In all of my thinking on this subject, I have always approached it from the point of view that it is me who has been undeserving of love, that it was me who was unworthy of love because of the person that I have for so long believed myself to be. I wrote previously on the realisation that we receive the love that we think we deserve and how my eyes have were finally opened to the truth. The truth for me is that from a young age and through almost the entirety of my adult life, I have deemed myself to be unattractive to the opposite sex and for such a large part of my life, I have been single, and because of this, I have formed the opinion that I must be undeserving of love. The result of which has been that I have sought out relationships that were unworthy of the love that I had to give. Even when I was faced with an impossible situation or a situation that I should have simply walked away from, I would never give up and I would pour everything that I had into the relationship to try my hardest to make it work, even though the truth was that it could not. This was all because the love that I thought I deserved was not of the pure and healthy kind. I believed that I deserved something less than pure.
My revelation from a couple of mornings ago was that if I was fixed on the belief that I was undeserving of a healthy and nurturing kind of love, then perhaps there are many others out there who share that same belief about themselves. Why would I be the only one? That would seem illogical and implausible. From this thought, another revelation leaped out at me, that if I sabotaged my own chances of happiness by choosing the wrong type of love and by trying so desperately to fix my ailing relationships with my love, then perhaps there are also many other people out there who are all equally sabotaging their own relationships in some way, all for exactly the same reason: that they too seek out the love that they think they deserve.
With the recent revelations about my life, I am able to see that my relationships fall into two clear categories. There are those relationships that offered a healthy and good kind of love with great potential. These are the ones that I walked away from, finding excuses at the time that seemed reasonable and logically sound. I can now see that I left these situations only because I felt I was undeserving of a love such as this. I never saw that before now. The other category contains the kind of relationships that were problematic and that never ran smoothly. These are the ones where I invested huge amounts of my time, trying my hardest to make them work, pouring in love and commitment in the hope of fixing the problems, but always to no avail. No relationship can ever work in this way. There was simply no balance. These types of relationships held for me the kind of love that I felt I deserved and so I was drawn to them time and again and even if I resisted at the beginning, I still gave in, telling myself that this time it would be different and this time my love could make it work.
I have asked myself why it is that my relationships so often fail and now I know the answer. It has become startlingly clear to me in these last few days. These thoughts and revelations have led me to raise another question: what if each person I tried to make a relationship with also suffered from the same affliction that I did, that they too believed themselves undeserving of a healthy, nurturing kind of love?
Could it be that the problems I encountered in the relationships where I poured forth my love were caused not by something that I lacked or that I could not provide, but rather from the complete opposite? That the problems were caused by something that I held and gave in abundance? That the love on offer was too much for the other person because they thought that they were undeserving of such a love. It occurred to me that it might actually be possible to scare someone off because of everything that was being offered. I am someone who is very open and I talk often of love, hearts and of miracles. Could it be that the very things in which I deeply believe, actually have an undesired effect because all of this cannot be accepted by the other person? This is a completely new way of thinking for me. It is so opposite to everything that I have always believed, that it almost doesn't feel right. I am so used to thinking that the problems are always on my side, that I am the one who is undeserving of love, that to think the complete opposite feels strange and alien. I have thought back on my failed attempts at love and I can see that this might well have been true. Despite everything that I put on the table, despite all of the love that I was offering, the people with whom I was in love with did not embrace it, they did not cherish what was being offered and they let it go.
Perhaps this is why so many of us fail when it comes to relationships, why so many of us claim to not understand why we cannot enjoy a healthy, nurturing and long lasting kind of love? It is perhaps simply because we are scared of what that will bring to us, because we feel that we are undeserving of such a love. It is true that many people shy away from achieving their dreams out of the fear that the reality will never meet the dream. But the truth is that for those of us who do go in search of our dreams, the reality by far exceeds the dream that we held. My guess is that it is the same with love. I have dreamed so long of how my love should be, throughout all of the years I have been single and searching for love, that perhaps when it is offered to me, I have a fear that it will never meet my expectations and if it will, then I cannot be deserving of such a love. And so I do what I have to do, I sabotage my chance of happiness and deny myself the chance to find out, to walk in the reality of that love.
All of this leads me to the following conclusion: only when two people consider themselves to be worthy and deserving of the healthy and nurturing love that they create, can the relationship truly work. When two people come together who understand and accept that they are deserving of love, then they will truly receive and embrace that love. Each of them will give and receive love in equal measure, knowing in their hearts that they have found the only real purpose for which we all exist. That purpose is to create love. And at the moment of their realisation, as in all of life, everything will be one.