The Deepest Desire

The old man bade me stop.  With the aid of his staff, on which he leaned heavily, he shuffled a few steps further forward and I felt the pain that must have been in those old arthritic bones.  With a swiftness of speed that defied his age, he whirled around to face me.  At that moment, everything shifted and became blurred.  I felt a sense of dizziness and I wanted to reach out to steady myself, but there was nothing to which I could hold.  I staggered, ready to fall.  "Stand up straight and look at me!", the old man spoke with such commanding authority that I was compelled to look, even though I wanted to drop to the ground on my knees.

I stared at the old man in wonder.  His robes were the same, yet his face was changed.  Gone were the deep lines that had been etched and carved into his leathery skin, the combined effects of wind, rain and sun, over countless passing of the seasons.  His eyes, that had been almost blind with milkiness, shone clear and bright, and there was a light that burned in them now, the like of which I had never seen.

I could not help but to stand transfixed, lost in the depths of those eyes, unable to look away.  The light seemed to burn into me, a dazzling blue electricity that reached into my soul.  I followed that light and together we plunged into the depths of my being.  It felt like falling into an endless abyss where time held no meaning.  At the moment that I thought we could fall no further, I found the words that I had long been seeking.  There they were, at the very root of my own soul, entwined in the fibre of my being, the words that my heart recognised and knew as its own.  Here at last was the answer to that which I had sought for too long.

"This is your truth, for the heart reveals the wisdom of eternity past and eternity future", it was the voice of the old man.  "It is not enough to feel the truth of them, it is necessary to speak the words out loud, to make these words your own."

I tore my eyes away from the old man and I looked up at the sky.  I felt the warmth of the sun, that giver of life and energy, and I spoke the words that had shaped my entire life and existence, the words of the deepest desire of my heart and my soul.

"To know love."

It was that simple.  Those three words encompassed everything and explained my entire life.  I could see it all plainly, my life history stretching backwards to the moment of my birth.  As I looked back in time, one thing was abundantly clear to me: throughout my entire life, I had been involved in a constant fight for love.  The love of my parents, the love of another heart, and perhaps most importantly, the love of myself.  I could see something else as well, I could see that I had been afraid of achieving my deepest desire out of the fear that it would never meet with my expectations.

All of this happened in an instant.  Even as the word love hung in the air, I turned back towards the old man, but the old man was no longer there.  Where a moment before he had stood leaning on his staff, a mighty tree now grew.  I stared in bewilderment.  I felt dazed and overwhelmed with emotion.  Perhaps it only occurred in my imagination, but as I stared at that tree, at its deep, furrowed, protective bark, I am certain that I saw the tree smile.

Walking back down the mountainside to return to the village, I knew that I would no longer be afraid.  From this day on, I would confront my desire and I would no longer run from it.  With courage as my companion, we would look love in the eyes and together, we would let ourselves fall into its warm embrace.

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To Fight, Or Not To Fight? That Is The Question

It has recently been brought to my attention, that two words more than any others tend to feature in my writing.  Those are the words love and fight.  I must wholeheartedly agree that I do use the word love frequently, since it is my belief that love is the driving force behind life, and as such, is one of the most important words ever written.  So then, what about the word fight?  Why would that word occur so often and is my use of it indicative of some deeper subconscious thinking, some underlying thought that shapes my life?

Fight.  I went to the internet and typed it into Google and I found this as the second part of a definition: struggle to overcome, eliminate, or prevent.  It is the first term used here that instinctively connects with me - the struggle to overcome.  When I write about the fight, I am writing about the need to overcome all of the barriers and impediments to achieving your dreams and your goals in life.  Given enough time and determination, it is possible to succeed, and to find yourself walking on your one true path, that path which will lead you to glory, and to the discovery of the light that resides within.  In his writing, Paulo Coelho refers to this as 'fighting the good fight', and it is this sentiment that I often echo in my own writing through the expression of my own thoughts and experiences.  Walking the path is not easy.  Many times you will find yourself challenged, banging your head against a seemingly impenetrable barrier, and these are the times when it is necessary to take a stand and fight for what it is that your heart would have you do.    

