Friday 2 August 2013

What To Do When The Smile Fades Away

It happens to all of us at one time or another.  One day, you are going along and all is well.  You are happy, you feel content, you walk lightly, you smile, and you roll along with all that life throws at you.  Then, one morning, no different to any other, you wake from your sleep and the world feels different.  Nothing has changed, at least, nothing around you has changed, but something is no longer as it once was.  You feel tired, the smile is gone from your lips, it feels like you are carrying a heavy burden, and it feels as if life is trying to beat you down.  The perception that the world feels different is not accurate.  It is not what is outside that has changed, it is what is inside that has altered.  What is different, is you. 

I know this feeling.  It happened to me yesterday and I still have it today.  I cannot say that anything significant has occurred, because it has not.  My situation is unchanged from the days that preceded yesterday, so why should I wake up and suddenly feel this way?  The smile is gone from my lips, fallen to the floor and lost.  The joy of life to which I was holding has slipped through the cracks of my fingers.  My heart is silent, its voice muted, it speaks to me no more words of comfort and urging.   What could have happened to cause this change in my persona, and what does all of this tell me?  I believe that I know the answer to those questions.

There has been no significant single event, rather a series of minor occurrences, each one chipping away at my resolve, each one like the water that runs over a rock, imperceptibly changing it, eroding it away over time.  My resolve is being tested, the faith that I have in my path is being questioned.  Each of these small things is nothing in itself, not worthy of merit, but over time and collectively, they add up to a continuous barrage of blows against my defensive shield.  They have worn me down, and gradually, they have caused me to falter. And falter is what I have done.  The arm that holds my shield lacks the strength to raise it once more, the hand that holds my sword can no longer parry the blows of my enemies.

Over the last few months, I have suffered setbacks.  The daily grind of my work situation is beginning to take its toll.  As much as I love the scuba diving here in Costa Rica and as much as I love teaching scuba, the lack of respect from my boss, the long hours, the continual struggle to get a day off, never knowing when that day will come, all of this has had an impact.  I have suffered rejection in my struggle to find love.  I have had a friendship tested and realised that it was founded on the wrong principles.  I have seen that same friend for the person who they truly are, and I have been affected by it negatively.  I have seen the anniversary of a dear departed friend's birthday.  My own birthday is later this month and I know that as that day approaches, so too does my sinking feeling.  I have recounted and relived the most painful and traumatic period of my life to another person for the very first time.  I have thought back to a year ago, to where I was and what I was doing, and I have realised that perhaps, just perhaps, I lost not only a friend but my love as well.  I have felt a sense of rejection by my family, as our lack of communication and inability to talk openly of love for each other continues.  Many things, each one small and each one easy to deal with individually.  Together, they form a mighty blow, one from which I am now suffering, forcing me to flee the battlefield and seek respite and shelter away from this storm.

There is good news and I know it.  By articulating what has been playing on my mind these past weeks, allows me to see and to confront my enemies.  The enemy unseen is the hardest one to defeat, since you cannot analyse their strengths and weaknesses, and you cannot find a strategy for defeating them.  I am fortunate in as much as I know my enemies, I can see them, I understand them and because of that, I can formulate plans to defend against them, and to attack and defeat them when the time is right.  Understanding your situation is a major part of what it takes to defeat the enemy and to win.  By analysing what is going on, I have been able to break down my enemy, to deconstruct him, and to see him as the sum of all of these parts.  Now I have a chance to take each one on its own and to work on my strategy for defeating it.

This is a very important strategy in life.  Often, it is all too easy to be blown away by everything that comes your way, but, by breaking it down in to smaller, more manageable pieces, you can work on each, and tackle it.  Each time that you do, you make a small win, and with each win, becomes a step forward.  It is the strategy of divide and conquer.  The art of war is to know when to push the fight and when to retreat and regroup.  I know that right now, I need to regroup, to rest, and to formulate a new set of strategies.  My dreams are still out there, they have not changed, they have not moved further away from me.  They are exactly where they always were, where they will always be, waiting until the moment is right, until I can reach out and take what has always been mine to take.

