The Pebble and the Moon - Part Two
Two years had passed since the day when Eli and Alicia first sat on the beach and looked out upon the ocean, discovering the love that they held in their hearts for each other. It was soon after, that Eli had begun helping at Alicia's parents bakery. In the evenings when school was finished, he helped with the preparations for the baking early the next morning. On Saturdays, he would arrive early in the morning and help her father fire up the ovens and he would help him with the baking, whilst Alicia helped her mother with the customers. Eli and Alicia enjoyed these opportunities to spend more time with each other. They could talk together whilst they worked and they would steal secret looks and smiles with each other whenever they thought her parents were not looking at them. That was impossible of course, since Alicia's parents knew perfectly well what they were doing and they smiled happily, enjoying seeing their daughter happy and content, as their hearts recalled the days long ago of their own courtship.The time that Eli enjoyed the most was Saturday evening when he and her Alicia's father prepared the small sweet breads that were taken to the church every Sunday morning. As Eli prepared the small breads, he would put one aside specially for Alicia. Each time he put one aside, he was take a knife and carve a message for her in the soft dough, or he would draw a heart with Alicia's name through the middle of it. Eli knew that each Saturday evening, as he prepared the sweet bread for Alicia, he was not only making a sweet bread for her, he was giving her a piece of himself. As his knife drew the lines that formed the letters, that became words, he knew that it did so with love and that the love came from deep within his heart. The sweet bread for him was a gift filled with love, for his love. Each Sunday after church, the two of them would go down to the beach and sit at their rock, looking out across the ocean, just as they did that first time, and each week, Eli would present Alicia with the sweet bread he had prepared for her. She loved to receive them and even though she knew that each Sunday he would bring her one, she never stopped feeling excited and thrilled with his gift, just as she had the very first time he had taken one of the breads, wrapped in a small white cotton napkin, from the small basket he had brought with him and handed it to her. It was not an expensive or extravagant gift, but that was never important for Alicia. For she knew what all people that are truly in love know, that it is not the gift itself that tells the story, it is the thought and the deeds that go with the gift, that reveal the simple truth. Alicia knew that each time Eli presented her with one of the simple sweet breads, he was really saying to her, "I will love you until the end of my days."
During the first year Eli never gave a thought to the ocean. Although he would sit with Alicia each Sunday after church, his thoughts were completely on her and their lives. He would look at the ocean, but he did not see it any longer. Eli became immersed in the life of the bakery and being with Alicia and her family. It was exciting to learn new things and the time he spent there meant that he could see more of Alicia. He learned about different types of flour and the techniques for making the various kinds of doughs that were required, he learned how to knead and work the dough, how to roll it out without it breaking and sticking to the roller or the work top, her father taught him about the ovens and he learned the correct temperatures and times for all of the different types of breads, cakes and pastries that were baked at the family bakery. He was so busy with life at the bakery and between spending time with Alicia and his school work, he no longer had time to see his friends after school, nor did he spend much time with his own family. When the first of the summer storms had rolled in, Eli didn't even think to go down to the beach and watch the waves crashing in against the shore. That evening, rather than filling his heart and soul, and senses with witnessing the sights of nature untamed, he spent the evening at Alicia's parents house, eating dinner and discussing whether they should find a different supplier for their flour, since their current supplier was threatening to increase prices in the new year. There had been a time when Eli used to walk down to the beach after dinner in the evenings and sit quietly, looking up at the bright array of stars in the night sky, quietly contemplating life and the universe. These were the times when his thoughts would drift away to distant lands and to wonder what it would be like to sail across the oceans. Since Alicia had come into his life, he no longer did this. It wasn't that Alicia ever prevented him, nor that she discouraged him from going down to spend time at the ocean, it was just that there was always something else to be done and Eli wanted to spend as much time with Alicia as possible.
Without knowing it, Eli was committing the same mistake that so many people make at the beginning of a relationship. Although it seemed to him that he was doing the things that he wanted to do and that he was passionate about, he was actually neglecting his own needs and the needs of his heart. His primary focus had become Alicia and because of that, he was losing himself in the life of another person. He wanted to be available to help her and to show her that he would grow up to be the kind of man that would be a loving and supportive husband. It felt natural to Eli to want to spend as much time as possible with Alicia because he loved her, but he did not realise that all the time he neglected himself, it was to his own detriment. Eli lacked the balance between spending time with the person he loved and spending time doing those things that he had always loved to do. He no longer pursued his own dreams, he no longer pursued his own passions. He was unable to see what was happening to him and that he was slowly changing as a person. This was because he had ceased to do the things in life that he had once loved and because of this, he had also ceased to be the person that he was when he first sat down on the beach with Alicia. He was losing part of his soul. He was losing the very essence of himself. As much as Eli was oblivious to all of this, his heart was not. His heart was biding its time, giving Eli time to remember his own path, giving Eli a chance to rediscover his own path by his own volition, before it acted. Eli's heart knew that the path to true happiness cannot be found through the life of another. It knew that each person has their own path to walk in life, and it knew that true happiness, the kind that lasted, the kind that was found at the very core of a person's being, could only be found by walking that path. Eli's heart knew that for two souls to find each other and to stay together required that each must be able to continue to walk their own path, while maintaining and building the love between them. The love should flourish because of their respective paths, not in spite of them. Eli's heart would wait for the right moment to present itself and then it would act. It would deal a decisive strike that would reawaken Eli's dreams.