 

When I was first confronted with the idea that I am constantly fighting, my initial reaction was one of dismissal.  I try to live my life in as peaceful, calm and quiet existence as is possible, but at the same time, I also knew that the words that I read touched a nerve and rankled me.  They could only do that if there was an element of truth in them, and I knew, deep down inside that there was a real truth in them.  My whole life has been a fight, or perhaps it is better to describe it as a series of fights.  I fought for the love and affection of my parents; I fight to be accepted by my brother; I continually fight against seeing myself as overweight; I fought my way from working on a factory production line and to a successful career; I fought to give up smoking; I fought to gain recognition and acceptance from my superiors and peers at work; I fought against the voice inside of my heart that told me all I had to do was to be myself; I fought to win the heart of girls and women who perhaps did not deserve me; I still fight to see my own reflection as something other than unattractive; I fight to see my soul as better than worthless.  In short, my entire life has been and still is a fight, and the one fight that governs it all, the one overarching theme, is the fight for love and acceptance.    

My friend wrote that it seemed to her that I was always fighting for love and for life, and that perhaps I should try to see them as friends, rather than the fire breathing dragon against which I, like a knight from Arthurian legend, am always fighting.  I read her e-mail once, I went away and I read it again a little time later.  As I read through this second time, a ray of sunlight shone out from behind the clouds, shooting forth its life giving golden beam of light.  It was as though I had been stripped down naked and my soul laid bare.  A truth had been revealed to me and I felt the weight of its meaning and the repercussions that will surely come from the discovery of it.

Throughout my entire life, or at least for as long as my memory allows me to know, I have seen and portrayed myself as an underdog.  I am Rocky Balboa, plucked from obscurity to take on the heavy weight champion of the world, Apollo Creed; I am Luke Skywalker up against the might of the Empire; Ernest Shackleton and his men, lost and alone in the Antarctic, battling against hunger, the bitter cold, and the extremities of life at the South Pole; I see myself as the hapless guy from one of those romantic comedies that Hollywood churns out, who falls for the girl that fails to see him for all that he is, until finally the light dawns and he wins her over; I am the archetypal superhero, who must surely be counted down and out, whose cause seems to be all but lost, before rising once more to vanquish his enemy.  I have always had great empathy for the underdogs in life, for I count myself as one in their number. 

The way in which I have lived my life, can perhaps best be summed up by a verse from Walt Whitman's poem, A Song Of Joys:- 

O to struggle against great odds, to meet enemies undaunted!
To be entirely alone with them, to find how much one can stand!
To look strife, torture, prison, popular odium, face to face!
To mount the scaffold, to advance to the muzzles of guns with perfect nonchalance!
To be indeed a God!

Until now.  The light that switched on in my head has revealed to me the errors that I have been making.  Why should I find myself fighting for the love of a person who is not reciprocating in kind?  A love not given freely is no love worth attaining.  Why should I persist in destroying the foundations on which my life stands, only to have to build it up once more?  What I realised is that there are certain times and situations that will require me to fight - the bringing to fruition of my dreams and the yearnings of my heart are those times.  In all other situations, I must cease my fighting.  There is a need for acceptance and through this acceptance, I believe I can begin to find some peace in my heart.  If I have to fight for the recognition of my achievements, if I have to fight in order for someone to see me for the person who I am, then these people truly do not deserve me.  They have no right to have a place in my life and my continuation with them serves me no purpose.  If fact, it is detrimental, negative, and hurtful.  Certainly things I really could do without.  There is enough to get on with in life, without having these kinds of people involved.  It does not necessarily mean that I will eliminate them entirely, for surely some of these people I cannot eliminate from my life, but it does mean that I have to ignore them and not to think of their reactions to me as a sense of failure on my part.  I cannot waste my energy trying to make people like me and want to spend time with me.  Either you do, or you do not and if you do, then surely I will know it, I will never have to question it, and I will never have to chase you.

