There Is No Plan B

I'll be honest, I am an options guy.  Whatever it is that I decide to do, I always give myself an out, an escape route, an alternative, call it what you will.  I never let myself get tied down into a situation from which I cannot extricate myself when it's necessary to move on.  I'm committed just as long as it works for me.  Commitment has never really been my forte.  At least, that is one way to look at it, but that is not the complete picture, that is only one part of a greater story.

Let's talk about commitment.  Sure, I've never been married.  My relationship track history does not make for the most pleasurable of readings.  Actually, it would be a pretty short coffee break type of read if I'm  honest.  And when I say coffee, I don't mean Sunday morning lounging around on a sofa with the papers in a cosy, stylish cafe, with notes of jazz mixing with the aroma and the ambiance.  I mean more of a quick, blink and its gone espresso.  I've lived in more places than I care to think about.  I've had plenty of jobs and I've tried quite a few careers.  I know many people in many countries around the world, in some way, I have touched the lives of thousands of people, yet my close friends number only a few.  I can pack all of my belongings into a couple of suitcases that would fit into the back of a car.  That's my flee mentality right there.   

Then there are the things that I have deeply committed to in my life, like the pursuit of my dreams.  Hang on though.  You know what?  Thinking about it right now, I see something more than the pursuit of my dreams.  Suddenly, I see with absolute clarity my entire life history and the pattern therein.  My life has been about more than my dreams, my life has always been about my heart.  It is easy to confuse the two since our true dreams live within the heart, but there is more to the heart than only dreams.  

I have always been emotionally connected.  I never really understood this until quite recently.  It doesn't just mean my emotions are on the surface (although  they generally are), it means that I live through my emotions, I experience life through my emotions.  The heart contains our emotions as well as our dreams.  Our hearts are the windows to our souls, they represent the real, authentic you.  The connection that I have to my heart is incredibly strong.  It is truly my driving force.  Everything I have ever done, every decision I have ever made, has been because of my heart.  The voice of my heart is never quiet.  Sometimes it whispers to me, other times it's like a sonic boom that explodes with such force that tears form in my eyes as a way of releasing the pressure.  Oh yes, I cry a lot, both through laughter and through sadness.  There was a time when I was ashamed of this, when I turned my face to hide my tears, but not any more.  My heart really is everything to me.  In fact, my heart is me and I am my heart.  Our link inseparable.  Even my signature, unknowingly to me for many years until someone pointed it out, contains a heart shape.  I have needed to follow its calling, I could never escape it.  It has led me on some of the most amazing adventures, to witness some of the most incredible things, to meet the most wonderful people, and it has led me to the pits of despair, to complete and utter hopelessness, where only sadness and pain were to be found.

Yet, I would never change my heart, I trust it completely.  I am here right now because of it.  Everything I have ever done has led me to this point and my heart has been leading me here in its own way, showing me all the things I needed to see, teaching me all of the lessons that I needed to learn, leading me to the people that I needed to help me along the way, always guiding me towards the inevitable.  And here I am, finally after all of these years, faced with the inevitability of my life.

My heart is changing.  I can feel it. There has been a subtle shift inside that tells me that things are different to how they used to be.  My heart continues to speak to me and I to listen to its voice, but that voice is no longer urgent and incessant.  It is no longer driving me onwards to the next place I need to be, because I am in that place.  My heart is content.  Tomorrow, I am stepping through the doors of a school classroom for the first time as a trainee school teacher.  This has been my long held dream, the dream to which my heart was always leading me, subtly steering me and guiding me through the turmoil and turbulent waters, giving wind to my sail when the currents ceased, moving me ever on, inexplicably towards my destiny.

I am ready, finally ready to stop moving.  I don't want to move again because I feel that I have come home. It's more than simply that though.  I am ready to commit.  Fully commit to my life, to the life I have always wanted, and the life that I have been denying myself for so long.  I don't mind that it has taken me this long because I know deep down that I was never ready before, even though there were times when I wanted it so bad that I would have done anything to keep it.  I couldn't have kept it before because my heart would have moved me on, just as it did, it had to move me on, I understand that now.  Not this time.  Here I am, tomorrow one of the longest held and one of my greatest dreams turns into reality.  That is not the end because I have several more dreams.  Tomorrow only marks the beginning.  Without tomorrow, I will never realise those other dreams.  To realise those, I have to stop moving, I have to let go of my options, I have to stop looking for the escape route.  And you know what?  I know that I will because my heart tells me that now is the right time.  Commitment doesn't start with a 'C', it starts with me.  And just for once, there is no plan B.

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Even Those That Walk The Path Must Suffer

Some days, it is hard not to feel bitter and affected by the things that have occurred in your life.  Every single person suffers at one time or another, no one is exempt.  Not even those of us who profess to be walking our one true path are exempt from suffering the afflictions of failure, or from feeling plagued by doubts about the journey and the direction of the path.  This is all part of what it means to walk the path.  This is what it means to be alive. 