It was at some time during the second year that Eli once more began to feel the lure of the ocean. It happened one night as he lay in his bed at his parents house. A storm system out at sea had been generating strong winds all throughout the day and during the night. Eli's heart was restless and as Eli lay asleep in bed, the wind blowing a gale outside, his heart stirred itself and decided that tonight was the night when Eli would remember his path and would recall his dreams. The problem for his heart was the Eli was asleep. The storm continued and Eli's heart grew more and more agitated. It knew that this night was its chance, but still Eli slept on oblivious to the torment of his heart. And then Eli's heart decided that it had to act or it would become forgotten just like Eli's dreams. As Eli lay sleeping, his heart readied itself to do something that it had never done before.
Eli woke with a start in the darkness and sat up. He wasn't sure what had woken him and he remained sitting in bed to listen for any disturbances or noises coming from downstairs. There had been rumours of a band of thieves operating in the area. As he sat listening, he could hear the sound of the waves crashing into shore through his window, driven on by the storm winds that had shown no signs of abating during the night. In his mind's eye, Eli was able picture the waves, to see the surf pounding the shore, he could feel the majesty of the wild and untamed ocean and he wished he could go down and watch it for himself. Eventually, after satisfying himself that there were no thieves, he laid back down and began to drift off into sleep, accompanied by the noise of the still howling wind and the thoughts in his head were carried out across the ocean. As Eli fell asleep once more, his heart was happy and it began to sing to itself. It knew that it had struck the decisive blow that was needed. All it had to do now was to make sure that Eli did not forget again.
The following afternoon, Eli asked Alicia if she would like to take a walk that evening with him, once they were done with their chores at the bakery. Alica wondered whether Eli had something important to say to her or perhaps to ask her. Although they were still young, she knew that if Eli was to ask for her hand in marriage, her father would consent. They would simply have a longer engagement, that was all, but at least they would be officially committed to each other. The thought made Alicia smile broadly for the rest of the afternoon. The evening found the two of them walking out under a blanket of stars, the moon, a crescent that hung low in the sky, accompanied them and gave light to show their way. They walked hand in hand along the beach, enjoying the company of each other. Eli was content to walk along by the water with the girl that he loved on his hand. His eyes feasted on the silvery surface of the ocean and it filled his soul, he began to smile. Not the kind of smile that is created from a fleeting thought that comes and goes as quickly. No, this was the kind of smile that began from the very depths of his being and continued upwards, until it found its escape through the lips of Eli. Alicia could see that Eli was happy. In fact, she decided, it she had not seen him smile and look this happy for a long time. "My love. You look so happy right now", she said.
"Yes, I am Alicia. I really am. I had forgotten the effect that the ocean has on me. It is an old dear friend that speaks directly to me. I've missed it."
"Then you should come down to the beach more often Eli. You must find the time to do it, if it makes you so happy. I cannot remember the last time that we walked together like this." The two of them fell silent as they walked, each lost in their own thoughts. "Do I make you happy Eli?", Alicia asked.
"Oh Alicia. You make me more happy than I have ever been. I love you Alicia. I have loved you from the moment I first saw you, so long ago. Nothing is ever going to change that. Do you see that star up there? The really bright one that is to the left of the moon?"
"Yes, I see it Eli."
"My love shines more brightly Alicia. If I released all of the love that I have for you in my heart, it would fill the entire universe with a light so strong, it would blind the eyes of all who looked upon it", and as he said this he felt it to be true.
Alicia stopped walking and pulled Eli around by the hand, so that they faced one another. Then she pulled his face down towards hers and she kissed him deeply, she kissed him passionately, and she kissed him at that moment because she knew that he was going to be the only man for her. "I love you too Eli", she said, "I love you too."
They walked on for a while longer before turning and heading back home for the night. Each of them was happy. Alicia was happy because she was sure she had found the man she was going to marry and Eli because he had rediscovered his love of the ocean.
Things seemed to change from that evening. In the beginning, it was only that Eli would excuse himself during an evening and take an occasional short walk along the beach. Some evenings, Alicia would accompany him and they would walk along hand in hand and talk happily together. As the months passed, Eli's walks became more frequent and he began to spend more time down at the beach, often sitting alone, staring out across the vastness that stretched away before him. It wasn't that he was any less attentive to Alicia when they were together, then, he was the same loving and caring Eli, it was just that he spent less and less time with her. During that first year, Alicia had become so used to Eli being with her that now it seemed strange when he was not. She began to worry that perhaps something was wrong. That perhaps Eli didn't love her the way that he used to. Or worse, there was someone else. There would be times when Alicia looked for Eli to arrive at the bakery but he did not come. Each time she heard the tinkle of the little bell that hung above the door, she would look up expectantly, thinking that this time it was Eli, but she would be disappointed time and again. Things were made worse when her parents would ask her if there was anything wrong, or ask her why had they not seen Eli recently? When they asked these things, Alicia felt pain and anguish in her heart. She wanted desperately to talk with Eli about her concerns but she was afraid of what he might say. She decided it was better not to ask and to just let things run their course. If she spoke to him, he might tell her that it was over and she did not want that. It was better to have a small part of him, than nothing.
