The Unobtainable Light, or Two Paths That Diverged

A person must continue to walk throughout their life or else, just like the stream that stagnates, all signs of life will slowly disappear and vanish.  Water, the giver of life, knows that it must constantly seek change if it is to remain alive, it knows that it must always flow, finding new pathways, and overcoming obstacles if it is to succeed, if it is to reach its journey's end. 

 

Following the path is a journey of discovery, it is a journey of growth, and a journey of evolution.  When I began in earnest, seperating myself from the known, the safe, and the secure, my life changed dramatically in ways that I could never have predicted.  Guided by my heart, it led me along a pathway that for many years, I had been too scared to tread, too afraid of the possibilities, feeling that I was not deserving of the happiness that awaited, afraid of the consequences that would come if I were to realise my innermost dreams.

There was one significant moment when I came upon two roads that diverged before me.  One was a secure looking, safe road, that was well trodden by those who had come before me, and it would make for comfortable, easy walking.  The other, now that one was dark and twisting, nothing was discernible around the first bend, it appeared uninviting, and where it led I could not tell.  Yet, as I stood before these roads, I knew already the way I would go.  Even though I stood a while and debated, argued, and reasoned with myself, the route I would take had been set long ago.  My head fought with my heart that day, and as I knew it would, my heart won.  I plunged into the darkness and lost myself in the vastness of the unknown.

The irony was of course, that becoming lost on this road was the very thing that helped me to discover myself.  Around that first corner, obscured from view, but so tantalisingly close (if you could ever know it), was the greatest, warmest, and brightest light that I have ever seen.  It was the light of love that awaits all who seek the true path for themselves.  It was the light of understanding of self, of the world, and the universe.  I tried to reach that light, I wanted to reach it and attain it, and so I walked faster and faster towards it, always seeking it. 

But I could not.  Like a dog that chases its own shadow, no matter how hard I tried, I could never reach my goal.  The light was always there, shining ever more brightly, burning with an intensity that was hard to look upon.  It took me some time to realise that there was one very good reason I could not reach that light, no matter how hard I tried or how fast I ran towards it.  The light had led me on a journey to new places, with new people and new experiences.  My life was changed, I was changed from the person who I once was.  Part of me remained, I could feel that, the old me lived within the new, one and the same, changed yet still the same.  And with me were fragments of all the people that I had encountered, all of the places where I had been, and all of the incredible wonders I had experienced, just as I was a fragment within those same people.  Everyone I encountered left a mark upon my soul, enriching me, as I too left my mark upon theirs, bonding us forever across space and time.

It was only much later that I was able to come to an understanding.  When I had stood and looked upon those two diverging roads, there was never a debate as to which one I would take.  I was always going to take the path that I took.  It wasn't just about where I was at that moment, it was also about when I was.  I was at the right place and I had arrived at the right moment, to be where and when I needed to be so that I could act and make the decision that needed to be made.  A decision that was preordained in the mists of time, in the making of the universe.  I arrived exactly when I was supposed to arrive, the result of countless trillions of possibilities and happenings.  

I was always going to become all that I have become.  It was my life purpose.  When I was born, it was written in my heart that this is who I would be, these were the things that I would do, and the thoughts that I would have.  From that moment on, everything I have ever done has steered me on my journey. Sometimes it has been done unconsciously, without my even realising it, but always I have steered myself on the journey of my own making.  I could never have changed it.  My heart is too strong, it speaks too loudly for me to ever deny its existence.

I believe that this is the same for everyone of us.  Every person has a message written inside their heart.  It is the DNA of who they truly are, the person that they are destined to be.  If you listen and take heed of that message, then you will find the path that is right for you at exactly the moment when you need it.  You too will discover the light that awaits.

And as for that light that I tried so hard to reach?  I still cannot touch it, no matter what it is that I do.  It still remains there, always out of my reach.  Why?  Because that light is me and I am the light of the universe that shines the way.  I am the light of love.  I am the light of life.  I am me, and that is all I ever needed to be.  The real me, the true me.

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We, The Lost

I woke this morning and wanted to write something, so I did.  I began with one line and three words.  I opened my heart and the rest followed.  I hope you like it.


