelter away from this storm.
There is good news and I know it. By articulating what has been playing on my mind these past weeks, allows me to see and to confront my enemies. The enemy unseen is the hardest one to defeat, since you cannot analyse their strengths and weaknesses, and you cannot find a strategy for defeating them. I am fortunate in as much as I know my enemies, I can see them, I understand them and because of that, I can formulate plans to defend against them, and to attack and defeat them when the time is right. Understanding your situation is a major part of what it takes to defeat the enemy and to win. By analysing what is going on, I have been able to break down my enemy, to deconstruct him, and to see him as the sum of all of these parts. Now I have a chance to take each one on its own and to work on my strategy for defeating it.
This is a very important strategy in life. Often, it is all too easy to be blown away by everything that comes your way, but, by breaking it down in to smaller, more manageable pieces, you can work on each, and tackle it. Each time that you do, you make a small win, and with each win, becomes a step forward. It is the strategy of divide and conquer. The art of war is to know when to push the fight and when to retreat and regroup. I know that right now, I need to regroup, to rest, and to formulate a new set of strategies. My dreams are still out there, they have not changed, they have not moved further away from me. They are exactly where they always were, where they will always be, waiting until the moment is right, until I can reach out and take what has always been mine to take.
Writing this post has been a big help to me today. I know that I created Walking The One True Path and began writing, because I have always believed in the power of writing down my own thoughts, in order to gain a better understanding of my subconscious mind. I know that many artists do the same with drawing and painting. It is therapy. Self help. And I know that it works - for me at least. I also know that by sharing my thoughts, I have in the process helped others, and for that I am very happy. It is a blessing to know it. My smile is not yet back on my face.
I am still feeling tired, I still feel a little discouraged. But, what has changed is that by sharing my burden, some of the weight has lifted. When the time comes, the fight will go on, as it always must go on. For now, I will just sit and rest a little while longer and recover. When the moment is right, I will strike down my enemies and I shall walk ever on, basking in the glow of light, with my shield and my sword, and the power of love.
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