I am feeling this way right now.  Within me, a bitterness has crept upon me and taken hold, wrapping its tendrils of fear and hate around my heart.  I am not conscious of it all of the time, but in quiet moments of reflection, I find it there, whispering acid and noxious words, trying to smother the light of my soul with its dark cloak of negativity.

How can it be that a person who proclaims such happiness can suffer affliction and carry negativity and unhappiness within themselves?  The answer to that is simply this: I am human.  But there is also something more.  I am strongly connected to my heart and my heart is my life.  And because of this deep connection I have with my heart, I feel my emotions keenly. 

I am walking my one true path, of this I am absolutely and unequivocally sure. I know this is true because of the general way in which I view life.  My life has been an amazing journey and for this, I am truly grateful and appreciative.  I smile often.  I laugh for no reason, other than because of the joy I am feeling at that moment.  I am passionate about what I do.  These are the things that tell me I am on the right path.  I have been able to take advantage of opportunities that have come my way, opportunities that have shaped my destiny and allowed me to discover my own truth, my own path.  All that I have achieved, everything that I have witnessed and experienced has been possible because of one single reason.  I have been alone pretty much all of my adult life, I have never had anyone to share my path for more than a fleeting instant.  And that has been both a gift and a curse to me.

I have fulfilled many of my dreams in life.  Some of these dreams I did not know even existed until I discovered them.  I consider myself to have been extremely fortunate.  I was working at the hotel the other day, talking to some people about my life, and how I changed my stars and sought out my true path, when someone asked me if I had any dependents?  "No", I replied.  "Well then", she said, "that makes it much easier for you."  And she was right.  It does.  I have no dependents and I have no responsibilities to any other person.  I never have.  This is why I am able to live the life that I do.  This is how I am able to flit from one place to another like a butterfly that floats on the breeze.  The words that this woman spoke struck deep into me, they struck at my core.  It was certainly not the first time I had thought about this, but hearing it said by another person made it all the harder to bear.

It's not that I ever wanted to live my life alone.  Far from it.  I have always wanted to find the right person, to get married and to start a family.  Each time I have tried to form a relationship, it has gone wrong.  When I got close to settling down, a situation occurred that was to change everything.  I have never had a long term relationship.  I have never known what it is like to have someone by your side that you can rely on, that you can trust, and that you know fully.  I have never gotten that far.  I know that much of this has been my own doing.  I am not blameless.  I know the one major reason that my relationships have failed has been down to my own feelings of being undeserving of love, and in seeking out the kind of love that was ultimately doomed from the start.  I have invested so much time and effort in trying to make doomed situations work, that I have drained myself of energy and of my own life.  I have worked so hard to prove a point to myself, that no matter what I do, I will never find true and lasting love.  I have been the architect of my own failures.  It is akin to trying to build a skyscraper and knowing full well, that you did not ensure that there were solid foundations.

And here lies the basis for my feelings of negativity and bitterness.  I ask myself whether I have missed my chance of a family?  I am after all, now in my early forties and time is flowing ever constantly on.  Did I overlook any opportunities?  Should I have persevered longer in a relationship?  Did I take the easy route?  Did I run, when I should have stayed?  Is life playing a cruel trick on me, denying me the one thing I have sought the most? 

I'll never know the answers and they matter not.  I am here and it is now.  Everything that I have done, everything that I have experienced has brought me to here.  To this point.  I have been on a voyage of discovery about myself and I have learned so much.  Last year I finally had my eyes opened to the lesson of my life, that I saw myself as being undeserving of love.  Now, perhaps, armed with that knowledge, I have a real chance.  I think I always knew that I needed to strike out and to reach for my path.  It was something that always dwelt within me.  I now walk my one true path.  I am ready.  I may be late, but I am here now.  All I need do, is find a special someone who also understands the simple gifts of life, who can see that life is an opportunity not to be wasted, and someone who will laugh for no reason, just because they feel like doing it.  I am here.  I am waiting.  My search goes on.

When you walk your one true path, you will never be exempt from the feelings of bitterness, negativity, anger, fear, anguish, and anxiety.  These are all humans emotions and to live a life in tune with your heart, is to feel all of your emotions.  If you are walking your one true path, these feelings never last long.  At your core you will know love.  Love defeats every other emotion.  With love in your heart, you are invincible.  The tendrils of negativity will wither and die, they will be burned away by the bright glow and fire of love.  But you must know these feelings of negativity and make them your allies, because they help you to know that you are walking your true path.  If you cannot shake them, then the path is not true.  The true path is the path of positivity, of love and of the light.

And with this, goes my bitterness and my resentment.  My path has taught me much and it has shown me miracles.  I have total faith in my heart.  My heart is love and love is the light.  So I shall keep on walking, knowing that when the time is right for me, she will come. 

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