We, The Lost
We, the lost
Seeking the answers
That evade our every effort
Like wisps of mist
Those tendrils of grey
We try to grasp
To clutch in our fist
Fingers enclosed
Holding tightly
But forever gone

Where then shall we begin
To seek that which is to be,
That which is not yet ours to hold?
First, we have to known not where
But for what it is that we seek
Less we walk an eternity
Seeing yet never knowing
Our treasure was right there
A stretch of the hand
To seize and hold

How then will we know?
Job, career, success, money
House, car, vacation
The false gods of modern life
Leading us astray
Further and further from the truth
Blinding us to the obvious
The poisoned chalice
From which we are told
We must drink
Nay, we must gulp
If we are to find that which we seek

Not in that cup will you find it
To seek, is to know
And to know, is to find
There is one place
Where the truest true resides
It is you, it is the pure you
The very essence of life itself
Your soul has every answer
Gathered eons past
Different lives, one spirit

Then look inside and not without
For there is that for which you seek
The beating rhythm of life
That one song of truth
Written for you
And only for you
That you may one day
Wake up from the slumber
As the bird sings at dawn
Hark now, hear its words
Its gentle call
Heed the song of the light
And together,
Shall you go forth
Dear precious heart
Walk with me.

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Sometimes It Helps To Be A Little Mad

There are times when I am asked about my life, about the changes that I have been through, the places that I have been, the things that I have done.  As I explain the events of my recent past, as I describe my experiences, as I list the countries in which I have visited and lived, as I give the reasons for doing what I have done, I hear my own voice as if it were spoken by another.  I hear the tiny vibrations of air that pass between my lips and form into words, and I wonder if in fact, when it comes down to it, could it be that perhaps I am just a little mad?

How then could I explain my life if it were not otherwise?  A person of rational, sound thought and mind would surely not lead the life that I lead.  To have at one time, known a life of comfort and security, of which so many others can only hope, and to have left it all behind, to strike out into the unknown, with no real sense of where I was going, what I was going to do, and what would happen after I did it.  I disposed of all of my possessions, systematically, machine like, devoid of any emotional connection to them.  I decided that everything, except some small mementoes and sentimental items would have to go.  I saw everything only as a link back to the past that I was trying to leave behind, a knot that bound me to my old life that I needed to sever.  It was as though a madness were upon me, driving me on, telling me that these things had to be done.

It is almost eight years now since I heard myself resigning from my job at IBM.  Those words came out in a moment of madness that, at the time, I thought I might come to regret.  I knew nothing back then of all that was to come, I knew only that I wanted some other path for my life.  If it had not been for my madness, I could not know what it was to scuba dive, I would never have stroked my hand down the side of a tiger shark, I would never have pulled my car up on the side of the road and watched a male lion who stood barely six feet away, I would never know what it was to listen to whale song under the ocean, I would never have met so many incredible, inspiring and amazing people, I would never have seen humpback whales leaping from the ocean, I would have never glided with giant manta rays through the ocean, I would never have turned my hand to writing, I would never have helped those people I have helped, nor inspired those I have inspired, I would never have learned all that I have learned, and I would never have understood that the secret to life was held in a single, simple word called love. 

Without that moment of madness, my life would be different.  I cannot say it would have been better or worse.  I know only that which I know now, which is that since the moment when I resigned, I have never felt a single pang of regret for the life that I left behind.  Perhaps down the other path I would have found my love, my partner and my family?  I will never know.  Would I trade that for all that I has happened to me in these eight years?  Never.  That particular dream is still very much alive and one that will come to fruition when the time is right for me and for her.  That is just the way it needs to be.  

If I am suffering from a touch of madness, then from where could it originate?  As I was sitting up in bed this morning, reading and sipping my morning coffee, my thoughts turning towards my chaotic life, I made a decision to begin to write my thoughts down.  As I commenced the writing of this post, I had a thought that leaped out at me.  Perhaps I was born with the madness in my blood and in my soul.  It was not a thing that I planted and grew, rather, it was already within me, biding it's time, slowly growing its roots and waiting for the right moment to push its head above the soil and show itself to me.  That one single moment of time when it knew I would begin to listen to its voice.  So, if I did not invent the madness for myself, if it was already within me, from whence could it have come? 

