These are the days when my faith is tested. I did not decide to live my life the way that I do. I was compelled to do so, not by any person, but by my heart. The way of the heart has been my life for as long as I can remember, only there was a time when I did not understand that my heart was the ruler of my life, and that I could not resist its calling. Every important and life altering decision I have ever taken, has been made by my heart. Even though I have a logical brain, I understand that some things must defy logic. That is the beauty and the miracle of life. That is the mystery. It was not until I read and connected with The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, that I came to understand the way in which I lived out my life. As I read the book, every thing that was written made perfect sense and resonated within my soul. Through the writing of Paulo, was I able to see and comprehend the way in which I lived my life, as well as coming to the understanding that I could no longer hold back what was in my heart. It was and always will be unalterable. It will never change. It cannot ever change. I am my heart and my heart is me, we are one and my heart needed to be set free.
However, there come days and moments when everything appears to be wrong. I feel a sense of loss, unhappiness and frustration. I can no longer see where the path is leading me and I am no longer able to understand why I am leading this life, doing what I do, living where I am, being who I am. I experience a deep rooted feeling of sadness and despair that I have not yet experienced what it means to be a husband and a father and I question whether that is ever going to happen for me. I become unable to see any clear way forward, everything becomes dark, as if a light has gone out, the flame of my passion extinguished, and with it, my ability to continue to walk my path.
In these moments, I think negative thoughts. I question the point in all of this. I begin to sink, down into the dark abyss of hopelessness, of the futility of continuing on in life. If I strive to make my life the one that I want but never achieve my ultimate dream, then why should I persevere? Wouldn't it be better to just give it all up, to go quietly away? After all, my parents, brother and sister and old friends back in England have gotten used to my being away, it's been so many years already that I have chosen to live my life overseas. I would hardly be missed, I am sure. Yes, that must be the answer. One day, they will wonder why they have not heard from me, and perhaps they will wonder why it has been longer than usual? But then, perhaps, they won't. My books, my blog, my writing, my poetry will be the legacy that I leave to this world. Little known, waiting to be discovered, like so many other budding authors, poets, artists, musicians. Maybe then, my family will read all that I have written and finally understand who I really was? Why I had to be away, what I believe in, what I stand for, and what so many other people are able to see - my soul? These moments are dark, these moments are bleak. Everything seems lost to me.
Then there comes a moment when I gain an understanding once more. I see the setting sun on the beach over the ocean. I see the beautiful face of a woman, as she smiles at me and I feel a leap in my heart and know that one day, I will be a husband. I hear the laughter of children, as they play on the sand and I know that my job is not yet done, that fatherhood is still mine to grasp. I see horses running free in a field of green, with a newly risen morning sun cresting the hills that provide a backdrop to this scene. I witness the wonders of the aquatic world that continues to fill me with such peace, tranquility, wonder and awe. My soul feels replenished and my heart shakes free of the dark shackles that threatened to bind it and imprison it forever. My heart will never be a prisoner, it yearns to be free and freedom is what I will always strive to give to it.
Faith. Faith is what we all must have if we are to make good on the promises we made to ourselves. Faith is what we must maintain if we are to remain true to our hearts. Yes, the dark days will come. Sometimes, those days will turn into weeks and even months. But do not fear, for those days will always pass, just as long as you keep faith as your ally, just as long as you keep faith as your weapon, because faith will always defeat doubt. It is faith that will guide you back to the path, that will reveal your dreams to you once more, that will shine the light for you, when you are no longer able to shine the light for yourself. Without faith, then we will become lost. Faith will always guide you back home, because faith knows that home is where your heart is.
I will never give up my fight. I know that in order to achieve those things that I truly want in life, I have to work hard, I have to understand all of the lessons that have been shown to me, I must read the signs that are placed before my eyes and I must continue to heed the calling of my heart. But this is not all. I could do all of these things and still go nowhere, still remain static, in a world of unchanging scenery. In order to move on and get closer to my dreams, I must take a step forward. With the sword of faith at my side, I will take that step and when I do, everything will change. The light will shine forth from my heart to show me the way, to guide me.
Sometimes life tests our resolve. If you truly want to achieve your dreams, and if those dreams are your one true path, then you will push through the darkness and you will reach the light that awaits you on the other side. When you do, you will become stronger, more sure of your path, and more able to deal with the challenges that lie in wait. Nothing that we truly wish to achieve in life will ever come easily. Do not be fooled into thinking that it will. Keep the faith and the rewards will be yours in return. It has always been that way and it will always continue to be that way, until the ending of time itself.