That is a new realisation.  A sense of failure on my part.  Yes, that is exactly how I have always seen it.  That is why I fight so hard.  I try to show everyone that rightness of myself, my thoughts and my beliefs.  I feel a strong need to justify myself and my actions.  I am driven by this need to not be a failure, to be somehow better, stronger, more self-sufficient, more able.  I can see that now and I am able to see how it has governed and shaped my entire life.  I need to work on this understanding, to know that it is perfectly acceptable for someone not to like everything that I do or say, to accept that I cannot make everyone like me, that it is perfectly normal to fail sometimes, and perhaps most importantly of all, that it is okay to show weakness and vulnerability to others.  I cannot always be the rock, nor can I always be the shoulder on which others seek to lean.  If someone does not see me for who I am and all I can offer, that is not my failure, that is their failure to open their eyes fully and to see the person that stands before them.

I need to let things take their natural course.  I have to back off and allow situations to play out naturally and of their own free will.  There is no amount of force that I can bring to bear against another person's heart that could possibly alter what is written there.  Love either exists, or it does not.  There is either a desire to be with me, or there is not.  You can accept me, or you cannot.  Someone will either want to be part of my life, to know me, to understand the person that I am, or they will not.  What I have to be able to do is to find peace and acceptance with that, rather than perceiving it as a challenge, as another barrier to be overcome.  Perhaps this all sounds so simple and obvious, and I suppose it is now that I have written it down and thought it through, but when you live your own life, those things that you do out of pure instinct and old, rigid and habitual behaviours, are incredibly hard to see, let alone change.

Peace with love and peace with life.  It is for those things that I shall choose to seek and strive.  And it is my belief, that in so-doing, I will also find an inner peace within myself and most importantly, within my heart.  Perhaps it is the tormented soul that brings out the poet in me, perhaps I have not been alone in my struggles with life and how I have seen myself, perhaps I share that with other poets and tortured souls.  That does not necessarily justify that thinking, nor does it make it right.  So Walt, I say this to you.  You can keep your struggles against great odds, and you can indeed go alone to meet enemies undaunted, for I make this promise to myself: I will look for peace in love and peace in life and fight only for that next step which takes me just a little further along the path of my dreams.  If you want to walk with me, then do so because you truly wish to be there, for if not, I am done fighting to have you in my life and I bid you adieu.

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Your Life, Your Story

There are days in our lives when it feels as if nothing is ever going to work out.  Sometimes, those days stretch into weeks or even months and the feeling becomes inescapable.  It seems as though there is no way out of the darkness that threatens to consume you, to overwhelm you, and to take you down to the bottom of the abyss from which there is no return.  When these times come upon us, and they surely will, just as the sun rises and sets each day, it is easy to despair, to blame ill-luck and bad fortune for all that has befallen you.  How is it then, that you can deal with the bleakness of these situations, how can you keep your head above the waters that threaten to engulf you?

The other day a thought occurred to me.  What if you were to imagine your life story as a novel that had already been written?  A stranger wanders over to a table in a cafe and picks up your book.  They leaf through the pages idly, stopping randomly at a certain point.  That point is now.  At this one point in the story, they know nothing of your past and nothing of your future.  All that they will know of your story is from the letters that they read, those words, lines and paragraphs that describe all that is happening right now.  The stranger in the cafe begins to read.  What will they find?  Who is the main character of your story? What type of story will they believe that they are reading - action, thriller, horror, adventure, romance, or tragedy?

This is exactly what is happening now, when you look at your own situation.  You are reading the chapter that concerns all that is occurring in the present moment.  Unlike the mysterious reader in the cafe, you already know the past, you understand perfectly all of those things, those actions, the decisions, those strange quirks and twists of fate, that brought you to where you are now and that made you into the person that you have become.  Only, just like our reader, you also do not know how the story is going to unfold, you can not know what the future holds in store for you.  If you could, would you even want to flick to the end, to read those last few lines, to discover how your story ends?