Writing this post has been a big help to me today.  I know that I created Walking The One True Path and began writing, because I have always believed in the power of writing down my own thoughts, in order to gain a better understanding of my subconscious mind.  I know that many artists do the same with drawing and painting.  It is therapy.  Self help.  And I know that it works - for me at least.  I also know that by sharing my thoughts, I have in the process helped others, and for that I am very happy.  It is a blessing to know it.  My smile is not yet back on my face.

I am still feeling tired, I still feel a little discouraged.  But, what has changed is that by sharing my burden, some of the weight has lifted.  When the time comes, the fight will go on, as it always must go on.  For now, I will just sit and rest a little while longer and recover.  When the moment is right, I will strike down my enemies and I shall walk ever on, basking in the glow of light, with my shield and my sword, and the power of love.

_________________________


7 comments:

  1. The Irritating Commenter4 August 2013 at 14:41

    Suggestion (or possibly, unsolicited advice)

    Andy, I keep wanting to leave a rating for my reactions for your posts. But how can you expect that if you give 3 totally irrelevant categories?? :))) Funny? Definitely no. Interesting? No. Cool? No!! Could you change the reaction buttons to e.g.
    -made me think about my own feelings
    -helped me verbalise my own struggles
    -i sympathise with the writer
    -it made me upset
    -i can't relate to the subject matter.

    I read quite a few of your posts today and I could not squeeze any of them into the 3 categories.

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    1. TIC, I do believe that as commentators go, I would never say that you were irritating. I'll look into it but I do believe it is a Google standard, non-configurable, add-on. Which is, in itself, rather irritating isn't it?

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  2. Hi Andy. I think it's very important that we give ourselves time to process every now and then. Even when there is nothing "big" going on that needs extra processing. Be sad, stop smiling for a while, sink deep in our thoughts. By not doing that, we usually end up sweeping dirt under the carpet and pretending it's not there.

    I don't know if it makes sense but I've learnt to embrace the low. I've come to appreciate the plugholes in my life. Someone clever recently suggested that I should not even try to avoid them. If the plughole sucks me in, it's because I need to face my pain, straight in the eye, I still need to be sad/angry in order to fully understand my own mind's mechanisms and in order to figure out how to work best with it to my own advantage.

    From what you describe you've had a pretty intense past few weeks. I know a little bit about it first hand, and what you've been dealing with requires time, patience and most of all, courage.

    Don't worry about that smile. Don't force it now. Maybe all you need is a bit of quiet-time to put the pieces of your own puzzle in their place.

    Btw... do you smile when you do a real jigsaw puzzle? Let's say, a 5000 piece one? :) I guess you swear, you sweat, you start and stop and start again. But smile? Not really. You smile when you find the missing piece. When a big chunk finally starts making sense. When two big chunks can be connected. But why would you smile while working on the small bits?

    xxx

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    1. Yes, I do smile when I'm working on a real jigsaw puzzle. I smile when I've been staring at that same piece for an age and suddenly the light goes on and I know exactly where it needs to go. I smile when I complete the outside, with all of the straight edged pieces in place. I smile because I find putting a jigsaw puzzle together just so freakin' absorbing and time consuming. I smile because each small piece that you link to another, is one more part complete. And I smile because just as it is in life, it is the small pieces that we need to take care of, and then, when we step back, we can see how each of those pieces created our big picture.

      Forrest Gump was, as if you didn't know it already, not the smartest cookie in the tin. Because life is and never will be like a box of chocolates, it is more like a jigsaw puzzle, only we just don't know the picture we are going to make until we get to the very end.

      Jigsaw Philosophy 101.

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  3. I would challenge you on that Andy... I have a biggish sum to put up on a bet with you that you do NOT smile as you are searching for the little hidden pieces! You cannot smile through a 5000 piece puzzle, because that would qualify you as Forrest Gump.

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    1. Obviously, I did not mean that I smile with every piece that I put together! I meant that I smile at regular intervals, as pieces come together. I think this is like life and what we need in life. Some moments we are happy and we smile, other times, we feel elation and joy. For all of the other times, we need to have peace and a stable base. That stable base is family, a home and love.

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  4. We are talking about the same thing then :)

    ReplyDelete