From our mother's and our father's comes our blood.  From their parents, so too came theirs and so forth and so forth, back thousands of years to the very dawning of human existence, nay, to the very dawning of life on this planet.  With their blood comes the DNA and genetic code, the building blocks of what creates me, what creates you, of what defines how we will look and how we will think.  Is it possible too, that within the blood that pulses through our veins, that we also carry an accumulation of all of our ancestors hopes, dreams, whims and urges?  Within the blood, could there be a secret essence of life, a purpose that drives us ever on.  Perhaps, that is why we feel our dreams and our emotions so keenly from the heart.  The heart is the centre of  the blood flow, everything goes in and out from there, so naturally, that would be why we hold our dreams and our love within our heart's.  Why could that not be true?  That the blood line of our ancestors must go on, ever evolving, ever reaching out, until we have evolved spiritually and fulfilled our one true destiny, until we have accomplished the goal that was set before us at the dawning of time?  I like this thought.  It brings a smile to my lips and a joy to my heart.  The thought that I am continuing the dreams of my father and my grandfather brings me closer to them in spirit.

Even if the blood theory is wrong, it makes no difference.  We are taught from our parents and they from theirs.  With each passing generation, we are moulded by their learning, by their views of life, by their hopes, their dreams, their failures, their joys, their disappointments and most importantly of all, by their love.  From generation to generation, the accumulation of spiritual evolution is passed and as we, in our turn, carry that flaming torch, it is up to each of us to decide how we will write our own story.  How is it that we will help turn the wheel of spirtual evolution and what is it that we will pass down the line, to those that come after?  In the movie Dead Poets Society, there is a moment where Mr Keating (Robin Williams) recites a poem by Walt Whitman that contains the line, "That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse."  What will be the verse that I choose to write in the play of life?

We can chose to move the spiritual evolution forward, we can turn the wheel and in doing so, add our own piece to the jigsaw.  Perhaps ours will be the last, perhaps ours will be only a tiny part of a much greater picture, perhaps ours is a magic piece that brings everything together, paving the way for those that will come after.  All that matters is that we do turn the wheel.  I don't see spiritual growth as a choice, I view it more as a duty.  To carry out that duty, we need only listen to the voice from within - the voice of our heart.

There it is.  The heart.  It always comes back to this one single, beautiful, miracle of nature.  The heart speaks with the voice of love and the voice of love originates from the centre of universe, it is the power that holds everything together, it is THE force of the universe, the force of life.  I've written before of being heartstrong and it is true of every single person on this planet.  The only thing that makes a difference between each of us, is whether we chose to act upon the callings and the urges of our heart's. 

When you look into the eyes of a certain person and in your heart a voice calls out, you are presented with a choice: act, or do not act.  It is that simple.  If I choose to act, then I follow my heart's desire, I follow a whim of madness in thinking and believing that this other person who stands in front of me may feel the same quickening of their pulse, the same racing of their blood in their veins, the same flutter of their heart.  It is the same feeling that occurs when you think of your dreams, when you hold a picture of a certain mountain, an ocean, a river, a desert in your mind, or when you picture yourself as a teacher, an artist, a writer, a singer, a chef, or whatever it is that is your heart's desire.  It is love. 

To be heartstrong is to listen to, and to follow your heart.  I am going to add another attribute of what it means to be heartstrong.  To be heartstrong means that you must be mad, since only the mad among us, dare to dream and not only dream, we dare to follow the voice inside of us.  We are the believers, we are the listeners, we are the walkers.  We are filled with love because love is the force, and we smile, we laugh, we do crazy things, because we of the heartstrong are possessed with a madness.  And being mad certainly helps just a little.

~ ~ ~ 

Oh me! Oh Life! by Walt Whitman

Oh me! Oh life! of the questions of these recurring,

Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill’d with the foolish,

Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)

Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew’d,

Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,

Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,

The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?

Answer.

That you are here—that life exists and identity,

That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

 _________________________

Personal Evolution

Change is an inevitable part of life.  There is no avoiding it.  Whether you like it or not, no matter how hard you try, change will eventually seek you out and there can be no escape from its clutches.  Every single thing that happens sends out ripples that affect our lives in unforeseen ways.  Often, at the moment the ripple catches you, the affects can seem negative or even destructive, taking away all that you once held dear.  Just like a fire that ravishes the land, burning and decimating the ancient and mighty trees of a forest, that have withstood many summer droughts and the biting cold of winters, change creates a landscape for new growth and new opportunity.  Quickly do the first new green shoots begin to appear in that blackened and scarred earth.  Change is a necessary part of the cycle of life.  To hold it back, is to try to hold back the raging torrent of a river.