Life is like this.  You are here and it is now.  Ahead of you lies many more sentences that you must write.  How your story will unfold is not yet defined.  You hold the pen poised above the paper. The shapes that it makes are your own to make, those shapes create the letters that form the story.  There will be influences and occurrences that are out of your control, but all of these will be necessary to help you, to move the story forward.  Like now, as I write, thoughts come unbidden to my mind, that influence the direction of my writing.  So too will it be with your life, with the events that are yet to come.  You will subtly, subconsciously alter the fabric of the story, bend it to your will, to try to make it flow the way that you wish.  I know this to be true because it is exactly what I have done. I created my own situation through subconscious thought, through positioning myself so that I was more able to take the opportunities that came my way.  I was not aware of it until after, but when I looked back, it was obvious that that is what I had been doing.  I could not alter the events ahead of me, but I could ensure that I was in the best possible situation to take advantage of what came my way.  And in so doing, to reach out for my dreams.  Those events would have come to me, come at me, and perhaps I would not have been able to react in the same way.  I see this as the definition of fortune.  Fortune is the ability to see and to grasp opportunity.  No one, and I mean this truly, no one is born unlucky, no one sits with a dark cloud above their head.  That cloud is of your own making, the way that you view life.  And if you were the creator, so too can you be the destroyer.  You hold the key and you hold the power over it.  The choice is yours and yours alone.

I thought the other day about a very dark chapter in my own life, a time when I was utterly lost, when I could not see any way out of the black that had consumed me.  I was in despair.  Everything that I had cherished and loved was taken from me.  I didn't see it coming and it left me in a state of shock.  In this moment of my life, I thought I was cursed, I believed more than ever that nothing ever worked out for me, that I was unlucky, that there was little point in continuing.  Every night I went to bed, I did not want to wake up because I knew that when I did, the reality of my situation would dawn on my all over again, and it would take me down further.  Had I been in a cafe and picked up my own life story and begun reading at this point, I would have wondered how such a thing could have happened, why someone with a good heart, who always tried so hard for others, could have befallen such a disaster.  And probably, because I'm a sucker for an underdog story, I would want the foolish boy who believed so much in the promise of love, to succeed, to find his way out and to have a happy ending.  I needed that dark chapter of my life, as much as I need the light.  That particular chapter was necessary to bring me to here and to now.  All of these years later, my life has turned into a voyage of discovery and adventure.  I'm still looking for that happiness that can only be found in love, but as surely as eggs are eggs, I don't want my ending to come just yet.  I still have so much to do, so much more to write and so many stories to tell my children.   

And so do you.  There are pages upon pages of blank whiteness ahead of you.  What is behind is gone.  It is done.  Now, here you stand.  At your feet lie a shield and a sword, all around you are the sounds and sights of the raging battle that is life.  It is your decision on whether you fight for the life that you want, whether you raise your shield to ward off the blows that will surely come, whether your swing your sword to strike down your enemies that will try to stop you.  Write you own story.  Don't get caught up in the past, don't think about now.  Instead, look to your future, decide what it is that you want, picture where you wish to go, and then fight for it.  Each strike of the enemy parried by your shield forms a letter, each swing of the sword creates the sentence.  Your story, your book, your ending.  You are not defined by who you are now, you are defined by who you will become and the writing of that story is in your own hands.  So, go write it.

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What To Do When The Smile Fades Away

It happens to all of us at one time or another.  One day, you are going along and all is well.  You are happy, you feel content, you walk lightly, you smile, and you roll along with all that life throws at you.  Then, one morning, no different to any other, you wake from your sleep and the world feels different.  Nothing has changed, at least, nothing around you has changed, but something is no longer as it once was.  You feel tired, the smile is gone from your lips, it feels like you are carrying a heavy burden, and it feels as if life is trying to beat you down.  The perception that the world feels different is not accurate.  It is not what is outside that has changed, it is what is inside that has altered.  What is different, is you. 

I know this feeling.  It happened to me yesterday and I still have it today.  I cannot say that anything significant has occurred, because it has not.  My situation is unchanged from the days that preceded yesterday, so why should I wake up and suddenly feel this way?  The smile is gone from my lips, fallen to the floor and lost.  The joy of life to which I was holding has slipped through the cracks of my fingers.  My heart is silent, its voice muted, it speaks to me no more words of comfort and urging.   What could have happened to cause this change in my persona, and what does all of this tell me?  I believe that I know the answer to those questions.

There has been no significant single event, rather a series of minor occurrences, each one chipping away at my resolve, each one like the water that runs over a rock, imperceptibly changing it, eroding it away over time.  My resolve is being tested, the faith that I have in my path is being questioned.  Each of these small things is nothing in itself, not worthy of merit, but over time and collectively, they add up to a continuous barrage of blows against my defensive shield.  They have worn me down, and gradually, they have caused me to falter. And falter is what I have done.  The arm that holds my shield lacks the strength to raise it once more, the hand that holds my sword can no longer parry the blows of my enemies.

