I am feeling this way right now. Within me, a bitterness has crept upon me and taken hold, wrapping its tendrils of fear and hate around my heart. I am not conscious of it all of the time, but in quiet moments of reflection, I find it there, whispering acid and noxious words, trying to smother the light of my soul with its dark cloak of negativity.
How can it be that a person who proclaims such happiness can suffer affliction and carry negativity and unhappiness within themselves? The answer to that is simply this: I am human. But there is also something more. I am strongly connected to my heart and my heart is my life. And because of this deep connection I have with my heart, I feel my emotions keenly.
I am walking my one true path, of this I am absolutely and unequivocally sure. I know this is true because of the general way in which I view life. My life has been an amazing journey and for this, I am truly grateful and appreciative. I smile often. I laugh for no reason, other than because of the joy I am feeling at that moment. I am passionate about what I do. These are the things that tell me I am on the right path. I have been able to take advantage of opportunities that have come my way, opportunities that have shaped my destiny and allowed me to discover my own truth, my own path. All that I have achieved, everything that I have witnessed and experienced has been possible because of one single reason. I have been alone pretty much all of my adult life, I have never had anyone to share my path for more than a fleeting instant. And that has been both a gift and a curse to me.
I have fulfilled many of my dreams in life. Some of these dreams I did not know even existed until I discovered them. I consider myself to have been extremely fortunate. I was working at the hotel the other day, talking to some people about my life, and how I changed my stars and sought out my true path, when someone asked me if I had any dependents? "No", I replied. "Well then", she said, "that makes it much easier for you." And she was right. It does. I have no dependents and I have no responsibilities to any other person. I never have. This is why I am able to live the life that I do. This is how I am able to flit from one place to another like a butterfly that floats on the breeze. The words that this woman spoke struck deep into me, they struck at my core. It was certainly not the first time I had thought about this, but hearing it said by another person made it all the harder to bear.
It's not that I ever wanted to live my life alone. Far from it. I have always wanted to find the right person, to get married and to start a family. Each time I have tried to form a relationship, it has gone wrong. When I got close to settling down, a situation occurred that was to change everything. I have never had a long term relationship. I have never known what it is like to have someone by your side that you can rely on, that you can trust, and that you know fully. I have never gotten that far. I know that much of this has been my own doing. I am not blameless. I know the one major reason that my relationships have failed has been down to my own feelings of being undeserving of love, and in seeking out the kind of love that was ultimately doomed from the start. I have invested so much time and effort in trying to make doomed situations work, that I have drained myself of energy and of my own life. I have worked so hard to prove a point to myself, that no matter what I do, I will never find true and lasting love. I have been the architect of my own failures. It is akin to trying to build a skyscraper and knowing full well, that you did not ensure that there were solid foundations.
And here lies the basis for my feelings of negativity and bitterness. I ask myself whether I have missed my chance of a family? I am after all, now in my early forties and time is flowing ever constantly on. Did I overlook any opportunities? Should I have persevered longer in a relationship? Did I take the easy route? Did I run, when I should have stayed? Is life playing a cruel trick on me, denying me the one thing I have sought the most?
I'll never know the answers and they matter not. I am here and it is now. Everything that I have done, everything that I have experienced has brought me to here. To this point. I have been on a voyage of discovery about myself and I have learned so much. Last year I finally had my eyes opened to the lesson of my life, that I saw myself as being undeserving of love. Now, perhaps, armed with that knowledge, I have a real chance. I think I always knew that I needed to strike out and to reach for my path. It was something that always dwelt within me. I now walk my one true path. I am ready. I may be late, but I am here now. All I need do, is find a special someone who also understands the simple gifts of life, who can see that life is an opportunity not to be wasted, and someone who will laugh for no reason, just because they feel like doing it. I am here. I am waiting. My search goes on.
When you walk your one true path, you will never be exempt from the feelings of bitterness, negativity, anger, fear, anguish, and anxiety. These are all humans emotions and to live a life in tune with your heart, is to feel all of your emotions. If you are walking your one true path, these feelings never last long. At your core you will know love. Love defeats every other emotion. With love in your heart, you are invincible. The tendrils of negativity will wither and die, they will be burned away by the bright glow and fire of love. But you must know these feelings of negativity and make them your allies, because they help you to know that you are walking your true path. If you cannot shake them, then the path is not true. The true path is the path of positivity, of love and of the light.
And with this, goes my bitterness and my resentment. My path has taught me much and it has shown me miracles. I have total faith in my heart. My heart is love and love is the light. So I shall keep on walking, knowing that when the time is right for me, she will come.