There will always come moments when the light shines forth from within. These times occur when we are most deeply connected with our hearts, when we are in synchronised rhythm, heart and soul as one. I've experienced moments of epiphany before and I've written about them previously - standing in the middle of a square in Budapest, sitting on the wall at the waterfront in Wellington. They never come when we expect them, they arrive unbidden, a moment when it feels as though lightning has struck you, or someone has turned on a light in a darkened room. I know these moments because when they dawn on me, I cannot stop myself from smiling with a deep sense of pleasure and joy, I want to laugh, to shout and to sing out loud. This can only come from the knowledge that the thought that is now in your head, originated in your heart, that the thought is the very essence of who you are, who you are meant to be. That thought is you.
For many years of my life, I was in denial of who I was, who I was born to be. I was not myself. I was an imposter, or rather, the imposter was me. I acted out the life of another person because that is what I thought I should do. I was a good actor because I fooled many people, I fooled myself. I could not admit to myself the very thing that it was that I wanted the most in life. Why? Simply because I was afraid of what it would mean to me, I was frightened of the consequences. I lived a life where on the surface at least, I appeared to be happy, but underneath, I never truly was. My true self was buried deeply within me, covered over, so that it was carefully hidden away, lest it should escape.
I could not have been more wrong. The journey of my life, the story of my life, is essentially one of discovery. It seems to me that life had a plan and it was not going to let me go quietly away. Through so many seemingly random events, meetings and happenings, life found me, it caught me in its grip and it would not let me go. Life reached through to my inner being, it touched my heart, and it rekindled my desires and my passions. No, not rekindled, since it implies that once there was a fire and I do not recall there ever being a fire in my soul before life took hold. But once it did, I was like a piece of driftwood, caught up in the current of a river and unable to reach the shore. I had to go wherever the water of life took me. Everything that happened to me, the good and the bad, became necessary parts of my journey, shaping me, helping me to learn, to grow, and to evolve my soul. This river brought me to a place in my life where I was finally ready to admit to myself who I really was, and to become the man I had been born to be.
There will come a time when I must forsake this particular part of my journey. This I know to be true. That time will come when I have need to take care of something more than myself, when my purpose in life shifts to the provision and care of others - my wife and my children. Until that time, I am going to go on doing what I have been doing. I am going to see the world, to travel, to enjoy new experiences, meet new people. I am going to continue to take a chance on life because I do not know when my last day will come. I am going to have an adventure.
Thinking of this makes me happy. Knowing why I have struggled over the last months to understand my direction in life brings me great comfort. I am still going in the right direction. Life it seems, is not yet done with me, nor I with it. The road less travelled beckons to me still. My heart is singing right now, it is joyful, hopeful and it is ready to go on again. One day, my heart will be joined by another and when it is, we will journey together, we will make our adventures to share with our children. And at the moment that she enters my life, those two hearts that have beaten for so long in separate rhythms, will beat to the same tune. There will always be two hearts, but from that moment on, there will be only one soul.