Over the last few months, I have suffered setbacks.  The daily grind of my work situation is beginning to take its toll.  As much as I love the scuba diving here in Costa Rica and as much as I love teaching scuba, the lack of respect from my boss, the long hours, the continual struggle to get a day off, never knowing when that day will come, all of this has had an impact.  I have suffered rejection in my struggle to find love.  I have had a friendship tested and realised that it was founded on the wrong principles.  I have seen that same friend for the person who they truly are, and I have been affected by it negatively.  I have seen the anniversary of a dear departed friend's birthday.  My own birthday is later this month and I know that as that day approaches, so too does my sinking feeling.  I have recounted and relived the most painful and traumatic period of my life to another person for the very first time.  I have thought back to a year ago, to where I was and what I was doing, and I have realised that perhaps, just perhaps, I lost not only a friend but my love as well.  I have felt a sense of rejection by my family, as our lack of communication and inability to talk openly of love for each other continues.  Many things, each one small and each one easy to deal with individually.  Together, they form a mighty blow, one from which I am now suffering, forcing me to flee the battlefield and seek respite and shelter away from this storm.

There is good news and I know it.  By articulating what has been playing on my mind these past weeks, allows me to see and to confront my enemies.  The enemy unseen is the hardest one to defeat, since you cannot analyse their strengths and weaknesses, and you cannot find a strategy for defeating them.  I am fortunate in as much as I know my enemies, I can see them, I understand them and because of that, I can formulate plans to defend against them, and to attack and defeat them when the time is right.  Understanding your situation is a major part of what it takes to defeat the enemy and to win.  By analysing what is going on, I have been able to break down my enemy, to deconstruct him, and to see him as the sum of all of these parts.  Now I have a chance to take each one on its own and to work on my strategy for defeating it.

This is a very important strategy in life.  Often, it is all too easy to be blown away by everything that comes your way, but, by breaking it down in to smaller, more manageable pieces, you can work on each, and tackle it.  Each time that you do, you make a small win, and with each win, becomes a step forward.  It is the strategy of divide and conquer.  The art of war is to know when to push the fight and when to retreat and regroup.  I know that right now, I need to regroup, to rest, and to formulate a new set of strategies.  My dreams are still out there, they have not changed, they have not moved further away from me.  They are exactly where they always were, where they will always be, waiting until the moment is right, until I can reach out and take what has always been mine to take.

Writing this post has been a big help to me today.  I know that I created Walking The One True Path and began writing, because I have always believed in the power of writing down my own thoughts, in order to gain a better understanding of my subconscious mind.  I know that many artists do the same with drawing and painting.  It is therapy.  Self help.  And I know that it works - for me at least.  I also know that by sharing my thoughts, I have in the process helped others, and for that I am very happy.  It is a blessing to know it.  My smile is not yet back on my face.

I am still feeling tired, I still feel a little discouraged.  But, what has changed is that by sharing my burden, some of the weight has lifted.  When the time comes, the fight will go on, as it always must go on.  For now, I will just sit and rest a little while longer and recover.  When the moment is right, I will strike down my enemies and I shall walk ever on, basking in the glow of light, with my shield and my sword, and the power of love.

_________________________

When We Encounter Setbacks On The Path

There will come certain days, when you suffer a disappointment or a setback. Everything feels like it has gone wrong, that no matter how hard you struggle to do the right things, nothing you try works out in the way that you had planned.  It is possible to feel the clouds swirling around inside your head, clogging your thoughts, denying you the sunshine and the light.  It becomes difficult to stir yourself to action.  Your limbs feel heavy and weary, and seem to resist your every movement.  You ask yourself, "What is the point in all of this?", "Why do I try so hard and only seem to suffer as a consequence of my actions?", "Why is life unfair to me?", "Why do I work so hard and not get anywhere?"  The urge to give up comes upon you like the rushing storm waters from the broken levee.  It is easier to succumb, to give up, than it is to continue the fight.  Everything tells you to quit, to give in, and to give up the fight.

