Why would someone put them self through this? After all, unrequited love is a truly masochistic pastime. It defies sound reasoning and is devoid of any semblance of logic. One would have to be mad to do such a thing, wouldn't they? The answer is of course, that love is not formed in the head, it is created with the heart. With anything that is of the heart, it in tinged with a touch of madness. The heart doesn't listen to reason, sound judgement and logic. The heart flies free on a whim, it grasps hold of dreams and it speaks of love. And love, once it has you in its clutches, is a very hard beast to escape. The heart acts of its own free will, it does as it pleases, and if you allow it, it will lead you, or rather, it will pull you along at breakneck speed, right on down the path of love. Once it begins, it becomes an unstoppable force, propelling you further and deeper, ever on, and like the light from a black hole, it is not possible to fight, nor flee the pull of its gravity.
In my own life, I have suffered greatly in the pursuit of what I believed at the time to have been love. Of course, it could never have been true love, since the feelings were only on my side, a constant stream of one way love, projected outwards and very little of anything received in return. All I ever did was to bang my head against the proverbial brick wall. There was no way through, no matter how hard I tried. The perverseness of the situation was that the more resistance I met, the harder I pushed and the more determined I became to succeed. Something propelled me forward, it drove me ever on, in the process I took many knocks on the chin, but I just kept jumping right back in there. My perseverance was surely going to pay off, my demonstration of my commitment and determination would succeed, after all, what woman doesn't want a man who will fight for her love tooth and nail?
How did I ever get myself into these situations, and more importantly, why would I allow this to happen? Yes, that is deliberately plural, for I have found myself in these situations on several occasions. Each time I said it would be different, I would succeed, that I had learned the lessons of my previous failures. I was wrong. Even when I did not want to become involved, even when I understood clearly that the situation would be toxic to me, some how, at a certain point in time, I discovered that it was already too late - I was caught, unbeknown to me, my heart had secretly been at work.
I have never found love easy to come by. I've spent long periods of time without even a hint of a romantic encounter. It's was never that I was not looking, I always was, but opportunities were few and far between. I lived my life with the constant feeling of being unlovable, I viewed myself as unattractive, and I had a shyness around women, a feeling that they would never find me remotely interesting. Words would catch in my throat, nothing would come out. If opportunities had been there, I never saw them because I could never believe someone would be interested in me. This is exactly why, when someone did show me just a hint of interest, I jumped at it and seized upon it, grasping on and holding tight, even if that meant that the situation was far from ideal. When one of these women told me that they had a barrier to letting someone in, a barrier to love because of the hurt caused by a previous relationship, or that they already had a boyfriend, I told myself that I just needed to be patient, that eventually they would see the qualities I could offer, that I was the right person for them and eventually they would see it too.
Looking back, I suppose I could view these situations as a form of teasing. I was being given just enough attention to keep me interested, but never being given anything close to anything truly meaningful. I was dangling on a thread and they were toying with me. And like an idiot, I stayed there and let them do it. It was wholly unfair of these women to do that to me, but perhaps they did not know, nor did they understand my vulnerabilities. How could they have known, since I never showed them, and I did not know them myself. Each one of these women must have seen something in me, each must have wanted something, needed some emotional connection that was lacking in their current life and relationship, if they were having one. I became the person that would fill that void for them, perhaps even to reaffirm that the person they were with was right for them, to get them through a sticky patch. It just occurred to me that I had a complete lack of respect and sense of dignity for myself. This was all I believed I was worth. No. This is all the love that I believed I was worth.
Each time one of these situations arose, I invested great amounts of time and effort, giving up my own life in the process, and sacrificing time with friends and family in the pursuit of this conquest. All my thoughts were bent on it. The longer that the situation persisted, the more it would slowly and inevitably consume me, until I was utterly lost in it. I firmly believed that eventually my love and the attention that I was giving would break down any resistance to me, that I would over come the barrier to mutual love. I imagined it to be like water slowly eroding away rock until given enough time, the rock wears away, the dam breaks, and the water flows free. Of course, I was wrong. At some juncture, out of a huge frustration and desperation, I would push as hard as I could and I would bring everything to a head. I could take it no more, it was win or bust. And bust it was every time, and I was inevitably left alone, nursing my broken heart once more.
There is perhaps another reason why I let these situations occur in my life and it was only last year that I finally uncovered this truth: I have always felt that I was undeserving of love. With this knowledge, I have been able to clearly see where I have gone wrong throughout my life. It makes it abundantly clear to me why I pursued and persisted in these situations that were extremely damaging to me and that never had a chance of working out. I felt I was wholly unworthy of being loved in the right way, the true way, and so I immersed myself in a toxic and negative kind of love, because that was the kind that I believed myself to be deserving. My life has been an endless pursuit of love in one form or another and I am sure that this is also a contributing factor to why I settled for something less than perfect. I just needed something, anything, just some form of attention and to know that I was wanted - something for which I have been bereft my entire life. When I think about it now, I rue the time that I lost in these situations, time that I could have spent with someone who actually accepted me for the person that I am and who would give their love freely to me. I might have met them, if I had not been so completely and hopelessly caught up in the wrong kind of love with someone who did not truly want me. I have been such a fool, but I cannot regret my actions, since they brought me to here and to now, and to the person that I have become.
And here I am. Finally I understand all of this. I know now why I did these things, why I put myself through such torture and torment. I have learned to love myself, to forgive myself and perhaps more importantly, to accept myself. I am at last at the place where I needed to be in order to discover the right kind of love, the kind of love for which I am deserving. I will never allow myself to go down the road of unrequited love again. I will never be tricked into following that path. For I am worthy of being loved and if you do not see that, then you have no place in my life. Do not waste my time. Don't even try it. Unrequited love is the path of doom, and I for one, am done with that path forever. I know that somewhere out there, there is a person that carries the right kind of love and who wants to give that freely, with no impediment. She is searching for me, seeking me out, as I am seeking for her. Her heart calls, as mine calls. It is only a matter of time and circumstance, because I know that we will meet.