From my own experiences, I can say without a shadow of doubt, that at the moment I began to see the possibility of walking the path of my own making, I began to change.  It was an inevitability.  There came a moment in time when my heart was awoken to the chance of a different path in life, and I think from that moment on, I began to become more spiritually aware.  The pivotal moment in my life, was the moment that I stood in Vörösmarty tér in Budapest, on a bitterly cold early January day, and I knew that something significant was taking place in my life.  Until that moment, I had never felt the voice of my heart so strongly.  From this moment on, everything changed.

But even though I was not yet on my true path, it was a necessary start and it was a huge step in the right direction.  Unbeknown to me at the time, it set in motion all of the events that would open my heart to the possibilities of life.  I met new people, made new friends, experienced a new culture, and through these things, I began to see life differently.  Looking back, I believe that I needed this spiritual awakening to occur before I was ready to step out and discover my true path.  Before this time, I was not ready.  I would have tried and maybe I would have failed to discover my calling, because my eyes and my heart were not yet truly open.  I imagine myself at this point in my life as a newly born foal.  Try as he might, the foal is unable to stand on his legs and walk for himself.  He is alive, there is no question, he knows what he needs to do, but until he has the strength, until he is truly ready, he is unable to stand and he is unable to walk.  He needs time.

Budapest marked the beginning of my personal evolution.  I use the term personal evolution because I see all of the changes that I have been through as a positive, growth experience.  I have evolved into the person I was always destined to be.  Life has shaped me and I have adapted.  And I will continue to evolve and adapt with each step along my path.

I believe the same will be true for anyone who begins to walk their path in life.  When you commit yourself to the life of which you always dreamed, you will awaken spiritually.  Perhaps it is a form of rebirth or regeneration.  It matters not what you call it, the importance is only that it occurs.  You are going to begin to see life differently.  You will begin to connect more deeply with everything around you.  You will start to lead your life not from the head, but from the heart.  And the heart is where we find love.  Once you step on to you path, everything changes.  You'll change. You'll grow in ways you never thought were possible.  You'll fly free and soar, because the chains of the old life are no longer binding you and holding you back.  You are going to turn into the most amazing and beautiful butterfly that flutters freely on the breeze.

For me, I know that I have changed from the person that I once saw when I looked in the mirror.  I have grown spiritually.  I now have a deep residual happiness and contentment that lies at the core of my being.  It permeates into everything that I do.  Even though there are times when things go wrong in my life, I am more easily able to overcome them, because I walk my path.  I feel more content with life.  I enjoy what I do, when I am doing it.  I exist in the moment.  I no longer fret about material possessions or the accumulation of monetary wealth.  My wealth comes from my experiences and what I carry in my head and in my heart.  Those are riches beyond comparison.  I see the beauty of nature and creation and I marvel at the miracles of life.  I have learned to open my soul and my heart without fear of the consequences or of retribution.  I am who I am, and I am happy to be me.  I learned to accept myself and all of my many faults and I have learned to forgive myself.  And I think this is the most powerful thing of all: I have learned to love myself.  All this has come because I dared to dream and I began to walk my path.

Perhaps it does not happen to everyone in the same way.  After all, each of us begins our path at different times in life and each path is unique to the person.  Every experience that you had before you began will have shaped the person that you are now.  Perhaps I was spiritually immature.  Perhaps you are further along the spiritual evolution than I was, or perhaps you are further behind.  That is not for anyone to judge and it is of no real importance or consequence.  The only thing that matters is that you take that first step and begin along your own path.  And as you do, change and evolution will begin.

Spiritually, I know that I have changed from the person I used to be.  By writing this post, I have come to another, very startling thought and realisation: What if I have not actually changed at all?  What if now, by walking my true path, the path of my own making, I have simply become the person I have always been, the person that has always resided inside of me, the person that I have kept hidden all these years through a sense of fear?  If that is true, then more than ever, I can say that I have given myself the ultimate gift.  Not only have I learned to love myself, but I have also given my true spirit freedom.  I have set myself free.  Now, that is a powerful thought indeed.

Without change and spiritual evolution, we cannot grow.  So, do not fight change, since change is rebirth, change is regeneration, change is opportunity and change is life.  Do not fear change, instead, fear stagnation.  Through stagnation, you will forever be lost.  Your spirit will forever be a silent voice inside of your heart.  Let it free. Take a chance on life.  Change and chance are intrinsically linked.  Without change, there is no chance.  Create some ripples, create some opportunities. And see the world in a way you never knew existed.  Go on, dare yourself.  Begin your own personal evolution.

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