The other evening, I began to feel myself becoming lost. I started to question my purpose in life and my reasons for continuing to exist. I asked myself what it was that I was doing and what it is that I am trying to achieve with my life. I reasoned that I had already achieved my dreams, that I have led an incredibly blessed life, that I have reached so many of the goals that I have set for myself. So why should I continue? Have I not been a warrior long enough, fought enough battles, and is it not now my time to take a well earned rest? Why should I keep pushing myself forward along my chosen path? Why should I keep on raising my shield to fend off the blows of my enemies and why should I continue to swing my sword to strike my enemies down? Would it not just be easier to lie down, to sleep and to rest.
The reason for these feelings for me was abundantly clear, as it so often is. Love. Or rather, the lack of love in my life. You see, I thrive on love. Love is the force that propels each and every one of us through the universe as we travel on our journeys, as we each walk our own unique path. Love is what fuels us, and despite what Red Bull would have you believe, it is love that give us our wings and lets us fly. In short, love is the reason and the sole purpose of our existence. Love is life and life is love. They are inseparable, they are one, and that is the miracle.
For my entire life, I have struggled with love. Everything I have ever done in my life, I am now able to see, was driven by a desire to be loved and to find love. Ultimately though, I have always been doomed from the beginning, since it is not possible to make other people love you, not matter what you do, no matter how hard you try. And I have tried. From my weight gain as a young child, to my moving overseas, and even the discovery of my passion for scuba diving, love was the key driver. Through the last year, and as a result of beginning to write this blog, I have unlocked many deep thoughts and come to the realisation of many things that were previously stored away in some dark recess of my mind. Locked away and hidden, they may have been, but I think perhaps I always knew deep inside of their existence, but was afraid to recognise, give legitimacy to, and give voice to them, from fear of the consequences and what it would mean to my life. Knowing and understanding what has driven my entire life is both a great comfort and an incredible curse to me.
On the one had, it gives me immense pleasure, joy and comfort to know that love is what drives me in my life. I know that I thrive on the greatest emotion that there is, and that it pushes me forward, ever on. I am of the belief that it is because of my deep connection with love, that I am able to connect with the world around me in a strong and meaningful way, that I am able to truly see life and the simplicity and miracles that are present in each and every moment. I recognise love in the world and I speak plainly and openly of it, and it has given to me many unbelievable moments of pure high and elation.
Then there is the curse. To know that love is the driver and the very substance that gives my life so much meaning, and to comprehend and understand that my life has been deprived and is devoid of knowing love from the hearts of other people, fills me with such sadness, sorrow and despair. When I look back over my life and realise how I gained weight as a child to attract attention and love, how I put up with name calling and teasing because I felt unworthy of anything else, how I have constantly sought out the kind of love of which I felt I deserved - the unhealthy, one-sided, unrequited kind - how I have tried so hard to make others love me and have failed time and again, and how I have spent so much of my life living alone, then the dark clouds gather to obscure the light that gives my life its balance, purpose and meaning, and I fall into deep, dark, despair.
And this is what has been happening over the last few days. I have been caught and trapped in self-pity and remorse for my life and for my existence. Everything has become obscured by the mists and the dense fog that appeared in my mind. My heart wept tears of great sadness at being so alone and knowing that it has been so completely and utterly unloved. I really did question my purpose and the point of it all. But I understand my heart very well, since we have been ever constant companions on the path and the journey on which we embarked, so long before. There is a reason I still raise my shield and swing my sword, there is always hope and the faith in love and life, and knowing that the darkness will lift and the sun will find its way back again.
Yesterday evening, I sat down at the beach alone, and I gazed out over the ocean, across the great expanse of ocean, towards the slowly sinking sun. Flocks of pelicans flew across the sky, one after another and I sat and watched as a child watches, with delight, with marvel and with wonder, at the amazing sight of a great bird on the wind. In this moment, I smiled and I laughed. I may never have known the long-lasting, true love of a woman, but I have discovered love nonetheless. I have discovered the love of life, I am able to see the world in simplicity and as a miracle, and for that, I shall always be grateful. Because of that, I shall keep on walking my one true path, until one day, the other kind of love will appear. And I know that it will.