The journey on the one true path is like this.  Never be fooled into thinking that the discovery of your one true path means that the fight is over, that now come the easy days of glory and reward.  No.  The discovery of your one true path means that the true fight is only just beginning.  You fought before.  You may have had just cause and held strong beliefs and convictions in what you fought for.  On the one true path you will understand what it means to fight the true fight.  To fight for the very thing that grants you the ultimate gift in life.  You fight for your heart and you fight with your heart, since your heart is both your companion and your weapon.  And together you fight for your dreams, and you fight for the true cause: to keep walking your one true path.

Not every day can be filled with joy and happiness.  That is impossible.  Life teaches us that there is the need for balance and the need for harmony in everything, and that includes our own journey.  Birth is balanced by death.  Growth is balanced by decay.  Summer is balanced by winter.  Light is balanced by dark.  Everyone suffers disappointments and setbacks.  That is how it is, how it is always going to be.  But when you walk your one true path, those setbacks will not deter you from walking on.  On the true path, nothing can throw you off, nothing can defeat you.  If you are truly on the path that is right for you, then you will understand that moments and days will come when you need to pause on the journey, and you need to take some time for reflection and meditation.

Everyone, every single one of us, no matter our circumstances, will suffer a disappointment or a defeat at some point in time.  I know beyond all doubt that I am now walking my one true path, but there are days when I too feel disappointment, when I suffer a setback, and when I question what I am doing.  It is too easy to look upon others and think that they have it easy, that good luck and fortunate falls their way, since they never show disappointment nor sadness in life.  Do not be fooled though.  These are the people who perhaps suffer more than any one else.  These are often the people who hide their true feelings in order to spare others their pain, anguish and problems.  These people suffer quietly, privately and alone.  I am like this.  I try hard to avoid giving my problems to others, I suffer in my own silence and suffer I do.  I show only the positive side of myself to the world and I hide my pain.  I work through my feelings, I come to terms with them, and I move on again.

It is not the setback, pain, despair, nor the disappointment that defines where we are, nor who we are.  It is how we deal with them that determines everything that is to come.  Every disappointment that we encounter is an opportunity to learn and to better understand ourselves, and by doing so, to evolve the spirit.  When we feel joy and elation, we do not feel any need to self-analyse.  We readily accept the good times as they are, we welcome them, and we bask in their glow.  When the bad times arrive, and they inevitably will, then we have a choice to make.  The easy option is often to give in and retreat, turning a disappointment into a loss, perhaps even turning away from the chosen path.  Alternatively, you can accept what has happened, analyse it, understand it, and to learn from it.  When we choose this course of action, then we parry the blade of defeat and we deflect its blow.  We are not victorious, but we remain undefeated, and more able to continue the journey at a later date.

If you give in and retreat, then you have surely lost the battle.  If you decide to take the easy way and to lose in this manner, then you learn nothing from the experience.  You deny yourself the chance to learn and from that learning, the chance to act differently, should the same, or similar, situation occur again in the future.  And what life shows us, is that the same situation will come around again, until you are able to deal with it in the right way.  If you feel a strong conviction in your heart, then never be put off, never be thrown off the path on which you walk.  If the path that you walk is not your true path, then a defeat, even a small defeat, will easily deter you.

By learning from this disappointment, it is possible to take a negative situation and to turn it into something positive.  To progress in life, it is imperative that we each learn from our mistakes and from our setbacks.  A setback should be seen as an opportunity to learn, to better understand, and in understanding, to prevent the same thing from happening again, or at least, if it does, to handle it differently.  Perhaps you'll ask yourself the following questions:-

- What went wrong?
- Was it something that I did that caused it?
- Could I have acted differently?
- Can I change what has happened and make a different outcome?  (If yes, then go and do it!)
- Were my expectations too high?
- What will I do the next time I encounter a similar situation? (Because you surely will.)

Those that walk their one true path know that setbacks are just a necessary part of the journey.  They see them not as problems, not as barriers to success, nor as reasons to give up, but as opportunities to learn, to evolve, and to grow the spirit.  That is what our journey through life is all about.  And one day, you will reach your destination, fulfil your dream, and live out the life that is your true purpose and calling.  On the true path, your one true path, no amount of setbacks can prevent you from reaching the light and from reaching the love.

_________________________