A small seed of doubt, once planted, will continue to grow in the mind and so it was for Alicia. Slowly, imperceptibly, the seed took hold and sprouted shoots that began to clog her mind. When Eli went for a walk on his own, Alicia started to think that he was sneaking off to see some other girl. Sometimes, when he came back, she would check his jacket when he wasn't looking, searching for a clue, for evidence with which she could confront him. She never found anything. The doubt continued to grow in her mind. Each Sunday after church, when he presented her with his token of love, Alicia felt reassured, but that reassurance quickly evaporated by the evening, when Eli would head off alone. She asked herself what it was that she had done to cause this change within him? She asked herself why he didn't want to spend as much time with her any more? There was nothing Alicia could have done differently. It was not the love of another girl that Alicia was fighting against, it was the love that Eli bore for his own soul and his own dreams, and if you fight against another persons deepest desire, there can be no victory. Each person must embrace the desire of the other, help to nurture and support it. To fight against it is futile and the result will be pain, loss and suffering for both.
So Alicia did not speak to Eli and she continued to suffer and to torment herself in silence. She began to doubt herself. She sat to brush out her hair in front of the mirror one morning, and as she looked at herself, she asked herself what was wrong with her that would turn the boy she loved away? The answers that came back to her from her reflection were that she was unworthy of his love, that she must have done something wrong, and that she was ugly. That morning, instead of feeling the joy in making herself look more beautiful for Eli as she had used to do, she sat weeping, feeling sad and wretched. "I am ugly", "I am unworthy of being loved", she told herself as she wept. And by reciting these phrases again and again, she made them the truth in her own mind.
Eli began to notice the changes in Alicia. He did not see the happiness in her that he once saw. It seemed that her once amazing and beautiful smile had faded. The laughter that they used to share was silenced. They still walked hand in hand, they still shared kisses and they still talked, but Eli knew something was wrong. One evening sitting down at the beach, he began to think on why Alicia seemed to be different and as soon as he thought about it, the answer came to him. It was him. Alicia loved him and he had grown distant from her. Where once he had spent every free moment with her, now he spent more of that time alone and at the beach. He felt torn between the person that he loved and the strong desire he felt in his chest and he knew that he had to let one them go.
One Sunday morning, Eli and Alicia sat beside the ocean, leaning up against their rock, enjoying their sweet breads. Eli had presented Alicia with his token of love, just as he always had. It was a peaceful day and they both sat in silence because they knew that sometimes words were not needed. Each was lost in their own thoughts, each felt the presence of the other, and each felt the love of the other. After some time, it was Eli that broke the silence. "I'm going to go away Alicia", he said. The words hung in the air and then slowly they drifted off in the breeze that carried them away, but their message had been delivered and their meaning sank into the heart and soul of Alicia, a knife sliding slowly through the fabric of her very being, tearing her up inside. Alicia was silent for a few moments.
"I know", she said, "I've felt that you have been going away for some time now. Something has changed in you. I know that you love me, but there is something else. Do you really have to go?" She already knew the answer before the words were out of her mouth, but she had to ask.
"Yes. All of my life, I have dreamed of travelling across the ocean. For a while, I forgot my dream because I thought that loving you would be enough. Now I understand that if I do not do the thing of which I have so long desired, then I will always carry a regret in my heart. In the beginning, I'll be able to manage and live with the regret, but gradually it will grow. Regret will turn into resentment and resentment will turn into bitterness. And bitterness will eat me alive, from the inside out. I want you to know that I love you and it is because I love you that I must go away."
Alicia tried hard not to cry but she could not help a tear from falling. "Will you come back to me Eli, my love?"
Eli was silent. He did not wish to speak an untruth to the girl that he loved. "If our love is meant to be, then it will last. True love, the kind that is found at the very centre of the universe cannot be broken. I promise you this Alicia, that if my heart wills it, then I will return to you."
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Eli leaned on the railing of the ship and felt the wind blowing against his face. The masts towered above him, the white sails unfurled and full of that same wind, pulling them ever on, across the vastness of the open sea. Eli looked out across the wide expanse of ocean, across the rise and fall of the swells, towards the land he had left behind. He whispered some words and with his breath, he blew them gently from the palm of his hand, so that the wind might catch them and carry them back to the girl that he loved. "I'm coming home soon Alicia. You are with me always because I carry you on this journey in my heart. You are my love Alicia, you are my home." And with that he turned away from the ocean and as he did so, he thrust his hands deep into his trouser pockets. There, in his left pocket, he discovered something he did not know he had. His fingers enclosed around a small object and he pulled it out. As he uncurled his fingers, there in the palm of his hand was the small pebble that he had given to Alicia the very first time they had sat and talked on the beach. He smiled and at that moment he felt love and he felt peace in his heart. "She gave me back the moon."
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